KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."

One day, two deputies in the sheriff's office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.

When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say "it could have been worse."

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed."

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator, "What are you doing?" asked the mother. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me, I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV. "What on earth are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!"

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Gatiep and Abdul reckon; no it's time to go see a movie on dis one Satteday night. So off they go to see a lekker western like.. They bought the tickets and in they went. At a certain point in the movie, Gatiep reckons: " hey, Abdul, you see dat hero on the white stellion coming ove' da prerie? Well I bet u ten rend he's gonna besh his head against dat overhenging branch dere by de tree......." "True?" says Abdul, "nooo men, he cawnt be so stoopid men, but ok, you on for ten rend" So there comes the hero on his white stallion in all his splendour and glory....................galloping across the prairie..............with the wind gushing through his hair.................. And truly, as predicted, he passes under the tree and bashes his head against the overhanging branch, falling to the ground. Abdul looked at Gatiep in amazement and, whilst at a loss for words, digs into his pocket to pay his debt. Gatiep took the ten rand, looked at it, thought a while and then decided to return it to Abdul saying: "hey ou chommie, I gotto confess men, I seen de movie before men.........
"Really!?" Abdul exclaimed, "and to fink I see de movie before too hey, but I dirrent fink dis ou's gonna be so stoopid to besh his head again hey..........."

So Van and Mike got sent out to the platteland to go fix some telephone wires. They finally landed at a place called Witgatworteldraai, which was probably 2 days drive from Put-sonder-water and 3 days drive from Skilpad-vrek-van-die-dors. They fixed themselves a nice camp next their telkom truck and started working on the overhead telephone lines. While Van was busy with the wiring at the top of one of the poles, Mike had to hold the ladder. Suddenly Mike had a little call from nature. The pressure on his bladder got too much so he asked to be excused for a minute. He trots off and quickly finds himself a huge rock, behind which he starts to relieve himself. He was however not paying much attention to himself, he was concerned about Van at the top of the ladder and kept looking back to see if Van is ok. Suddenly a snake bit him right there where you don't discuss................on the tip the snake bit him................... Mike screamed and ran towards Van: " hey Van, phone a doctor, I've been bitten by a puffadder!!!!!"
Van does his duty and finally gets hold of the doctor at Skilpad-vrek-van-die-dors. The doctor immediately responded that the patient needs to be stabilised and proceeds to explain how the snake poison must be sucked out of the wound............
Meanwhile Mike is getting impatient and is hopping about on the ground. "What does the doctor say?!" Mike shouts in a panicky tone from the ground, producing his organ and looking very worried.
Van looks down from the telephone pole and in a sad tone of voice says:
"The doctor says you are going to die..............."

Koos visited Cape Town and decided to travel by train through the Southern suburbs. The wind was blowing at about 127 km/h. Despite this he decided to open the window and let some fresh air in. At Heathfield station this huge bruiser gets onto the train. He had long tatty blonde hair with tattoos all over his body. He looked mean. As the train took off again, the wind came gushing into the compartment and the bruiser duly closed the window. Koos looked at this lot and decided he wants the window open again. Once again the wind came gushing into the compartment. The bruiser quickly rose and shut the window. Koos then simply opened the window again. The bruiser jumped up, angrily shut the window and snapped at Koos: "Hey, what game you think you playing?" Koos opened the window and nonchalantly replied: "Draughts, it's your move........."

Van turned 84. From all the excitement at the birthday party, he had a heart attack the following day. His wife called the doctor immediately. The doctor arrived with a handy speed and proceeded to check out old Van. After some consideration the doctor turned to Van's wife and said: "Sorry madam, this man is no longer with us........."
But you have to understand that the boere are tough. Van rose onto his elbow and muttered: "No.........I'm..........I'm............still here............" and blearily looked at his wife in anticipation.
Whilst still paying attention to what the doctor is saying, she snaps:
"Oh shut up, the doctor knows better than you!"

A farmer and his wife are lying in bed one night when the farmer starts to rub her breasts. He says "If these would only give milk, then we could get rid of our cows." After a few minutes he starts rubbing her bottom. He says "If this would only lay eggs, then we could get rid of our chickens." After a while his wife starts rubbing his penis. She says "If this would only get hard more often then we could get rid of the farmhand!"

A mom and her 4 year old son were taking a shower when he asked her "mommy what's that?" as he was pointing to her crotch, she replied "that's mommy's sponge" and the boy nodded.

A couple of days later they were taking a shower and the boy asked "mommy what happened to your sponge?" the mother replied " I lost it" (she had shaved it off).

A couple days later the boy came running into the house "mommy mommy i found your sponge", the mom said "you found my sponge?" the boy answered "yeah the lady next door has it and she is washing daddy's face.

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."