1841. The first Time.
The sky was dark,
I know what you were thinking!!! 1842. Farmer & Kid There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?' 'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!' 'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!' 'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire. Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. 'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?' 'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!' 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back. 'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. 'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?' 'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow. ' 'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.' 1843. Feathers Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of the reservation they were on, she asked why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "UGH, Me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced that the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief. Now the chief headdress was full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, Me fuck- em all, big, small, fat, tall, me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated. "You ought to be hung." The Chief replied. "You damned right me hung......Big like Buffalo, long like Snake." Ms Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamn hostile! The Chief replied, "Hoss'style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!"
Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "OH DEAR." Asshole too high, and fuckers run too fast......... No fuck deer." 1844. The Fire Department A man who worked for the Fire Department , came home from work one day and told his wife, " We really have a wonderful system at the fire department.
`Bell 1' we all put on our coats.
From now on we are going to run this house the same way.
`Bell 1' you strip naked.
The next night when he came home from work and yelled After two minutes she yelled "BELL 4" . He said, " What the hell is `Bell 4'? MORE HOSE" she responded, "YOU AIN"T ANYWHERE NEAR THE FIRE"!! 1845. Firewood High Tech for the country folk: LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the woodstove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do CHIP: Munchies fer the TV MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys SOFTWARE Them dang plastic forks and knifs MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all > RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole. -- 1846 Farmer & Lawyer A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" 1847. Fishing A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex." "It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..." 1848. Secret Formulas
One night in a sleepy town the chemical plant explodes into flames. The alarm goes out and departments from miles around race to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approaches the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" "First thing we do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!" 1849. GENIE A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant threewishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "Howold is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing." 1850. GOD&ADAM God made Adam and saw that he was good, and Adam saw that he was good. However Adam was getting quite lonely and upon seeing this God said to him, "I can make you a partner." Adam became excited. "A partner?" "Yes," God began. "She will be beautiful at all times and clean and cook and wash. She will love you with all of her heart. She will always be there for you. She will be like you personal slave." Adam smiled, "Oh God, I want one." God replied, "You can have one but it will be expensive." Adam didn't care. "It will cost an arm, a leg, and a shoulder." Adam thought about it a while, sighed and asked, "Well, what can I get for a rib?" |