KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

I don't know what's wrong with me, doctor." said the young curvy callgirl. "I just feel so tried all the time -- dragged out. Just plain fatigued; no pep at all. Do you think it's vitamin deficiency, diet, low blood sugar, or what ?"

The doctor gave the young lady a complete physical and then after studying the results said, "Miss, there's really nothing at all wrong with you that I can find. You're just run-down, that's all. You've been working far too hard and for too many hours. I suggest you try staying out of bed for a few days."

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephants tail really hard.
Years and years later the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river having a drink with his giraffe buddy when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" The giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason." The elephant replied.
"Wow! You must have a good memory!" Exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" Said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall".

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12 year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3 year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3 year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12 year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6 year-old scotch.

The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6 year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12 year-old scotch.

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12 year-old scotch.

The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "what do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS," to which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."

The man surveyed the hotel bar patrons, picked out the most attractive woman in the place and took a seat beside her. He reached into his pocket, took out a small white box, set it on the bar and removed a frog. "How cute," the woman said. "Is that a pet?"
The man smiled. "Yes, and he does some tricks, too."
"What kind?'
"He eats pussy. Come upstairs and I'll prove it to you," he said.
Once in his room, she stripped off her clothes and lay on the bed. The man placed the frog between her legs. The frog didn't move. After several moments, the woman looked at the immobile frog and finally said, "Well?"
The man shook his head, picked up the frog and said, "OK, bozo, I'm only going to show you this one more time."

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman.

Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her.

He buys her a drink and then another and then another.

After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time".

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"

"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!"

An Australian, and Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. A man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge, "hey! hey you! are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guiness from me" The bartender pours Jesus a Guiness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks. The Englishman then calls out, "er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says 'Yes, I am Jesus". The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of stout for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guiness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement "oh God! the arthritis is gone! the arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle!!!"

Jesus then shakes the Englishman's hand, thanking him for the stout. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock "By jove, the migraine! the migraine I've for 40 years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!" Jesus then goes to approach the Australian who says "Back off mate! I'm on Worker's Comp." !!

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".