| 2721. Blondes, Brunettes, and Redheads
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed? A: A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied - a redhead let's you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied. Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you... wanna marry?"
Blonde after sex: "Next!" Q: What's the difference between a blonde whore and a redhead whore? A: After the blonde, you put antibiotics on your dick. After the redhead you put antibiotics on the bite marks on your shoulders and scratches on your back. Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead? A: She unties you. ~~~~~ Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde. First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?" Second sailor replies that he has. They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette. FS, " Have you ever slept with a brunette?" SS, "Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions" They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the other two girls for dead. FS, "Have you ever slept with a redhead then?" His companion looks at him and replies "Not a wink!" 2722. My Breakfast Order A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!" 2723. Why Engineers do not cook... Chocolate Chip Cookies Recipe: Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten Directions: To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium. 2724. Top ten things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman: 1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim? 2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself! 3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both. 4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody. 5. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him. 6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day! 7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices! 8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy! 9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once? 10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt as fat! 2725. A Hard Day's Knight In the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, a young, recently promoted Knight, Sir Notalot, joined that august body just as they were about to go out on yet another of their interminable forays after the Holy Grail. He ran, panting, into the court to find King Arthur alone and he said, "Sire, what must I do to join the other knights on their quest?" King Arthur said "Well, first you must get yourself some armour - it is dangerous out there!" So Sir Notalot went off to the chief armourer and said "I need armour to go in search of the Holy Grail - what can you offer me?" The Armourer said "Well, I can do you the bespoke stainless steel all-over protect-all with expanding cod-piece for 100 livres, the same model in galvanised iron for 80 livres or the fully rusting chain mail for 60 livres" Poor Sir Notalot could not afford any of these options, so he said "What can you do for 20 livres?" The armourer said "If you care to go round the back of the Frog and Bucket ... " (at least that's what I think he said) "... you will find a large pile of discarded pewter ale tankards. Collect as many as you can and bring them back here and I shall fashion them into armour for you" So, Sir Notalot went to the inn and collected all the pewter mugs he could carry and took them back to the armourer. This good man then proceeded to batter the tankards flat and hang them on strings around Sir Notalot's neck until his whole body was covered. The only problem was that Sir Notalot *clanked* at every step. Sir Notalot walked back to the court - clankity, clankity all the way. He walked into King Arthur's presence to show off his new armour and the King said "This is all very well, but you need a fine charger to ride with the other knights when they leave tomorrow" SIr Notalot then went to the farrier to see what he could offer. The farrier said "Well, I have this fine white charger at 100 livres or this slightly smaller dappled mare at 80 livres or...." Sir Notalot said "OK, cut the crap, what have you got for 20 livres? That is all I have and I must leave with the other knights tomorrow" The farrier thought for a moment and said "I do have this magnificent(?) Saint Bernard dog which has recently been reprocessed since the owner couldn't keep up with the brandy consumption - will that do?" Sir Notalot paid over the money, jumped onto the dog's back and galloped back to the King - dragging his feet in the dust as he went, with his armour clanking along - draggity, clank, draggity, clank. He reached the King, who said "Just in time, the others have gone that way" (Pointing to the East) So, Sir Notalot charged out on his St Bernard, clanking and dragging his feet (clankity drag, clankity drag). at that point it started to rain and the water ran inside the hammered pewter pots and down Sir Notalot's legs, soaking the St Bernard as well. And then the rain was so heavy that the road (Just a mud track, really) started to flood and the clankity-drag noise became more of a sort of a clankity-sploosh noise. And then the thunder and lighting started. Eventually, Sir Notalot reached the inn where the other knights had stopped for a rest. He rode up to the door and said to the inn-keeper "Hail, inn-keeper" (since it was hailing by now) "have you a room?" And the inn-keeper said "No chance - I am full with these round-tablers" In despair, Sir Notalot said "But surely you have somewhere I can shelter from the storm?" and pointing to his St Bernard he said.... . "You wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?" 2726. USEFUL LAW DEGREE True Story - I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang,and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires. I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a problem?" I ask. "Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?" "I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?" "You were speeding. I watched you." "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator) "I heard you." "So, you measured my speed by ear?" (Ed. note: The Doppler Effect could be applicable here) "I can hear." "How fast did you HEAR me going?" "Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down." THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision. "Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks. She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn. "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement." Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?" The cop says, "No, I am not." I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense." "What?" The cop looks confused. "Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is anindictable offense." The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this." "But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street." The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me. Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it. 2727. Jolly Olde England Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW. Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS. Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL. Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF. Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT 2728. Pope and Queen Elizabeth The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts her. 2729. Resume mistakes How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples: *"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." *"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting." *"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." * "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." * "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." * "I am a rabid typist." *"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side." * "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." * "Proven ability to track down and correct erors." * "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." *"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one." *"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." *"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer." * "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." * "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." * "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant." * "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil." * "Qualifications: No education or experience." * "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." * "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department." * "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!" * Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty! 2730. Irritation, aggravation, and frustration A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?" "No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up. "That's irritation," says Dad. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time. "No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation. "That's aggravation." "Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials a third time: "Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" |