| 2611. Sunday morning
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years." 2612. Two bums So two bums were living down by the tracks. One of them says to the other "oh gosh, I really love living here. You can always find such great stuff. Bottles, cans, and half eaten food. Gosh, its great." The other guy says "oh yes, I love finding stuff too. I found a woman tied to the tracks the other day. I untied her and took her to a little shack I know of. And I had the best sex of my entire life for three days. It was really great!!!!!" The other bum says "oh wow, did you get some head?" The other guy says "oh no, I couldnt find her head." 2613. Heaven God tells Saint Peter one day, that every person that goes into Heaven from now on must have had a real bad day the day he died. So Saint Peter goes along with it without hesitation. (You just dont argue with God you see).
One day, three men were waiting to be allowed through the golden gates
of Heaven. Saint Peter walks up to the first one and asks "So how was
your day?" Saint Peter looked at the man and said "I should say you had a bad day. You may enter the gates of Heaven" And the man did. Next, Saint Peter came up to the second man and asked "So how was your day?" The man replied "Not to good. I'm a very healthy person and I like to exercise frequently out on the balcony of my apartment. Unfortunatly today I slipped and fell off. Luckily I managed to catch on to the balcony of the apartment below me with my finger tips. As I struggled to climb up, the owner of the apartment came out and just started smashing at my fingers until I let go and fell twenty stories. Once again good luck was with me because a bush broke my fall, but that man obviously wasn't through with me because the next thing I knew he had just shoved his refrigerator right on top of me. I died instantly and ended up here." Saint Peter looked at the man and said "Boy you REALLY had a bad day. You certainly deserve to enter Heaven." The gates opened and the second man walked in. Then Saint Peter came to the third and last man and asked. "So how was your day?" The Man replied, "Picture this. I'm sitting stark naked in a refrigerator..." 2614. The black board One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!" 2615. Dinner party A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!" 2616. Broke down An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback" 2617. THE CAT AND THE MILKMAN
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying
on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her
Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he
could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy". 2618. HOW TO COOK A THANKSGIVING TURKEY
Step 1: Go buy a turkey 2619. ARKANSAS THANKSGIVING Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? Because they're turkey's in the White House! 2620. Cooking
A housewife is at home cooking for her three sons and her husband who
have gone hunting. Just before she is done cooking, they all return. In her
haste to finish cooking the meal, she does not pay attention to what all
these very hungry men are doing. They begin taking off their shoes on the
floor, throwing their coats on the furniture, just making a big mess. One of
them even puts a box of BB's on the shelf over the stove. Well, the women
does not see this and knocks the box of BB's into the pot of pea soup. She
just figures that no one will notice and serves the soup anyway. Well, no
one notices and they all go upstairs to do their homework. |