KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

This guy was sitting at the end of the bar looking gloomy.
His friend arrives and sits down beside him.
"Why so glum, chum?" he asks his sad friend.
"Oh its my wifie, she beats me at everything we compete at.
Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards.....everything."
The friend orders a beer and pauses to think.
"I know," he exclaims, "Challenge her to a pissing contest."
"A pissing contest!"  he exclaims.
"Surely you can out distance her on that....do it on the front lawn so you can see the difference."
"Ok, I'll do it."

So home he goes and says to the wife, "I challenge you to a distance pissing contest. We'll meet on the front lawn after dark".

So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage prior to the contest. 

After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first.  So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower. Next hubby steps up, drops his drawers, grabs his meat when the wife says, "Ah! Dear, No Hands!"

A girl walks into a bar....she sees a guy with a frog sittin' next to him....she sits next to the guy and they begin a casual conversation....

Finally she can't take the suspense and asks the guy about the frog....He says this frog is a special frog. It eats pussy better than anyone can......

Aghast, she says "no fucking way".....He says sure does and offers her a free "frog-job"...........

.they go to her room....she strips down, lays on the bed with her legs apart......guy sets frog between them.....frog sits there.....sits there for 20 minutes.....

She yells...."Well?, whats wrong with yer goddamn frog??!!"

He grabs the frog, looks it right in the eyes and says: "OK frog.....this is the last time I'm gonna show you how to do this'.................................

One afternoon at the local bar, six buddies are sitting around bragging about who has the largest penis; each one telling a more unbelievable tale. The bartender, having heard enough, challenges them to put their money where their mouth is. Each man gives the bartender $20 to hold. The one with the largest penis gets the money, and all this bragging can stop.

So, each man unzips his trousers and places his penis on the edge of the bar for inspection. At just that moment, a gay man walks into the bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a Shirley temple", adding after a quick scan of the men at the bar, "Oh, and the smorgasbord".

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me"?
After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, " Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby- to- be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.
The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "what the *@#% was that? The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".
The husband cries out "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!"

A man who worked for the Fire Department , came home from work one day and told his wife, " We really have a wonderful system at the fire department.  `Bell 1' we all put on our coats. `Bell 2' rings and we all slide down the pole.  `Bell 3' rings and we are on the truck ready to go.  From now on we are going to run this house the same way.  When I say `Bell 1' you strip naked. ` Bell 2' you jump into bed.  `Bell 3' we are going to make love all night."

The next night when he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1", she took off her clothes.  "Bell 2", she jumped into bed.  "Bell 3" they began to make love.  After two minutes she yelled "BELL 4" .  He said, " What the hell is `Bell 4'?  "MORE HOSE" she responded,"YOU AIN"T ANYWHERE NEAR THE FIRE"

      Everybody who has a dog calls him 'Rover" or "Boy", so to be different I named mine "SEX".  Now I went to City Hall to renew his dog  license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.  He said, "I'd LIKE to have one too".Then I said "But this is a dog".  He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "you don't understand.   I've had Sex since I was 9 years old".   He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.  He said every room in the house was for sex.  I said, "You don't understand.   Sex keeps me awake at night".  The clerk said "Me Too".

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there

looking around, and I told him I had planned to have sex in the contest.  He told me I should have sold tickets of my own.  I said, "But you don't understand";I had hoped to have had Sex on TV."   He called me a weirdo.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.  I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The Judge said, "Me Too".  Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.  He said "Me Too".

Last night, Sex ran off again, I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning? My case comes up on Friday.

This young newlywed couple both came from VERY religious families and even words relating to sex were beyond them.  So, they had invented code words to communicate about sex.  For instance, for the "F" word, they would say "Wash".

One night after retiring to bed, hubby asks his little wife - "Hey honey, do you want to do the 'wash'?  She replies - "not tonight dear, I have a headache." and rolls over to sleep. 

About an hour later, she wakes up and the headache is gone.  She nudges hubby and says - "Honey, do you still feel like doing the 'wash'?"  He replies - "naw, that's alright, it was such a small load, I did it by hand."

There was a priest who went to pay a visit to the home of a 92-year-old church member. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful old organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it.   

After tea, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. She explained, "While in town, I found a package on the sidewalk and took it home.  The directions on the back said 'Keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease' and you know, I think it works; I haven't had a cold all winter..."

A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.  While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.  As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.  Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.  After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He precedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open.  She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"  The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded!  Why my ears?  Looks at these boobs!  They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine!  My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag, and has no cellulite!  Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars!  Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, he stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "may I borrow a highlighter?"

2.  Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

3.  Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.

4.  Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

5.  Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor.  Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

6.  Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."

7.  Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.