KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Back in the summmer 1980, some friends and I toured the USS John Hancock, a guided missle destroyer as I recall, when it was anchored in the Chesapeake Bay off of Annapolis. While we were in the forward torpedo room, the sailor conducting that part of the tour talked about the time the Hancock had played a cat-and-mouse game with a submarine on which then-President Carter was aboard. The sailor said that President Carter was a bubble-head, and when the laughter in the crowd died down, explained that destroyer people referred to submariners as bubble-heads. President Carter had been a submariner in the Navy.

A few months later, my friend, Joe Closs, who was on Adm. Rickover's staff at the time, came to visit. I told him about the bubble-head remark and asked him what submariners called destroyer people. He replied, "Well, I always thought that a bubble-head was a hard-hat diver, but, be that as it may, in the submarine service we refer to all surface ships as -- targets."

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You are in a desert. You have with you the following five animals:

A lion, a cow, a horse, a sheep, and a monkey.

To escape the desert you are going to have to get rid of one of your animals.

Which one do you drop? (You can use whatever logic you like BUT keep track of which animal is discarded when!)

You have 4 animals left.

The desert is burning up! It goes on for miles. Sand is everywhere.

You realize, to get out, you are going to have drop another animal.

Which do you drop?

You have 3 animals left.

Walk, walk, walk.

Hot, hot, hot.

Disaster! The Oasis that you were looking for is dried up! You have no choice but to drop another animal.

You have 2 animals left.

Ok, it's a long hot walk. You can see the edge of the desert way on the horizon.

Unfortunately, you can only leave the desert with ONE animal. Which one do you drop and which one do you keep?

Before looking at the answers, make sure you know which animal you dropped in what order.

These answers are based on Japanese Archetypes.

The desert represents a hardship.

The animals represent . . .

Lion = Pride

Monkey = Your Children

Sheep = friendship

Cow = Basic Needs

Horse = Your Passion.

So, in the face of hardship, you will sacrifice each of these things in turn. Your last animal represents that thing which you cling to at the expense of all others.--

Find this interesting??

A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:

Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"

Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."

Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number."

Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that."

Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.

Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"

Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 101 a few miles ago."

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game. His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, Bang!'' Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was alright. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''

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8-year-old Daniel heard his grandmother tell his mother that a football was needed for the family dinner Sunday night. Daniel couldn't imagine why, but if he could help grandma prepare the meal, he would. But he didn't have a football, so he went over to Greg's house and traded 50 baseball cards for an old deflated football. He pumped it up, shined it and placed it on the kitchen table waiting for grandma to discover it. ''Daniel!'' his mother exclaimed, ''You know Grandma is cooking tonight. Please put your things where they belong!'' Daniel was holding back the tears, ''But it's for Grandma! She said she needed a football for dinner.'' Mother did her best to hold back the laughter, ''You know Grandma and her Irish accent. She meant a FRUIT BOWL!''

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One Saturday morning a suburban Nashville grandmother remarked to her neighbor that she was going to get her 12-year-old grandson to wash the car when he came over to visit. Not to be outdone, the neighbor lady bragged that her 8-year-old grandson would pick up tree limbs that were scattered around the yard. You guessed it. An hour later one grandma was washing a car while the other was picking up branches.

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The Bennett family had just moved into the neighborhood and was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed busy and not interested. One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, ''Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!'' Mother replied, ''Great! And then what happened?'' Matthew said, ''Oh, she gave it to the policeman.''

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Here's another police report: My brother remembers the day when a police car pulled up to grandma's house and grandpa got out. The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park. ''Why, Bill,'' said Grandma, ''You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?'' Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, ''Wasn't exactly lost. I was just to tired to walk home.''

20. Try to sell home-made LSD to caller.

19. "Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?"

18. Proclaim your undying love.

17. Advise the customer to lick the power supply.

16. "So,what are you wearing?"

15. Constantly refer to caller as "Pumpkin".

14. As you look up a part number, whistle loudly in a monotone.

13. "You've got to be kidding."

12. "What you do is get yourself 50p and go and buy a clue."

11. Use baby talk.

10. "I don't get paid enough to deal with jerks like you."

9. Ridicule the inadequacy of the caller's system.

8. "Yo no hablo ingles."

7. Use metaphors based on your experiences with rabid dogs.

6. Laugh maniacally.

5. Twist the callers words to make it seem as if there is no problem.

4. "You're screwed. You're just screwed."

3. Encourage the caller to pound on the CPU casing.

2. Try to set up caller with your second cousin.

1. "How the hell did you get access to a computer?"

...You walk into a room, and finding that it has more then 23 people, you inform the management that there is an error.

...You find yourself tilting your head when you smile.

...Your AOL bill is more than your phone bill.

...When laughing, you find yourself saying "LOL" outloud.

...You get more e-mail than snail mail.

...When introducing yourself to anyone, you use your screen name.

...You understand what BIM, BIF, ISO, M4M, or F4F means.

...You are no longer afraid of a mouse.

...You're awake for a lot of sunrises.

...You are a male and see a female in the "real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.

...You are a female and see a male in the "real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he would IM you.

...You don't understand the humor in the above-mentioned item, since the "real" world is not at your fingertips.

...When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing they would be on AOL so you wouldn't have to meet them in person.

...When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.

...You go up to people you are attracted to and ask for their GIF.

...Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people that are hitting on your cyber-love.

...You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.

...The only way that your child can get your attention is by:

a) Standing in front of your screen

b) IM'ing you

c) telling you that Steve Case is calling you on the phone

...When your spouse is mad at you, they threaten to erase your e-mail, and you humbly, earnestly, and quickly beg for forgiveness.

...When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the letter "i" should be capitalized.

...When going on a job interview and asked if you have any questions about the company, your first response is to ask if they are on AOL.

...When looking at signs, you wonder why they're always yelling at you.

...When leaving to go to the bathroom, you find yourself saying, "BRB."

...When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have none, you ask for an age\sex\location check.

...Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.

...You dream in text.

...Tech support calls YOU for help!

...You watch TV with the sound off and the close-captioning on.

...You double-click your remote.

...You beg your friends to go online so you can "hang out".

...You've gotten on a plane to meet someone face to face

...You've met over a 100 AOLers.

...You have over 100 people on your buddy list.

...You sign on and immediately get ten IMs from people that have you on their buddy lists.

...You meet people face to face, and you don't know their real names.

...You've known people for years, and you don't know their real names.

...You've typed, "Drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone."

...You have a vanity tag with your screenname on it. ...You no longer use capital letter, proper punctuation, or complete sentences.

...You type over 70 WPM.

...You type faster than you think

...Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

...When someone asks, "What did you say?" You respond, "Scroll up!"

...You have an identity crisis when someone uses a screenname similar to yours.

...You change screennames so much that you have to check your profile to figure out who you are.

...You've invited ten or more strangers to your house only because they were cool online.

...You have a second line just for you computer.

...You type messages to people while you're speaking with on the phone at the same time.

...You smile sideways.

...You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone before signing off.

...You bring a bag lunch to your computer.

...You go through AOL withdrawal during dinner.

...You wake up and your first instinct is to go online before having a cup of coffee.

...You use AOL lingo in your "real" life (if you still have one)

...You stop using whole words like BRB, TTYL, dunno, gotta, etc...

...You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of his/her office.

...When you die, you want your computer buried with you -- or vice versa.

...Being called a "Newbie" is a MAJOR insult.

...There's absolutely no interesting chat in any room and you are really bored -- yet you don't want to leave in case you miss something.

...You enjoy being called an AOL addict.

...You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed them yourself.

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.'

"I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breathe and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them. 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

You have 2 choices now:

1. save or delete this mail from your mail box.
2. forward it to anyone you care about.

* Hope you will choose choice 2.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.

I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.