KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be a little over-protective of his daughters. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.

One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates.

The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,

Hi, I'm Joe,
I'm here for Flo,
We're goin' to the show,
Is she ready to go?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,

Hi, I'm Eddie,
I'm here for Jenny,
We gettin' spaghetti,
Is she ready?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,

Hi, I'm Chuck,

And the farmer shot him.

This little boy was sittin one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and he decided to talk to the little boy. The boy had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher seeing this said, what cha doin with that water? The little boy studied the contents of the jar for a minute and said.

Preacher this here is Turpintine. It's the strongest liquid in the world.

The preacher immediately said to the little boy, son Holy water is the strongest liquid in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant womans belly she will pass a baby boy?

The little boy thought about this one for a minute and said to the preacher. Oh no sir this is still the strongest. If you rub a little of this here stuff on a cats back it will pass a motorcycle!!!!

The little girl arrives at home late. Her mother asks her what she did. "I was around with a few cowboys and a very nice Indian brought me just back on his horse. I sat behind him, my arms around his strong body and I didn't let go the knob of the saddle of my hands. It wasn't dangerous!" The mother replies:"Girl, Indians don't ride with saddles..."

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy", says the man. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there". An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, Chihuahua, shotgun and a pair of hand cuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's balls. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on". The man asks "What do I do with the shotgun?" "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
"Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

Once upon a time, a pregnant woman whose husband was away on a business trip went into labor. She called her incredibly stupid brother to assist her since her husband was out of town. The brother got her to the hospital, and as she was being taken to delivery she grasped his arm and said, "If anything happens to me, I want you to name my child." He promised he would, and she then disappeared into the O.R. where she experienced an extremely difficult delivery which rendered her unconscious for several days.

When she came to, she saw her stupid brother sitting beside her bed. She groggily asked, "What happened?" He beamed proudly and said, "It was touch and go for a while and we almost lost you, but everything is dandy and you had twins, a boy and a girl, exactly one week ago."

"A boy and a girl! My heavens! But I've been out an entire week... So did you name them for me?" she asked, warily.

"Yep I did, and you're gonna like that part too!"

"Really? So what did you name my daughter?"
"Denise."

"Denise... Denise! What a lovely name! And my son?" "Denephew."

A man walks into a pub and says loudly, "Barman? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!" The crowd cheers, the barman pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself. "That'll be £80 for the round," says the barman, to which the man replies, "I don't have a brass farthing."

The angry barman drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street. The next night, the same man again walks in and says, "Barman? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE - and go ahead and have one yourself, too!" As the crowd cheers, the barman reasons to himself that no one would come in and try that trick twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the drinks and knocks one back himself. "OK, that's £80 for last night, and £63 for tonight," to which the man replies, "Sorry, I don't have two ha'pennies to rub together." The barman, enraged at this, drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street.

The next night, amazingly, the barman hears over his shoulder as he's working, "Barman? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE." Turning around, he can't believe the same guy is back for a third time. "What, nothing for me this time?" "No way," says the man, "You just get violent when you drink!"

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.

The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife said, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.

The wife said, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife." I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

Dec Rourke rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Dec smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dec breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Dec stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Dec stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"