KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Guy walks into the bar. He has a long case, about 4 feet long and props it along the bar. He says" ladies and gentlemen I am going to perform a feat so daring and unbelievable that you will buy me drinks all night long. If you don't agree, I will buy your drinks for a week. When I finish, I dare say none of you will dare repeat my performance."

He gets a few takers and the bet is on. He unzips the bag and pulls out an alligator about 4 feet long. He opens the mouth of the alligator and puts in his privates, balls and all. When he is firmly planted inside the gator closes his mouth. The guy calmly drinks a beer and waits 5 minutes. He taps the gator on the head to open up. He does not. He taps harder but the gator does not. He reaches over and grabs a pool cue and hits the gator on the head--"POP!"--open goes the mouth. He removes himself unscathed. There upon the crowd gasps a sigh of relief, and gives him a thunderous ovation. He is enjoying his drinks for a couple of hours and starts to offer the challenge.

"Any body here want to try it?" No one will take him up on it.

"NOBODY?"

Finally a small voice in the rear says, "OK, I'll try it, but you have to promise not to hit me with the pool cue."

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."

3. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

4. You turn off your modem and you get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap....and you child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

7. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.

8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.

A man goes to his doctor for a check up and the doctor says:

"I don't know how to tell you this, but you're going to die, and you only have six months left."

When the poor bloke gets home, he tells his wife he has AIDS and only has six months to live and goes out for a beer. He gets wired up and tells all his mates he has AIDS and only six months left. Two days later he meets his doctor in the street and the doc says:-"I see you've come to terms with your terminal condition, everyone in town is talking about it. But tell me why are you telling everyone you have AIDS when I told you it was an inoperable brain tumor that's killing you?"

"Oh," said the man "I've come to terms with dying, but I don't want anyone having sex with my wife after I'm gone!"

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're daughter's in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The teacher is a man.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Worse: You're by yourself.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Worse: Your son the transvestite is the warm-up.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit into your clothes.
Worse: He's 350 lbs and only needs to lose another 10 pounds.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
Worse: Her boyfriend is 30 years old.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Worse: It turns you on.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Worse: In front of a construction site.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Worse: With her boyfriend.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

There was an old couple, who had been married for 40 years, sitting outside on the front porch.

Out of the blue, the woman hit the man, knocking him out of the swing.

The man got up, wondering what her problem was.
"What was that for?", asked the man.

"That was for 40 years of bad sex!", she replied.

The man sat back down in the swing. About 5 minutes later, he punched His wife, sending her sprawling onto the ground.
The wife asked, "What was That for?"

Her husband replied, "For knowing the difference!"

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

1. The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club, and two balls.

2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.

3. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.

5. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.

7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.

8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well formed bunkers.

9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

10. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. Most advanced players find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.

12. Course owners shall be the judge of who is the best player.

13. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.

14. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

15. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled; particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.

16. Players are advised to obtain course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

17. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and the weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story, drink more beer, it will make you smarter.One evening this guy comes home from work to be greeted by his wife at the door. She gives him a kiss and says, "Honey, there's a problem with the vacuum cleaner. Could you please look at it for me?"

Her husband replies, "Look, I work hard all day long. I'm tired and all I want to do is eat dinner and relax. What do I look like, the Hoover guy?"

His wife shrugs, sighs and goes to fix dinner.

The next evening, he comes home from work and his wife greets him at the door. She tells him, "Honey, the washing machine won't work. Could you please fix it for me?"

Her husband replies, "I don't believe this. I work hard all day, I'm tired and all I want to do is sit down in front of the TV and relax. What do I look like, the Maytag repair man?"

The wife looks at him, shakes her head and walks away.

The next night, he comes home, opens the door and there is his wife, vacuuming the floor and he can hear the washing machine running in the garage. He says, "Honey, you got the stuff fixed! Great! How did you do it?"

His wife replies, "Well, there's this guy down the street who said he would fix both things if I either had sex with him or baked him a cake."

The husband says, "Great! What kind of cake did you bake him?"

His wife, a big grin on her face, replies, "Hah! Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

1830. Big Sister

Little Johnny was twelve years old and like other boys of his age, rather curious. He has been learing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to him, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boy friend. This he did. The following morning he described everything to his mother.

"Sis and her boy friend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights, and he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because she started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand under her blouse to feel her heart just like a doctor would, except hes not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding the heart..

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and squirm around. They slid down to the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she felt really hot..

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick: A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow.. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open. She started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake..

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back, then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pants pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started graning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them..

After a while, they both got up and gave a great sigh, her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they had killed the eel. i know it was dead, because it just hung ther, limp and some of its insides were hanging out..

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing again. By Golly, the eel wasn't dead. It jumped straight-up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... they have nine lives...

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.. After fifty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was this time because i saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet..

Johnny's mother fainted.