KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show him, honey."

A guy wins the lottery and runs home.

Upon entering the door he yells to his girlfriend,

"Pack your bags *NOW* baby, I just won the lottery!!!"

She responds, "Great, should I pack for the beach or mountains?"

He tells her, "I don't give a shit, just get the hell out!!!"

A passenger plane on a cross country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.  The passengers are screaming.  All are sure the plane will crash and they will die.  At the height of the storm a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore!  I can't just sit here and die like an animal strapped into a chair.  If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman!  Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back and a muscular man starts to walk to her seat.  As he approaches her he takes off his shirt.  She can see the man's muscles ripple even in the poor lighting of the plane.  He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die.  Are you interested?"  She nods, wordless.  The man then hands her his shirt and says, "Here.  Iron this."

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test:  The Celibacy Test.  The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling*

"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control.  Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."  The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils.  As the last veil drops:

*Ting-a-ling*

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor.  "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires.  Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate.  Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.

"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest". Now, go and join your weaker brethen in the shower".

*Ting-a-ling*

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.  Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed towin the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow.  I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going  to sleep at all tonight.  I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.  "Where are you going?" Jane asked.  "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." He replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return.  After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.  "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.   "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' "

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.  "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth.  Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.  The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous daysí events, faced Jane and asked the big question.   "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?  You have 10 seconds."   "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.   "Very good. ě Six seconds."  "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good!  Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," Said the game show host," CONGRATULATIONS!!"

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.  After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered a solution:

"The good news is that I can cure your headaches.  The bad news is that  it will require castration.  You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.  The pressure creates one hell of a headache.  The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit."  He entered the shop and told the salesman,  "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"  "It's my job.", the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit.  It fit perfectly.  As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"  Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right,  how did you know?"  "It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.  As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"  Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a  half ... wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"  "It's my job."

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"  Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."  The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,"Let's see ...size 36."  Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.  It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "
'What is a 'caress'?  So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.  The obit. editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.  She pauses, reflects and then says,"Well then, let it read *Fred Brown died.*"

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries.  Only a little flustered, she thinks thing over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, *Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale.*"

A man is walking around New York with his wife.  They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.  A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"

"For how much?" asks the man.

"One hundred dollars."

"I'll give you five bucks."

The girl spits at him and walks away.  A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk.  On the first corner they come to there is the same hooker.  She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "You see?  You see what you get for five bucks?"

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.  Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong!  Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her.  She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde.  In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her.  He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy!  It's M!"