KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer."

A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said: "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

A man is conversing with his neighborhood butcher, when a small dog trots in, holding some money in his mouth.
The butcher says, "What'll it be today? Beef?" The little dog shakes his head.
"How bout chicken?" The dog shakes his head 'no' again.
The butcher says, "Chops?" The dog wags his tail wildly.
"Pork chops?" Dog shakes his head.
"Lamb chops?" The tails wags frantically again.
"Okay, lamb chops..." The butcher cuts the meat, takes the money from the dog's mouth, and puts the wrapped chops in the dog's mouth, and the little dog trots off.
"That was amazing!" says the man.
"Oh, he comes in here every other day or so," says the butcher.
The man says, "I have to follow that dog and see where he lives!" He runs out, spots the dog trotting up the block. He follows him til the dog runs up a flight of steps to a house, gets on the porch, raises up on his hind legs, and rings the doorbell with his nose. A man comes to the door, takes the meat from the dog, then YELLS at him and locks him away in his crate.
The man watching is outraged. He storms up to the house, and rings the doorbell. When the dog owner appears, the man says, "You know, mister- that's absolutely the smartest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher shop for you, ORDERS the meat, PAYS for it, BRINGS it home, RINGS the damn doorbell, and you TREAT HIM THAT WAY?????"

"Yeah," says the man, "That's the 3rd time this week he forgot his key!"

There was this man that took his dog duck hunting with him in his little john boat.

When the ducks flew over head he shot and one fell. He told the dog to go and get the duck. The dog jumped from the boat walked across the water, got the duck, and came back.

The duck hunter couldn't believe his eyes. So he waited until more ducks flew over, shot, one fell, he ordered the dog to go get the duck. The jumped from the boat walked across the water, got the duck, and came back. The still couldn't believe his eyes. So off to town he went to find a preacher because everyone believes a preacher.

Well when they are sitting the boat, ducks fly by, man shoots, one falls, he orders the dog to fetch. The dog jumps from the boat walks across the water gets the duck and comes back. The preacher didn't say anything. So the man asked the preacher, "didn't you see anything strange about my dog?" The preacher answer, "sure he can't swim."

A long time ago, in the city of Munich, the inhabitants were having a big problem. There was a massive increase in the number of dogs residing in the city. Not only were thousands of dogs, but they were BIG dogs.... real hounds to be exact. Anyway, the people of Munich bunched together and decided they would solve the problem by driving all the dogs out of the city and into the hills. So one day, they all grouped together and forced all the hounds out of the city and into the hills, thereby solving their problem.

However, this action proved disastrous for the neighbouring town of Lieden. Lieden was a leader in the manufacturing of paper and the big paper mills provided work for many. As the hounds in the hills began to get hungry, they descended upon the small town of Lieden and were soon running a riot! All the shops were broken into as the dogs searched for food. As Lieden was much smaller than Munich, they didn't have the manpower to force the hounds out of the town and all the inhabitants decided to go to Munich and complain. As they were leaving their homes, suddenly a tremendous noise came from up on the hill, where the paper-mill was located. As all the residents were in the process of evacuating, they were puzzled as to who was running the mills. Suddenly, an old man spoke up, claiming he knew the answer. He took a deep breath and said:

"The Mills Are Alive With The Hounds of Munich!"

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is myseeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher? Man replies "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

There was this bloke who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.

The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration.

Picking up a stick, he throws it and says 'Fetch.' Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says 'Drop' and the dog drops the stick at his feet. 'Roll over' and the dog rolls over.

By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.

"Sure," replies the evangelist.

"Heel," says the owner

And the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man and says, "I command this sickness to leave you..."

One day when I was about 8 years old, my Dad and I were sitting on the front porch having one of those rare Father-Son bonding events. We had been talking for about 10 minutes when all of a sudden, a dog I have never seen before, came up on our porch and started licking my hand. I was excited because I loved dogs but I didn't have one of my own.
"Who's the owner?" asked my Dad. I looked but there was no name-tag.
"There's no name tag Dad" I replied.
"Does the dog have a Rabies tag?
I looked and answered "No Dad, he doesn't have a rabies vaccination tag either".
My father stared at me for a moment and then asked "Well then Greg..... tell me what state was the dog born?"
I was a little stunned by his question. So I said "Dad... if he has no name tag... if he has no rabies tag... and if all he does have is a small collar, then how am I supposed to tell where he was born?"
My Dad hung down his head and slowly moved it left then slowly to the right. He looks back at me and says "You really don't know how to tell from what state a dog is born?"
"No Dad" I answered. (I started to feel like I really let my Dad down).
Then he said "Okay Come on- I'll teach you. Come over here and stand next to me". He kneeled down on one knee, faced the dog away from us, and lifted the dog's tail. "Do you see that "O" here under the dog's tail?" he asked, as he was pointing to the dog's butt.
"Yes I do. I answered.
"Well" said my Father, "That means that this dog is from Ohio!"

A guy is at a nightclub. His bowels start to grumble and can feel a huge fart coming on. He heads for the toilets, but there is a line of people already waiting. He is getting desperate and would be very embarrased if other people heard him passing wind. Then he notices a lady with her poodle, and thinks "if I sit near the dog and fart, people will think the dog did it".

He races over near the dog, and lets out a beauty.

The lady says "Fido!!".
The guy thinks "Yes...this is working!", and lets out another fart.
The lady repeats "FIDO!!!!".
The guy thinks "What an idea, no one will know it was me", and lets out another fart.

The lady screams "FIDO!!!!!! Come here before he shits on you!"

A blind guy stops at an intersection with his guide-dog. The sign lights to cross, but instead of helping his owner to cross, the dog cocks his leg an pees on the man's pants. The blind guy reaches in his pocket and gives the dog a cookie.

A fellow next to them observes this and tells the blind guy, "Hey, that dog just pissed on your leg. If it was my dog, I'd kick his ass!"

Blind guy says, "I'm working on it. But first I gotta find his goddamn head!"

A little boy and his father were taking a stroll around the neighborhood one evening and in one of the yards they came across two dogs fucking. " What are they doing dad?" asked the young boy. "it looks as if the one dog really hurt his front legs and the other dog is helping him get home son." "Aint it just like a friend" the boy replyed, "ya try to help em out and they still try to fuck ya!"