KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....

St Peter gets fed up with standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to Heaven. Jesus offers to take over. A man comes up to him.
"I'm looking for my son." he says
"And who are you" says Jesus
"I suppose I'm the closest this he has to a Father." says the man
"What do you do?" asks Jesus curiously
"I suppose you could say I'm a carpenter" says the man
"And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly.
"He does!" shouts the man
"DADDY!" shouts Jesus
"PINNOCHIO!" shouts Guisseppe

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

To which the boy replied,

"What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"

An Indian from a nearby reservation goes to a Whore house and knocks on the door. When the Madam answers he says, "Me want woman!" The Madam looks at him kind of funny and says, "You want a woman huh?" He replies, "Yes. Me want woman. Me got money." "But do you have experience?" the Madam answers. "Experience?," asked the Indian. "Have you done this before?" "No, but me want woman. Me got money." The madam laughs and says

"I'll tell you what honey, you go out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in those trees and when you know what you're doing you come back and see me."

So the Indian goes out into the forest and finds a knothole to get experience with. The next week he goes back to the whorehouse and knocks on the door. When the Madam comes to the door he says, "Me want woman. Me got experience." So the Madam sends him upstairs with one of her girls.

When they get upstairs the Indian tells her to take off her clothes and bend over. When she does he takes out a 2x4 and smacks her on the but. "What the heck did you do that for!" she exclaimed.

"Checking for bees."

The little boy was 8 yrs old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc). After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school. After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse. He went to see her but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was. She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him. The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made. After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants. She said "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that." He replied, "Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunchtime she would come pick me up then."

A Chicago salesman on a business trip to Boston had a few hours to kill before catching a plane home. Remembering an old friend's advice to try some broiled scrod,... a favorite fish in Boston, he hopped into a cab and asked the driver, "Say, do you know where I could get scrod around here?"

The driver replied, "Pal, I've heard that question a thousand times, but this is the first time in the passive pluperfect subjunctive."

Dracula was killed one day & up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God.

God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing.

"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, BUT not in a human form. You can only be re incarnated into any other living things of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"

Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD, heh..heh..heh."

"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT.

So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish.

"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again."

BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"

Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO.

So back to earth again he went, flying around & sucking blood until one day, SPLAT! he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid.

"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT, this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a NON-LIVING THING of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.

Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!! heh...heh...heh"

"No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD.

Dracula became a MAXI PAD.

A ventriloquist cowboy walks onto a ranch...

Cowboy to Rancher:

Cowboy: Is that your dog?
Rancher: Yup.
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to him?
Rancher: Durn fool, don't you know dogs don't talk.
Cowboy: So what's the harm? May I?
Rancher: Go right ahead.

Cowboy to dog:

Dog; Howdy.
Dog: Hello. (Rancher's eyes pop out)
Cowboy: Is this your master? (pointing to the rancher)
Dog: Yep, sure is.
Cowboy: Does he treat you alright?
Dog: Sure does, every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play.

Rancher is standing there dumbfounded.

Cowboy to Rancher:

Rancher: Is that your horse over there?
Rancher: Yes.
Cowboy: Mind if I speak to him?
Rancher: I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk.
Cowboy: Well then what would it hurt?
Rancher: Go right ahead.

Cowboy to horse:
Horse: Hello.
Horse: Hello.

Rancher can't believe it.
He stands there with his jaw wide open.

Cowboy: Is that your owner?
Horse: Yup, sure is.
Cowboy: He treat you OK?
Horse: Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements.
Cowboy: Sounds good. (turns to the rancher) are those your sheep out here?

Rancher is beside himself:

Rancher: Th-Th-Th-Them sheep out there, they're nuttin but a bunch of liars!!

Top Ten Signs You're Suffering From Burnout:

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.

2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

There were identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married and Joe was single, but owned a small, delapidated boat.

It happened that the same day John's wife died, Joe's boat sank. A kind old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for his brother John, said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe said, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of old fish from the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I've ever seen. She had a bad hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger everytime I used her. It got so I couldn't handle her at all."

"When anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place. What finished her though, was four guys from the other side of town came over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her. I rented her to them, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. They still insisted that they would like to give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. Well, the strain was too much for her and she cracked right down the middle."

The old lady fainted.