KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

This true story appeared some time ago in the "Big Issue", a magazine sold by the homeless in Britain. The story is told from memory, so apols for any inaccuracy.

Recently, in Hungary a man went to the bank to ask for a loan. The bank manager said "No way" and sent him on his way.

Irate, the customer returned an hour later with a pistol and a watermelon, and dragged the bank manager out at gunpoint into the foyer.

The manager later explained "I asked him,'Are you going to shoot me??' and he said 'Not if you fuck this melon!!'"

The gunman then shot a hole in the melon, then with his trousers around his knees and a pistol at his head, the manager got to work on the fruit in front of his staff and a crowd of customers.

Ten minutes of managerial grunting later, daring clerks succeeded in overpowering and disarming the gunman.

"Actually," one of the clerks admitted later, "we could have stopped him much earlier, but we'd never seen our manager enjoy himself so much..."

Just 4 Laughs has over 1,600 subscriber. I received over 350 things regarding my birthday. Thank you to everyone. No please do not send me jokes without asking, because I sometimes receive over 100 jokes a day. If you want me to refer you to a 'clean' humor list just drop me an unsubscribe note & ask for the list of 'clean' humor.

Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand. The longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is lollipop. Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.

The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.

The San Fransisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles in beer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons.

The word 'pound' is abbreviated 'lb.' after the constellation 'libra' because it means 'pound' in Latin, and also 'scales'. The abbreviation for the British Pound Sterling comes from the same source: it is an 'L' for Libra/Lb. with a stroke through it to indicate abbreviation. Sames goes for the Italian lira which uses the same abbreviation ('lira' coming from 'libra'). So British currency (before it went metric) was always quoted as "pounds/shillings/pence", abbreviated "L/s/d" (libra/solidus/denarius).

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

Camel's milk does not curdle.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding address.

Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more.

You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead -- for months, mind you -- my deceased father continued to receive mail from companies that had been told of his passing but pressed on, determined to contact him anyway.

The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father's bank.

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, we are automatically withdrawing your monthly $28.00 service charge from you account. Please adjust your records accordingly. Sincerely, The Phoenix Branch

Dear Phoenix Branch,
This is to notify you once again that Mr. Hanson died Jan 02, 1995. It is therefore unlikely he will be overdrawing his account. Please close his account, and adjust your books accordingly. Sincerely, Scott Hansom

Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad's insurance company. Again, this is a firm that had been told in no uncertain terms of his death.

Dear Mr. Hanson,
It's time to renew your auto insurance policy! To continue your coverage, you must send $54.17 to this office immediately. Failure to do so will result in the cancellation of your policy, and interruption of your coverage. Sincerely, Your Insurance Agent

Dear Insurance Agent,
This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead since January. As such, the odds he'll be involved in a collision are quite minimal. Please cancel the policy, and adjust your books accordingly. Sincerely, Scott Hanson.

The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this:

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Let me introduce myself. I am a psychic reader, and it is very important that you contact me immediately. I sense that you are about to enter a time of unprecedented financial prosperity. Please call the enclosed 900 number immediately, so I can tell you how best to take full advantage of the opportunities that are coming your way. Sincerely, Your Psychic Reader

Dear Psychic Reader,
My father regrets he will be unable to call you 900 number. As a psychic reader, I'm sure you already know my father is dead, and had been for more that three weeks when you mailed your letter to him. I sense my father would be more than happy to take you up on your offer of a psychic reading, should you care to meet with him personally. Sincerely, Scott Hanson P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the future, please ask him if he'd like to renew his car insurance.

A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived:

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records indicate a balance of $112 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please pay the minimum amount due, or contact this office to make other arrangements. We appreciate your business and look forward to serving all of your future borrowing needs. Sincerely, Your Bank's San Diego District Office

Dear San Diego District Office,
I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you my father died in January. Since then, the number of checks he's written has dropped dramatically. Being dead, he has no plans to use his overdraft protection or pay even the minimum amount due for a service he no longer needs. As for future borrowing needs, well, don't hold your breath. Sincerely, Scott Hanson

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Records show you owe a balance of $54.17 to your insurance agent. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, the matter has been turned over to us for collection. Please remit the amount of $54.17 to our office or we will be forced to take legal action to collect the debt. Sincerely, Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

Dear Collection Agency,
I told your client. Now I'm telling you. Dad's dead. He doesn't need insurance. He's dead. Dead, dead, dead. I doubt even your lawyers can change that. Please adjust your books accordingly. Sincerely, Scott Hanson

A few more months, and:

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records show an unpaid balance of $224 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Our efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please remit the amount in full to this office, or the matter will be turned over to a collection agency. Such action will adversely affect your credit history. Sincerely, Your Bank's Los Angeles Regional Office

Dear Los Angeles Regional Office,
I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person at the fourth address to tell your bank that my father passed away in January. Since that time, I've watched with a mixture of amazement and amusement as your bank continues to transact business with him. Now, you are even threatening his credit history. It should come as no surprise that you have received little response from my deceased father. It should also be small news that his credit history is of minor importance to him now. For the fourth and final time, please adjust your books accordingly. Sincerely, Scott Hanson

Dear Mr. Hanson,
This is your final notice of payment due to your insurance agent. If our firm does not receive payment of $54.17, we will commence legal action on the matter. Please contact us at once. Sincerely, Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

Dear Insurance Agent's Collection Agency,
You may contact my father via the enclosed 900 number. Sincerely, Scott Hanson

It has now been a couple of months since I've heard from these firms. Either the people writing these letters finally believe my father is dead, or they themselves have died and are now receiving similar correspondence.

Actually, there has been a lesson in these letters. Any one of them would be cause for great worry, if sent to a living person. The dead are immune from corporate bullying. There's nothing like dying to put business correspondence in its proper perspective.

Perhaps that's the best reason not to fear death. There's no post office there.

(Scott Hanson is a news reporter and anchor with WESH-Channel 2 in Orlando.)

* Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

* You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.

* Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.

* Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.

* No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...

* Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.

* Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

* Rides in your car with its head out the window.

* She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.

* You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.

* Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.

* Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.

* After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.

* Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.

* Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

* Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

The Golden Rule of Flaming

Flames should be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or sarcastic, but NEVER, EVER, should they be boring.

The Twelve Commandments of Flaming

1.Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." Example: "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."

2.Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. Example: "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."

3.Cross-post your flames: Everybody on the 'Net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal! From the Apple II RoundTable to X-10 Powerhouse RoundTable, they're all holding their breath until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

4.Conspiracies abound: If everybody's against you, the reason can't possibly be that you're a shithead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire 'Net a favor by exposing it.

5.Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. Example: "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha."

6.Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously lying.

7.Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of Flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "veni, vidi, vinci," and "fetuccini alfredo."

8.Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. Example: "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic'."

9.Accuse your opponent of censorship: It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the 'Net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anybody who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a Flame War to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both.

10.Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of Flamers' logic.

11.Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12.When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a Flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a Flame War with somebody who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, and make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do . . . INSULT THE DIRTBAG! Example: "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."

EXAMPLE REPLY POST . . . for the Rookie Flamer

Dear Joe,

I object to your use of the word "dear." It shows you are a condescending, sexist pig. Also, the submissive tone you use shows that you like to be tied down and flagellated with licorice whips.

While I found your article "The Effect of Belly-Button Lint on Western Thought" to be extremely thought-provoking,

"Thought-provoking?" I had no idea you could think, you rotting piece of swamp slime.

it really shouldn't have been posted in rec.scuba.

What? Are you questioning my judgement? I'll have you know that I'm a member of the super-high-IQ Society Menstruate. I got an 800 on my PMS exam. Your attempts constitute nothing less than censorship. There is a conspiracy against me. You, Riff Raff, and Simon Sinister have been constantly harassing me by email. This was an ad hominem attack! I have therefore cross-posted this to alt.flame, rec.nude, comp.graphics, and rec.arts.wobegon.

Perhaps you should have posted it in misc.misc.

It is my right, as granted in the Bill of Rights, the Magna Carta, the Bible, and the Koran, to post where ever I want to. Or don't you believe in those documents, you damned fascist? Perhaps if you didn't spend so much time sacrificing virgins and infants to Satan, you would have realized this.

Your article would be much more appropriate there.

Can you document this? I will only accept documents notarized by my attorney, and signed by you in blood. Besides, you don't really exist anyway, you AI project, you.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezin under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'

'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.'

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'

10. Here honey, you use the remote.

9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.

4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.

2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

..and the number 1 thing a man will never say:

1. We never talk anymore.

10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!

7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!

6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".

5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

..and the number 1 thing you'll never hear a woman say:

1. Hey, pull my finger!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay

2. It's easy being a soap dodger.

3. You get to eat shitty little things like snails and frog's legs.

4. You know what you are ordering in expensive restaurants.

5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.

6. You can test your own nuclear weapons far away from your own doorstep.

7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star

8. If there's a war you can surrender really early.

9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in a hole.

10. People think you're a great lover even when you're crap

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :

1. You can have a woman president without electing her.

2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.

3. You can call Budweiser beer.

4. You can be a crook and still be president.

5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.

6. If you've got a driver's licence you can get a gun.

7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.

8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy."

10. You can be Irish and American at the same time

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup (doo-dah doo-dah)

2. Warm beer

3. You get to confuse yanks with the rules of cricket.

4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.

5. Union jack underpants.

6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.

7. Puts you in with a chance of bedding Lady Di.

8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.

9. Ditto changing underwear.

10. Beats being Welsh, or Scottish

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.

2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.

3. No need to worry about tax returns.

4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.

5. Can wear sunglasses inside.

6. Political stability.

7. Flexible working hours.

8. Live near the Pope.

9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.

10. Sweating tenors.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :

1. You can be mistaken for a Mexican all over North America.

2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.

3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.

4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.

5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.

6. Hard to get the women into bed without marrying them...

7. .. and twice as hard still if you're not a Catholic

8. In fact, the only sure way is to dress up in silly too-tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.

9. You get to eat bulls' testicles.

10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :

01.

02.

03.

04.

05.

06.

07.

08.

09.

10.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :

1. Large choice of languages.

2. Fleshy actresses.

3. Taj Mahal.

4. Chicken Tikka Massala.

5. Can model volatility and money at risk in 7 computer languages.

6. Can communicate chiefly with head movements.

7. A Patel is never lonely in the phone book.

8. Kapil Dev

9. Keep saying "please" meaning it.

10. 6 spicy papadums, pickles and a Kingfisher

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :

1. The Guinness is great.

2. The crack is great.

3. You won't get in a crack unless you marry them.

4. You can't have sex with a condom on.

5. Thus you must have sex without one on.

6. No one can ever remember the night before.

7. If you don't agree with me I'll blow you up.

8. The stew is great.

9. The Murphy's is great.

10. Er...Best pop down the pub and have a think.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :

1. It beats being an American.

2. You dont have to leave home to taste authentic French cuisine.

3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

4. Can travel anywhere with a Canadian passport.

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

7. Liberal is not a dirty word.

8. The CBC

9. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

10. If you are BORING!!

Dear Sir,

Thank you very much for the letter you sent to me informing of your Adult web site. My brothers and sisters weren't too happy with your site contents.

I was able to find your home address, thanks to the new alter boy that just moved into town. We contacted your local parish and the local Reverend was shocked at the business you are running.

He told me that he will be sure to talk to the fellowship and see that you attend the next prayer meeting. He has reserved this Sunday night at 7 so that you can explain your business to the fellowship.

I have subscribed you to the E-PRAYER listserve group. Which will bring you 200 holy email messages everyday.

There is no need to thank me, the Lord works in wondrous way! You sending that email to me, was the Lord telling me that you are calling for help.

-Father McDonnell