KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered a solution:

"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job.", the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,"Let's see ...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Ali Bacher had put together the perfect cricket team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good fast bowler. He had scouted all the clubs, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quickie that would ensure a victory over Pakistan.

Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away-ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away-ka-blooey!

A car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window.

"I've got to get this guy," Ali says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to South Africa and teaches him the great game of cricket. Predictably, the young man tops all the test stats for wickets taken, and SA goes on to win the test series.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of South African Cricket, gets to meet Nelson Mandela and when Bacher asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the test series for South Africa." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son." "I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, your father had his car stolen and this week your sister was mugged in broad daylight...."

The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Johannesburg !"

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious!
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and said: "Tell me about some of the tourists who were here last year."

[If you heard about the Goodtimes hoax you'll love this one]

Please read the following in its ENTIRETY:

This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile.

It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace

your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying tobehold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

1995. Guinness

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors and the list goes on... Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask...

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"
In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. "What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives." Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed. "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!
Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said. The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo? And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Bitch

A housewife is at home cooking for her three sons and her husband who have gone hunting. Just before she is done cooking, they all return. In her haste to finish cooking the meal, she does not pay attention to what all these very hungry men are doing. They begin taking off their shoes on the floor, throwing their coats on the furniture, just making a big mess.
One of them even puts a box of BB's on the shelf over the stove. Well, the women does not see this and knocks the box of BB's into the pot of pea soup.
She just figures that no one will notice and serves the soup anyway. Well, no one notices and they all go upstairs to do their homework.
About a half hour later one of the boys comes running down the stairs screaming "Mom, mom, I just went to the bathroom and there are BB's in the toilet. The women, knowing where they came from replies "don't worry, it will pass". Another of her sons comes down the stairs screaming "Mom, mom, I just went to the bathroom and there are BB's in the toilet". Again she replies "don't worry, it will pass". The third son comes running down the stairs screaming "Mom, mom". She quickly replies "I know, you just went to the bathroom and there are BB's in the toilet". The boy replies "No, I just farted and shot the dog!"

Big Busted Women...
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Small Busted Women...
..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
..know that everything more than a mouthful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

A blonde and a Brunette go parachuting. The Blonde jumps first, pulls her parachute cord and is slowly drifting in the air and enjoying the view.

The brunette jumps after her, pulls her parachute cord but nothing happens!
She pulls it again, this time as hard as she can, still nothing. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either. She passes by the blonde like a speeding bullet!!!

The blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, "Soooo, you want to race, do you?!!!"