KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see --I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in by labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.

A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

Mr. Donald Carroll
U.S. Department of Agriculture
Walton County FSA Office
732 N. 9th. St., Suite D
DeFuniak Springs, FL. 32433

Dear Mr. Carroll,
My friend, Ed Peterson, up at Ute, Iowa, received a check for $1000.00 from the government for not raising 50 hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all the government policies. I would very much prefer to not raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422.00 in 1971, and this is until this year when he received your check for $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs.
If I get $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000.00 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will bring in about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford to DeWayne Bunge's airplane that I've been wanting.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat about 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn.
Will I qualify for payments for not raising any corn to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information your department has on this program too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and will qualify for unemployment compensation and food stamps.

Be most assured that you and the President will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically your,

Dave Curran

Two nuns come to the USA from Ireland. They've always wanted to see an American baseball game. So they get tickets and find their seats in the stadium. Evrything is so big and new...they are very excited, and want to do all that comes with going to a game.

"Let's get what the Americans call hot dogs!!" says one of the sisters.
"Ok, but what are they?"
"We're going to find out in a short while..." the other nun said.

So they saw a man selling hot dogs from his little container, and they flagged him over, and they were both handed a hot dog wrapped in a piece of foil to keep it hot.

The first nun opened hers and looked shocked. She glanced over at hercompanion, and said...

"What part of the dog did *you* get???!"

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair and I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing

I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

It was not revealed what grade the student got.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks : "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, " says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!"

"Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "what school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62"

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

The gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it was always occupied.
The stewardess noticed that he was taking short steps and had a look of pain on his face.

"Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He would have promised anything and said so.

The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters:
WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling. Men's restrooms don't have things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The Ladies' restroom is more than a restroom. It is a place of tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he could hardly wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would bring him supreme ecstasy...

He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a "smirk" on her face. "What happened?",he exclaimed.

"You pushed one too many buttons", replied the nurse.

"The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!"

A gynecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order.

After some serious thought he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had enjoyed up to the time he entered college, would be a good profession.

However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that to work on any of the newest engines and be able to compete with the younger work force, he would have to go to school.

So he enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics and pretty much aced the course.

The final exam however, required each student to completely strip and reassemble a complete engine.

So it was with some trepidation he took on the task.

At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When the grades were handed out he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructor how it was possible to have a grade like this.

The instructor replied that it really quite simple.

He gave him 50% for correctly disassembling the engine,

50% for correctly reassembling the engine and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. when he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"