KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

There was to be a huge international fancydress ball. All the guests were asked to dress in such a manner as to represent their individual countries. For instance, the lady from Greece would ideally be covered in grease............etc. And so our dear Koos van der Merwe was invited too. He decided to be original and on the night of the ball he arrived in all his splendour and naked glory with only a brown paper bag covering his vital organ. The door man stopped him and asked where Van thought he was going. Van said: "The fancy dress ball of course". The door man said that he could not imagine which country Van represents and doubted whether Van had the right address. Van insisted that he was one of the honoured guests. The door man proceeded to pertinently enquire about where Van thought he came from. Van said: "Well, put me next to miss Greece over there, and you will see Pakistan"

Girl takes her boyfriend to meet her parents - real salt-of-the-earth farmers.

He enjoys the stay, and likes her parents. Towards the end of the weekend, he is chatting with the father.
"Now son, how did you like your stay?", asked the father.
"I really enjoyed it", says the boyfriend, "there's just one thing that puzzles me."
"What's that?", asks the father.
"Your wedding photos", says the boyfriend. "On each and every one of them you are sitting, and your wife is standing. Now that's not the usual way - why is that?"
"Aah, there's an easy explanation for that", says the father, with a twinkle in his eye. "You see, we had problems, and those pictures were only taken after we got back from the honeymoon. By then, I could not stand anymore, and my wife could not sit..."

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife, and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!"

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arky said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle
Politicians are starting to make sense
You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects
You have a "Reserved Parking" space at your liquor store
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
You don't recognize people, unless seen through bottom of glass
You start kissing portraits on the wall.
You strike a match and light your nose.
You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the coat closet.
You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
You pick up a roll and butter your watch.
You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
You realize you're the only one under the coffee table!

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

A Male's Response:

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Two Irish nuns we're on their way to a new convent in the US and on the plane ride over, one nun told that other that she had heard that Americans eat dogs. The other nun was rather aghast, but she said, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do..."

After getting settled, the more adventurous nun said to the other that they should go try one of those dogs. So they set off and found a local hot DOG stand. Each nun ordered one and the took their "dogs" to the park to eat under the trees. Finally one nun becomes brave and opened up the wrapping on hers.

She looked at it and her face turned bright red. After what seemed like an hour, she finally looked at the other nun and said," "So what part of the dog did you get?"

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.

So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.

"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room.
It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That's should be enough."

Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."