KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Seems there were a pack of wild dogs that roamed a nice neighborhood , leaving huge piles of shit for all the neighbors to clean out of their yards.. everyone used shovels except this old guy at the end of the street. He just walked out with a mason jar and an eye dropper and applied a small amount of liquid to the mounds and they would allways be gone by the afternoon, no matter how big. One day one of the courious neighbors saw this wise old man comming out of the market and just had to ask, "what is that magic liquid that you use on those turds???" "Bacon grease " replied the old man, "Just Bacon grease."

This guy goes into a bar, obviously depressed. He orders a few shots and sits at the bar looking miserable. The bartender comes up and asks, "Say, what's wrong chum?"

The guy says, "I went home early today and caught my wife having sex with my best friend."

"Geez, what did you do to your wife?"

"I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out!"

"What did you do to your best friend?"

"I went up to him and said BAD BAD BAD dog!!!"

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know upstairs bathroom? Well, one of the pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?" The man just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few weeks go by, and he comes home from work, and again his wife asks for a little favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like, one of the Mr. Goodwrench?" was the response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads to him as he's walking through the door, "Honey, there's a leak in the roof! Can you please fix it?" He just looked at her, said, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watced a game on TV. One weekend the husband woke up and the rain was pouring down pretty hard, but the leak in the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't anymore leaks, and the car's running?" She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, John. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him." she said. "Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do think I look like, Betty fucking Crocker?"

WE HOLD THESE CHICKENS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT by Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, July 4, 1997

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men, women and rugrats are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and fried chicken on the Fourth of July.

Independence Day is even more of a feast than Thanksgiving or Christmas because it involves luscious foods like fried chicken, corn on the cob and watermelon -- not dry, tasteless foods like roast turkey and inedible dishes like yams with marshmallows burned on top of them (obviously an English concoction).

But this national birthday does have its links to turkey. Benjamin Franklin, as you may recall, wanted the turkey rather than the bald eagle to be the national bird, and not just because the turkey tastes better than the eagle. Indeed, an eagle is about the only bird that tastes less remarkable than a turkey. Or so I am told.

Franklin thought the turkey was so peculiar to this continent that it would better symbolize America than the eagle, which he ridiculed as a scuzzy bird. Actually, he had more of a point than he realized. The turkey would have fit this country better, at least in these modern times, because America has evolved into something different. Today, we tend to devalue things like the eagle that have only an intangible natural value. They are merely pleasant to look at. And that doesn't sell any widgets.

The turkey, by contrast, is a commercial success. And it is typical of American eating habits. It is a food for a gluttonous nation that values quantity over flavor -- and Benjamin Franklin was a glutton in food, sex, humor and other famous freedoms.

The Fourth is the most flavorful of our national feast days because it involves a large variety of foods infinitely more tasty than the relatively bland turkey, bread stuffing, yams and pumpkin pie of Thanksgiving and Christmas. (Pumpkin pie is all right, but only if you've run out of apples, apricots, peaches, cherries and, of course, bananas.)

But there are two principal differences between chicken and turkey -- quantity and flavor. The turkey has more of the former, the chicken more of the latter. And the chicken is far more versatile. You can roast it like a turkey, but you can also fry it or boil it and it works like crazy. Chicken is friendly to flavoring. (Try frying it with garlic, rosemary and a little white wine if you don't believe me.)

Turkey is about as versatile as chalk. It works pretty well roasted and with noodles, but that's about it. You can fry it 50 different ways using 100 different herbs and spices and it just doesn't cut it. Turkey just won't flavor or fry. That's not its thing.

Hence, we will not be having Mr. Franklin's most American bird for America's birthday dinner today. We will be eating a creature believed to have originated in India. And an Indian food would normally be appropriate to this continent, but these are the wrong Indians. Or are the Asian Indians the right ones?

On the other hand, confusion in names and races and foods is typical of this land and therefore appropriate. Thus we will eat a bird that originated with the real Indians, not with the Indians inaccurately named by an Italian working for a Spanish queen who discovered a continent initially settled by the English and since overrun by everybody else.

Also appropriate to this day of celebration for the national family, we will be cooking our chicken in the manner of my family because this is a day of personal nostalgia. The scents and flavors of yesteryear will fill the house today -- chicken, dredged in flour, fried in oil and then steamed to tenderness in a lidded pan, plus home-made bread, fresh corn and potato salad, no turkey, no eagle.

Most of all, there will be no steak-and-kidney pie, no foul fare of that distant despot who once denied a people their fundamental right to a dinner of their own design, using ingredients gathered, like the occupants or this land, from the far corners of the Earth.

These dishes are, and of right ought to be, full of American flavor. With a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our Southern-fried chicken.

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it.

All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window.

Once more, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...

THE FIGHT

In a famous court case from a small western mining town, the testimony referenced a number of pieces of evidence. The jury was shown the weapons used by the defendant, who was being charged with aggravated assault.

The incriminating evidence included a huge pole, a dagger, a pair of shears, a saw, and a fan. The defense countered the charges by insisting that the jury see the objects that their client had been forced to defend himself against: a scythe, a hoe, an ice pick, a shovel, and a pair of tongs.

After hearing the case, the twelve-man jury filed in slowly and the foreman read the verdict: "We, the jury, would have paid $5,000 to see that fight!"

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense sir, but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 metres, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 metres.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender..."I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy, spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax"