KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

There was a typical blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes!

One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepherd over. "That's a nice flock of sheep." She said.

Well thank you." Said the herder.

"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you." Said the woman.

"Okay." Replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman.

"Sure." Said the sheep herder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".

"Wow." Said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?" Queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back???"

A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He precedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, he stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there. "But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked. "Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back". Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today", she explained. "I don't understand what it means!" "Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which said:
"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

How about the seventy year old man that goes to a nudist colony for the first time to see if he wants to join. While he's looking around at the lovely ladies, he gets and erection. As soon as he does, a beautiful blonde runs up to him, gets down on her knees and gives him oral sex.
She finishes and he runs into the administration building..
"Here's my money. I want to be here for the rest of my life" he says..
They take his money. He leaves the building and feeling so good, he lights a cigar. As he's walking, he drops the cigar. He bends over to pick it up and some guy runs up to him and proceeds to jam his schlong up his arse. When he's finished, the old man runs back into the administration building and demands his money back. "Why do you want your money back?" asks the administration guy, to which the old man replys "I'm seventy years old. I get an erection once a month but I drop my cigar 5 times a day!".

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2.)Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

4.)The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

5.)Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too.

6.)Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator.

7.)And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"

8.)A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

9.)A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?"
My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

10.)"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

11.)While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yea! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

This woman went to her sex theripist for help.
"My husband and I have been married for 13 years and our sex live is dead. Can you please help me?" she told the theripist.
"We have this new experimental pills which could help, but it has not been properly tested. If you want to use it I will appriciate feedback from you about the results. Start with one pill. Mix it with his coffee and see what happens." she told the woman and gave her a bottle of pills.

The next afternoon the woman returned with a big smile on her face.
"Wow, it really worked. It was the best sex I've had in years. "What would happen if I gave him two pills?"
"The pills will do him no harm, but it has not been tried before. You are wolcome to try."

So the woman goes home and the evening she dropped two pills in her husband's coffee. Two days later she returns to her docter.

"It was wonderful. We didn't stop once. What will happen if I dropped 5 pills in his coffee?" she asked.
"Well, as I said, it won't harm him, but your welcome to try it." the docter responded.

That evening she felt brave and poured all the pills into his coffee.

A week later a little boy walked into the docter's office and grabed the woman by her coat and asked her, "Are you the bitch who gave those pills to my mom?"

"Well, yes, why?" she replied suprised.

"Why? Because my mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my ass hurts like hell and my dad is sitting in the corner repeating over and over 'Here citty citty'".

Scene : Joburg General.
Players : A Cuban/Pakistani Doctor

The doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription.

A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer."

The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Dammit! Some asshole has my pen."

Two ministers would meet each Sunday morning, riding their bicycles to their respective churches Then one Sunday one of the ministers was walking.

"My what happened to your bike?" asked the other.

"Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

"No!" said his fellow, then an idea struck him: "You want to know how to get your bike back? Next Sunday, give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about Thou shall not steal, just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

Well the next Sunday the minister comes riding up on his bike.

"Hey -- I see my suggestion worked."

"Well sort of -- I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery I remembered where I left the bike!"

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.
For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc.
After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs trailing.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"