KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Dr. Cook was brought up on charges at the medical board. He had, it seemed, uttered the vilest profanity to his nurse. He explained, "Let me tell you what happened. My alarm didn't go off, so I woke up late. When I did wake up, I tried to turn on the light in the lamp on my nightstand. The bulb exploded and scared me for a minute, so I pulled the cord out of the wall and the lamp fell over and broke.

Then I was trying to make a little breakfast when a whole army of little Girl Scouts showed up and tried to sell me tons of cookies. I had to buy five boxes to get rid of the kids. By then my coffee was ice cold and my eggs were burned. I gulped down a glass of juice. It turned out to be sour.

When I started to drive to the office, the car conked out. The alternator was gone. I didn't have my auto club card with me so I had to pay to have the car towed to a service station. I looked at my service book and discovered that the warranty ran out last week.

I took a cab to the office, but around Main Street somebody sideswiped us and I hit my head on the door handle. I finally made it into my office when my nurse said, "Doctor, a shipment of thermometers just came in. What shall I do with them?"

The turmoil of the delivery room changed into silence and bewilderment as the newborn emerged from its mother. The doctor had no previous knowledge or historical case studies to aid him in diagnosing the situation at hand, as he stared at the new born boy, dumb-founded. The boy was born without eyelids! Time was critical. The doctor assembled the top residents in the hospital to determine a course of action, for the baby's sight was truly in peril. A decision was made. The boy would have his penis circumcised and the foreskin removed from his penis would be surgically reconstructed into eyelids. After ten hours in the operating room the doctors emerged. By this time the word of the baby boy born without eyelids had spread throughout the city. News reporters and all concerned gathered around the doctors, anticipating the outcome of the surgery. The doctors collectively agreed the operation was a success and a monumental achievement in reconstructive surgery. The crowd cheered and embraced one another. Reporters scribbled down notes and took pictures. Suddenly, from the back of the crowd a question emerged: Will there be any long-term side affects of this operation? The pandemonium of the jubilant crowd subsided. The silence was nervously painstaking as the doctors stared at each other. The doctors' heads nodded in unison and one doctor came forth. Yes, replied the Doctor, there will be one side affect. The boy's a little Cock-eyed!

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler.

Okay, so this woman goes in for her regular gynecological (boy, that's a mouthful) exam. She mounts the examination table and the doctor begins to go to work. He pokes around a bit and, suddenly, the woman screams "Ouuuch." The doctor, quite surprised that he has inflicted pain upon his patient, apologizes profusely and continues on with the exam. He pokes around a little bit more and, again, the woman screams out in pain. The doctor begs her forgiveness, explaining that he is doing nothing out of the ordinary and cannot understand why the woman is experiencing such discomfort. Soon the woman again cries out in pain and the doctor has had enough. "I'm sorry to have caused you such pain", he says, "Would you prefer it if I numbed the area up"?

The woman agrees that that would be the best course of action.

In response, the doctor buries his face in the woman's pussy and blurts out "Num, num, num, num, num....".

A woman has recently had an operation and is laying in the recovery room recuperating. The doctor walks in to see how she is progressing. After some initial small talk the woman asks the doctor, somewhat nervously, if it is alright for her to ask a question of a personal nature. To which the doctor replies that of course it was okay. The womens response was that the question was embarrasing and she was having difficulty finding the courage to ask. The doctor replied that there was absolutely no need to be embarrased. After all, had the doctor not seen her completely naked? Had the doctor not also cut her body open and operated on her internally? For crying out loud! One could say that the doctor had been more intimate with her than the women's own husband! To this response the women realized the sense the doctor was making and gratefully asked that now that the operation was over, how soon would she and her husband be able to resume sexual relations? This question flabbergasted the doctor and when the women noticed this and inquired as to the why the confusion the doctor promptly replied...

"Why, I've never had any one ask me that before after a tonsillectomy!"

A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle... I am still a virgin."

The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."

The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was an astronomer and all he ever wanted to do was look at it." Catching her breath, she then added, "And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was......................God, I miss him!"

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey.
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan.
It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lambly clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more.
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll.
There were too many lambly clones, for Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary.
So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary.
One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary...

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school. In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favor of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught. Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

2. The alleged human fetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.

3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.

4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well-documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.

5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.

6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."

Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."