KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A dog walks into the unemployment office and asks a man behind the desk if he would help him find work. The man, astonished at the sight of a speaking dog, replies, "I think I can help you."

The guy was immediately on the phone to the circus to find out if they could use the dog in their routine. The dog overhears some of this conversation and says, "I hate to interrupt, but what would the circus want with a brick layer?"

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, "Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."

A guy went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number of birds, aided by a dog named Gofer. Next year the guy returned and asked for Gofer again. "The hound ain't worth a damn anymore!" the handler said. "What happened?" asked the guy. "He get hurt?" "No. Some fool came down here and called him 'Boss' all week instead of Gofer. Now all he does is sit on his butt and bark."

Two dogs, Ruby and Lucy, and Curly (from the 3 stooges) were sent to outer space in a space shuttle.

The ground control issues commands:

"Ruby!"
"Woof!"
"Press the red button."
"Woof! Woof!"
"Lucy!"
"Woof!"
"Press the white button."
"Woof! Woof!"
"Curly!"
"Woof."
"Stop barking, damnit! Feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"

Bloke goes to the vets to pick up his sick dog

The vet comes in with the dog and says:
"I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to put your dog down"

The bloke is completely horrified and say with tears in his eyes:
"WHY?"

The vet goes:
"Because it's getting heavy!!"

A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up the T.V. a voice said "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the T.V. and whirled around his flashlight looking for someone without any luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said once again "Jesus is watching you."

He dropped the VCR and demanded "Who said that?" A voice in the back of the room said "Me, Clarence!" He spotted a parrot with the flashlight and said "Did you say that?" Clarence acknowledged. The burglar then asked "Who would name a Parrot Clarence?"

To which Clarence replied "The same guy who named the rottweiller Jesus!"

This guys dog was injured very badly so he rushed the dog to his vet. The vet looked at the dog and said to the man "there is nothing that can be done for your dog, I am very sorry", the guy begs and pleads with the vet to save his dog. The vet said "well, there is one more thing we can try", so he takes the dog into another room and lays it on the table.

The vet then opened a cage and out came a cat, the cat went up to the dog and slapped the dog up along one side of its head, then the cat slapped the dog up along the other side of its head. Then the cat jumped back in the cage. The vet said "I am sorry there is nothing more we can do for your dog he is gone, that will be $350" the vet says.

"WHAT $350"

"Yes", said the vet "that is $50 for the visit and $300 for the catscan."

A wealthy lady had been traveling out of the country and was flying back home. She had a lot of luggage including a little carrier for her pet dog whom she loved very much. When her airplane landed at the airport and her luggage was being unloaded, one of the attendants noticed that the dog inside the lady's dog carrier was dead. He went immediately and told his supervisor.

"This is just terrible!" said the supervisor. "This lady is very wealthy and could sue our company for not taking better care of her dog." He thought for a few moments and then quickly decided on a plan. "Here," he said, giving the attendant a handful of money, "take this and go to the pet store down the road and see if you can find a dog that looks like the dead dog. Do the best you can and I'll stall the lady until you get back." When the delay was getting to be too long, the wealthy lady complained loudly and demanded to be taken to her dog.

Luckily, the attendant had just arrived from the pet store with a live dog that he was sure not even the lady herself could tell from her own one. When he brought the carrier with the new dog inside to where the lady was, she immediately took it, opened it, then burst into tears. "This is not my dog!" she cried. "This is not my dog!" The supervisor tried to calm her. "Yes, it is," he said. "This is your dog." The lady cried all the louder, "This is not my dog!"

Back and forth they went for several minutes. The supervisor was desperate. The dog in the carrier was identical to the woman's dead dog in every way. He couldn't understand why she kept insisting that this was not her dog. Finally, he said, "Lady, it's obvious that this is your dog. Why do you keep saying that it's not?" The lady, still patting her eyes with her hanky, sobbed, "Because my precious little Poopsie died while we were overseas and I was bringing her home to bury her!"

A couple of carpet layers are installing new carpeting in the home of a pompous rich woman. They get the carpet all layed and one of them can't find his pack of cigarettes. He checks his pockets, etc., until finally his buddy spots a lump under the carpet.

"Shit, he says, we better handle this before that rich bitch sees it."

He goes to pull the carpet away from the wall when his buddy says,

"Wait, I have an easier way."

He takes his hammer and pounds the lump flat. Just then, the woman comes in and asks frantically,

"Have you seen my toy poodle?"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartemder. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And what kind of sport is Judo?"
"Rough!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'gentle'?"