KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were blue,
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how,
But I tried my best;
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart,
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once,
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished,
It's all over now,
My first time ever,
At milking a cow.....

I know what you were thinking!!!
Get your mind out of the gutter!!!!

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'

'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'

'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'

'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'

'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'

'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.

' 'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.'

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of the reservation they were on, she asked why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather."

She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "UGH, Me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws."

Still not convinced that the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief. Now the chief headdress was full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, Me fuck- em all, big, small, fat, tall, me fuck-em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated. "You ought to be hung." The Chief replied. "You damned right me hung......Big like Buffalo, long like Snake." Ms Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamn hostile! The Chief replied, "Hoss'style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!"

Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "OH DEAR."
The Chief said,"No Deer.....me no fuck deer.....

Asshole too high, and fuckers run too fast......... No fuck deer."

A man who worked for the Fire Department , came home from work one day and told his wife, " We really have a wonderful system at the fire department.

`Bell 1' we all put on our coats.
`Bell 2' rings and we all slide down the pole.
`Bell 3' rings and we are on the truck ready to go.

From now on we are going to run this house the same way.
When I say:

`Bell 1' you strip naked.
`Bell 2' you jump into bed.
`Bell 3' we are going to make love all night."

The next night when he came home from work and yelled
"Bell 1", she took off her clothes.
"Bell 2", she jumped into bed.
"Bell 3" they began to make love.

After two minutes she yelled "BELL 4" .

He said, " What the hell is `Bell 4'?

MORE HOSE" she responded,

"YOU AIN"T ANYWHERE NEAR THE FIRE"!!

High Tech for the country folk:

LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the woodstove.

DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood

RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time

PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time

WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside

SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season

BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag

MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys

SOFTWARE Them dang plastic forks and knifs

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf

PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all >

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks

MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole. --

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way.
"WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newly married supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got mouthrot; and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, "But why did you marry someone with health problems like that?"

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

One night in a sleepy town the chemical plant explodes into flames. The alarm goes out and departments from miles around race to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approaches the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
With this the firemen attack with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still have not gained any ground. With this the company president offers $100,000 to the engine company that brings out the company's secret files. In the distance a long siren is heard and soon another fire truck comes into sight. The fire chief realizes that is that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement the fire engine races through the chemical plant gates and drives right into the middle of the inferno. He can see these old timers hopping off their rig fighting the fire with an effort that he has never seen before. Less than an hour later the fire is out and the secret formulas have been saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president is so estatic he doubles the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers the chemical company president can't help but ask what they will do with the reward money.
Yhe engineer (driver) looks him right in the eye...

"First thing we do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant threewishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "Howold is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."

God made Adam and saw that he was good, and Adam saw that he was good. However Adam was getting quite lonely and upon seeing this God said to him, "I can make you a partner."

Adam became excited. "A partner?"

"Yes," God began. "She will be beautiful at all times and clean and cook and wash. She will love you with all of her heart. She will always be there for you. She will be like you personal slave."

Adam smiled, "Oh God, I want one."

God replied, "You can have one but it will be expensive." Adam didn't care. "It will cost an arm, a leg, and a shoulder."

Adam thought about it a while, sighed and asked, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"