KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

An extremely straight-laced young couple decided to move out to the country and rent a house. They paid their first, last and security deposit and signed the lease, however it took several days before they moved in.

When the young lady went in to use the bathroom, she found that the commode was missing. She went to her husband and said, "I like the house, but there's no commode in the bathroom." The landlord lived several miles away in the cityso her husband recommended that she write him a letter. The following is what she wrote:

Dear Landlord,
We have finally gotten moved in and I like it here very much. The scenery is beautiful and almost everything in the house is fine but can you please tell me....... (at this point she was a little embarassed to say bathroom commode, so she abbreviated it)..........where is the B.C.?

Sincerely, Your Tennant

The landlord got the letter and couldn't figure out what the B.C. was. Finally he decided that it just mean "Where is the Baptist Church?" and sat down and wrote the following letter in return:

Dear Friends,

I sincerely regret the delay in answering your letter but it gives me great pleasure to tell you that the nearest BC is 15 miles away and is capable of seating 250 people. This is unfortunate indeed if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt, you will be interested to know that a great number of people pack a lunch and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago and there were so many people there, we had to stand up the whole time. It may interest you to know that a fund drive has been planned to raise money to buy new seats.
I can honestly say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more often but it's surely not out of lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it just seems it takes more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
My wife and I hope to see you there soon!

Your Landlord

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantlyirritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

That's awful, said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell", asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

Well, replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute.

She sees this and calls out "Fifty dollars!" He's tempted, but the price is a little high so he calls back "Five!" She's disgusted and turns away and Bill continues his jog. A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come down on her price.

"Fifty!" she shouts. Bill answers her "Five!" No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells

"See what you get for five dollars!"

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch!
That hurts, too."

Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why, yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."

Top 5 reasons computers must be male:

5. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
4. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
3. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless unless you tell them exactly what to do.
2. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
1. Size Does matter.

Top 5 reasons computers must be female:

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistake is committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

This is the actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall, computer assistant. May I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's a blank. It won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the c:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes. The office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power......A power outage???? Aha!!!!! Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."

"Good!!! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes. I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

The end.

My parents hated me so much my first bath toy was an electric toaster.

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof"

"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

10. We're Amtrak with wings.

9. Join Our Frequent Near-Miss Program

8. Ask About Our Out-of-Court Settlements

7. Noisy Engines? We'll Turn 'Em Off

6. Complimentary Champagne in Free-Fall

5. Enjoy the In-Flight Movie on the Plane Next to You

4. The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides

3. Terrorists Are Afraid to Fly with Us

2. Our Pilots Are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to Lose

1. We Might Be Landing on Your Street

A little boy comes in from school and asks if he can take his dog, Molly for a walk.
"You can't, dear, Molly's in heat." said the mother.
"What's heat, Momma?" asked the boy.
"Your Dad's out in the garage. You better go ask him." said Momma.
"Hey Daddy, I want to take Molly for a walk, but Momma says I can't cause she's in heat. What's heat?"
Well, the Dad was cleaning some tools in some gasoline. He took a rag, dipped it in the gasoline and rubbed it all over Molly's rear end. "Don't worry about it, son. This will fix her." With that the boy took Molly for the walk.
About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog. "Where's Molly, son?" the Dad asked.

"She ran out of gas about two blocks away, daddy." answered the boy, but don't worry, one of the neighbor's dogs is pushing her home."