KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

I got up this morning, but haven't yet dressed.
My dishes aren't done, my house is a mess.
Have not done my work, have not fed the cat,
Just on-line a second, and popped in to "chat".

I used to watch movies, I used to cook Mex,
I think I remember..., yeah! I used to have SEX!
I used to walk upright, now roll on my chair,
Tho' it causes the neighborhood children to stare.

I wanted to travel around on the Net,
Been too busy chatting to get on there yet.
I wanted to spreadsheet, word process, or paint,
But gettin' on with them is just what I ain't!

So much to learn and I wanted to but--
I'm too busy chatting and splitting a gut,
Talkin' and listenin'..., is it such a sin?
Oh, gawd, what a fix I have got myself in!

Then up pops a name on my neat Buddy List,
Think I'll go out and give HIS tail a twist!
And in comes an IM from some weirdo guy
I cuss 'im, insult 'im, and tell him "bye bye".

Is there a 12 step, support group, or anything such?
For those of us folks who chat on too much?
If there's a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it prob'ly would be here online!

Are there therapists here? I think that I saw some
Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME.
It's my new computer, I've had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a "geek".

Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs,
Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!
Or better please, e-mail burgers and fries,
'Cause I'm staying ONLINE, at least 'til I die!!!

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.

She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

#10: The computer keeps asking you to "Insert Setup Disk #3 to continue"
#9: There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data.
#8: The computer refuses to interact with the Mir's "Mr. Java" coffee maker.
#7: Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA 900#.
#6: Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite's computers to keep their system running.
#5: The Space Shuttle can no longer dock with Mir since "the proper driver cannot be found"
#4: The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life support, the solar panels and thrusters at the same time.
#3: The astronauts spend three days looking for cyrillic version of the CTRL-ALT-DEL keys.
#2: Alien ships secretly observing Mir flee in terror.

And the number one sign the new Mir computer is running Windows 95....
#1: You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg

Remember, old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair,gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their butts and gas in their stomachs.

I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed, then I go see John, then Charley Horse comes along, and he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stay the rest of the day. He doesn't stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!

P.S. The Preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, oh, I do, all the time.

No matter where I am, in the parlor, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself what am I here after?

An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office:
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly.
"Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says:

'Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four.' Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: 'Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!'

Again,

there's a bright flash...... and both his legs fall off.

Little Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they gave him an oral exam to make up for the test he missed. The principal agreed so they called Little Johnny into the office and explained to him what they were going to do.

Then the teacher asked, "Johnny, what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"
Little Johnny replied, "Legs."

The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?"
Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
Little Johnny replied. "Rome."

The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"

The principal replied,

"Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong"

All Pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (Outside Diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. NB: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is a reommended thing, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.

All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.

Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe.

All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

All pipes shorter than 1/8 inch (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

Joints in pipes for piping water must be water-tight. Those in pipes for compressed air, however, need only be air-tight.

Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

Scottish Regiments in the Army use Army pipes in unusual ways. These are not approved of in engineering circles...

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

A novice priest taking his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the service he asked the monsignor how he had done.
"When I'm worried about getting nervous on the pulpit", the monsignor replied, "I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday the novice took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink, then delivered what he thought was the sermon of his life. On returning to his office after mass, though, he found a note from the monsignor on his door.

"When taking sermons", it read, "try to bear the following in mind;

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. We do not refer to the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.