KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Q: How many postal workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. When the lights go out, they all shoot each other. (or is it that they all shoot each other and THEN the lights go out?)

While stationed in Washington, D.C., this man used Arlington National Cemetery as a shortcut on his way to give a briefing at Fort Myer. To his surprise he encountered a roadblock manned by the military police. An MP approached him and said in a stern voice, "Are you supposed to be here?"

Unsure of what to say, he replied," Not yet." The MP held back a smile and waved him on.

- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." [too late, this one already exists]

- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.

- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.

- On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

- On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.

- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

- On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

- On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.

- On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.

- On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.

- On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.

- On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.

- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.

- On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.

- On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.

- On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

- On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

Two Aliens land in Detroit next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!"

He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!"

Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second and says, "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect, I'm going to blast him!" The second Alien replies "O.K., but I'm just going to stand down on the next block." The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling, take me to your leader!"

No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off, then goes down the block to his buddy. He then says to the second Alien, "If you knew that was going to happen, why didn't you warn me?"

The second replies, "I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who's penis can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!"

Charlottesville may appear at first blush as a provincial southern college town but it has it's share of unique eateries. Being a town where Ph.D.'s are as plentiful as cab drivers, err...UVA professors, the restaurants can get fairly...unusual. Tonight, we visited the Area 51 cafe, one of C-Ville's best kept secrets.

o Reservations were particularly difficult to secure as the telephone number is unlisted and the resturaunt does not appear on any map. In fact, the mangement denies the existence of the establishement entirely. Prior customers seem to have no recollection of what the food was like, much less ever being there.

o When we finally got the number and called in a reservation, the hostess asked us to recite the recognition code of the week.

o The hostess was reluctant to give us directions to the place but instead told us to simply drive down the Blue Ridge Parkway late at night until a bright bluish-white light appeared overhead.

o Although there was valet parking, the parkers, heavily armed and wearing blue berets, sternly warned us to steer clear of the garage.

o After they took our blindfolds off, we noticed that most of the other patrons were strapped to their dinner tables and appeared to be sedated.

o The restaurant maintains that it does not have a cover charge, however at the end of the meal we were assessed a substantial cover-up charge.

o The menu was a bit of a challenge for us because it was Vingiere-table encrypted and we forgot to bring our one-time pad.

o We were really concerned about getting the right dishes as the waiters categorically refused to write anything down.

o We asked our waiter about the specials of the day, but after a nod from the chain-smoking maitre'd, he feigned ignorance and would neither confirm nor deny the existance of the alleged dishes.

o We suspect that at one time there was a lovely scenic view from the dining room, but at the time of our visit all the windows were blacked out and covered in a fine stainless steel mesh.

o The restaurant has had an admirably long tenure, and we learned that until 1947, the diners had the option of eating indoors or al fresco, but the crash of what was clearly a weather balloon ended this practice.

o We were unable to rate the promptness of the service as our wristwatches began to run backwards immediately upon entering, and because each of us appeared to have lost consciousness at different points during the meal.

o Some of the meat dishes appeared to have been autopsied in the late 1940s.

o We were impressed with the mesquite grilled California Condor pate which had a not entirely unpleasant aroma of formaldehyde laced with almonds.

o The silverware was a bit difficult to manipulate as the spoons would spontaneously bend as soon as you touched them.

o We particularly enjoyed the Dessicated Groom Lake trout served with fissile Chutney.

o We were disappointed that the cream cheese and LOX on poppy bagels arrived unreasonably cold and brittle.

o We regret we cannot award more than a mediocre rating to the garden salad doused with a pungent honey-mustard gas vinigarette dressing.

o We feasted on an apparently endless quantity of glazed leg of cloned mutton over amerith couscous.

o After requesting an iced tea refill from our waiter, we were unsure of what to make of his comment, "No, I'm not your waiter, but yes, all of us do look a lot alike."

o We were impressed by their on site microbrewery, which served a wonderful complimentary Versed Stout.

o We highly reccomend the sweet and sour Roswell chowder surprise.

o We had to send back one entree for reheating which was quickly accomplished by a few seconds in the beam of a cyclotron.

o Following the meal, our check was delivered, not with the customary after-dinner mints, but with small cylindrical metallic implants made of an as yet unidentified material.

o The reviewers would like to thank the gracious services of Dr. Charles Foucault, liscensed regression hypnotherapist, without whom the recovered memories of this evening of fine dining would not have been possible.

o We invite anyone who has had a similar dining experience to our group therapy session Wednesdays at the Whitley Streiber memorial auditorium at 2000 or 8 civilian o'clock, whichever comes first.

A young man struck up a communication with a young lass in a singles bar. All went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest. The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing happened.

Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them.

The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and Scrabble. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed.

As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing someone."

Once upon a time there was a nice young man called Karim. He used to sell caps for a living, and roam around several villages. One day he would be in Mughalsarai, the other day people would find him in Faizabad. It was an afternoon in summer, and he was traversing the vast plains when he felt tired and wanted to have a nap. He found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade, placed his bag of caps beside him and went to sleep.

Tired as he was, he was quickly fast asleep. When he woke up after a refreshing little nap, he found that there weren't any caps in his bag! "Oh, Allah!", he said to himself, "Did the thieves have to find me of all people?" But then he noticed that the mango tree was full of cute monkeys wearing colorful caps!

He yelled at the monkeys and they screamed back. He made faces at them and found the monkeys to be experts at that. He threw a stone at them and they showered him with raw mangoes. "Ya Allah, how do I get my caps back," he said. Frustrated, he took off his own cap and slammed it on the ground. And lo, the stupid monkeys threw their caps too! Smart Karim didn't waste a second, collecting the caps and was on his way.

50 years later Young Abdul, grandson of famous topiwala Karim who was also working hard a making $$$ doing his family business, was going through the same jungle. After a long walk he was very tired and found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade. Abdul decided to rest a while and very soon was fast asleep. A few hours later, when Abdul woke up, he realized that all the caps from his bag were gone! Abdul started searching for the same and to his surprise found some monkeys sitting on the mango tree wearing his caps. Abdul was frustrated and didn't know what to do. And then he remembered a story his grandfather use to tell him.

"Yes!!! I can fool these monkeys!!!", said Abdul. "I'll make them imitate me and very soon I'll get all my caps back!"

Abdul waved at the monkeys -- the monkeys waved at Abdul
Abdul blew his nose -- the monkeys blew their noses
Abdul started dancing -- the monkeys also danced
Abdul pulled his ears -- the monkeys pulled their ears
Abdul raised his hands -- the monkeys raised their hands
Abdul threw his cap on the ground ................... ..........one of the monkeys jumped down from the tree, walked up to Abdul; slapped him and said "Asshole!! Do you think ONLY YOU HAD A GRANDFATHER??"

It was the night before Christmas, when all through the trailer park. Not a pop-top was poppin', not even Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was hung over the space heater with care, in hopes Santy would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.
The kids was asleep in their NASCAR pj's, dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon Pies, and RC's.
And Earlene in her curlers and me in my John Deere cap had just settled into out La-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.
Then out in the bacant lot I heard such a commotion I thought it was neighbor Clyde, finally got hiw T'bird in motion.
I heaved out of my recliner and to the window I flew, busted out the screen and hollored for Blue.
The moon was shinin' down on my old wrecked cars so brught they was sparklin' like rusty old stars. And I couldn't believe my own hardworkin' eyes, When a jacked-up Ford pickup come flyin' through the sky! Gaster'n Ole Ironhead his possums they camd and he whooped and hollered and called 'em by name:
Git up Sooner! Hi Duke! Move yer tails Yaller and Spud! On Blackie! On Queenie! You mind me Duchess and Bud!
To the top of the satellite dish! To the top of the shed! Now move it! Step on it! Y'all get out the lead!
You know how, on our road, when a car goes by, there's all this dirt flies up into the sky?
That's how this crew went straight on up onto my roof with that pickup full of toys, a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in I heard up on the tin the scrabbling around of them flying possums of his'n. I yanked my head back in the trailer and hitched up my shorts...
down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came with a grunt and a snort! He was dressed in red-and-green camo from his neck to his feet and I had to give him credit-he still had most of his teeth.
Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale slung on his back-there was flyswatters an' Tupperware an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
His eyes took in out humble home:
The funiture we bought on layaway in town...
Earlene's pride, that Elvis on velvet...
My collections of barbed wire...and license plates made by relatives.
I coulda' swore I even saw a glistening tear
When his eye fell on sweet Earlene, a snorin' in her chair.
He kindly favored Hank, Jr., with a big round belly that shook when he laughed like a blob of K-Y jelly.
Yep, he was fat all right, blocked out our whole large screen TV, and I had to laugh when I saw him, 'cause he looked just like me!
When he winked his eye I knew fer sure he'd treat up right- why, he might even leave me some ammo tonight! I stood there dreamin' of whitetail while I watched him work, then he stopped and, like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.
He topped off our stockin's with Moon Pies and bottle rockets, then squoze up that dryer vent like Spam in your pocket.
He jumped in his pickup, laid down on the horn-I'm not lyin'!
And they took off like white lightnin' with their possum tails flyin'.
But I heard him holler as he headed for the 7-11

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opens the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, i'm 40 years old, and look at me, i'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband. The mother walked out of the room shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom. Upon entering the room he found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told mom. I'm 40 years old now and i'm ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as i'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home and found her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other watching the football game on TV. "What on Earth are you doing?" She cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like i'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the superbowl game with my son-in-law!!"

Q: Why do men spend so long on the toilet?
A: Because it's the only way they can get a bit of peace.

Q: Why does a man never put the toilet roll on the holder?
A: Because if there's a woman around there's no point, it will be empty again in seconds.

Q: Why do men always fall asleep after sex?
A: Because they've just done all of the hard work!

Q: How many "wimmin" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Once the light bulb realises that the world order is a Facisitic dictatorship, perpetuated by men in order to hold women down, deny them their true place & the superiority that they truly deserve, the light bulb will realise that it is time to throw off the shackles of male dominance & will change itself for the better, by rejecting everything male & getting in touch with her true self through communion with the Earth Mother.

Q: Why do women have PMT?
A: I DON'T KNOW! They just do, OK!!!!!!!!

Q: What's the CORRECT answer a man's supposed to give when a women asks them "Do I look fat?"
A: There isn't one. Just prey that she'll suddenly suffer an attack of severe amnesia!

Q: Why do the men usually die before their spouses?
A: It's the only way to be assured of getting a rest.

Q: Where can I find a woman who's even partially sane?
A: Forget it, just make do with the way it is.

Q: How do you really piss a woman off?
A: Treat her as an equal.

Q: No, how do you REALLY piss a woman off?
A: By showing even the most rudimentary life signs when other women are about (including breathing, pulse, looking out for the truck that's about to run you over, etc.)

Q: No, I mean REALLY, REALLY....
A: Tell her it's been a hard day, your back aches & your just too tired for a bit of sex.

Q: You're not getting the hang of this... I mean REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ......(etc., etc., etc)
A: By doing exactly what she tells you to do.