KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A guy comes home to his wife with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days" and the husband say "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

A five-year-old is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lives across the street sees the beer and comes over to lecture the kid.

"Aren`t you a little young to be drinking, son?", the preacher asks. The kid replies, "That`s nothing; I got laid when I was three."

"What?! How did that happen?"

"I don`t remember. I was drunk."

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-sized hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss." replied the wife.

"Piss on him!" answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work today."

One day a driver picks up a stranger hitchhiking on the side of the road. The stranger gets in and he realized that there is a monkey in the back seat of the car. Twenty minutes goes by and suddenly the driver reaches back and slaps the monkey in the head real hard. The monkey then jumps in the front seat and starts giving the driver a blow job.

Again twenty minutes later the driver does this again, and the monkey performs the same action.

After a few other times, the driver asks the stranger "Do you want to try?" and the stranger replies, "OK but don't slap me that hard!"

There was this bar-owner, and he was suffering from poor attendance at his establishment. He decided to advertise for entertainment to bring the crowds in. After many poor auditions, he had this guy playing the piano. The guy was brilliant. He played the most beautiful music the landlord had ever heard. He got the job immediately.

While the bar-owner was chatting to the pianist, he asked what the tunes were called. "Well, the first one I played was called 'I fucked my mother up the ass'. And the second was 'I chopped my friend's dick off with a hatchet".

The bar-owner was not too happy with this, and he suggested to the pianist that if anyone asked him the name of his tunes, he makes up something soppy and romantic. The pianist agrees.

On his first night, the pianist starts playing but the music is awful. The bar-owner rushes up to the guy and says, "You're scaring my customers off, what's wrong?". "I'm nervous." replies the man. "I've never played before an audience. I need to jerk off to relax."

So the landlord gives him a double whiskey and a copy of Hustler and sends him off to the toilets.

Ten minutes later, this guy is once again playing sweet, sweet music on his piano for the pub patrons. He can't help but notice that a woman is looking at him in a special way. He returns the look, and eventually she approaches him.

"Do you know your cock is out, and you've got spunk dribbling down your pant leg?" she asked.

"Know it?" he said. "I fucking wrote it!!"

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did?"

The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"

"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"

"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

One day a man walks into his Doctors office and told the Doc that his elbow was sore. The Doc examined hime and told him to go and urinate in this cup.
The man complied with the Dr.s request and brought the cup back but was a little curious so he asked the Dr. "What did you need the urine for there Doc?"

The Dr. told him that he has a new machine that can take the urine specimin and diagnose the exact problem. The Doctor poured the urine into the machine. The machine sputterd and hacked, and began to smoke. It then spit out this piece of paper, The Dr. took the paper and read it to the man. He said "The computer says you have tennis elbow".

The man protested and said "That machine knows nothing, I don't even play tennis!" The Dr. gave he man a cup to take home and bring back another sample in the morning.

The man took the cup and had the dog pee in it, then his wife, his son, daughter, then himself followed by masturbating into the cup. The next morning he took the cocktail to the Dr. to run through the computer.

The M.D. took it and poured it into the machine and again the machine spit, sputtered and poured out smoke and a few seconds later out came a sheet of paper. The man eagerly awaiting the diagnosis asked "Well Doc what does your computer say this time?"

The Dr. scratched his head saying, "Hmmmmmm this is odd, but it says here that Your dog has fleas, your son is gay, your dughter is pregnant, your wife has V.D. and if you don't quit jacking off you will never get rid of that tennis elbow."

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?".

Everyone puts up their hands.

He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"

Half the audience puts up their hands.

"And who here has touched a ghost?"

Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.

He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?"

A little man from Pakistan sitting in the front row puts up his hand.

The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?"

The man replies (in a thick accent): "Oh No! I thought you said GOAT!"

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he ask's the bartender where's the bathroom at?
The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hear's this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom.
A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you asshole!!!