KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and _talk_ to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, than he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."

16. She thinks Jack London is a character on General Hospital.

15. Has legally changed her name to "Slutty Spice."

14. Won't stop talking about the time he bit Holyfield's ear.

13. Wants to buy the novel of the Mr. Bean movie.

12. The two of you constantly argue about which "Homer" came first.

11. Giggles uncontrollably whenever you bring up "Moby Dick."

10. Thinks "Elements of Style" was written by Elsa Klensch.

9. The last time he completed a sentence, he was at Attica.

8. "You gots no condom, you gets no party", was your last clue.

7. "Of *course* I've read Walden. And it only took me 10 minutes to find him!"

6. Ask her to conjugate a verb and she starts talking and belching at the same time.

5. Doesn't have a lot of free weekends due to busy schedule as NASCAR commentator.

4. Thinks "Beowolf" is a show starring David Hasselhoff.

3. Her favorite poem deals with a man from Nantucket.

2. When you ask him if he has any Grey Poupon, he says, "Hey, don't be gross!"

and the Number 1 Sign Your Date's Not an English Major...

1. You: "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?" Her: "Dude! That would be, like, totally bitchin'!"

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

A few years back I was wandering through one of those "themed" tourist towns full of gift shops and craft stores. I noticed a basket full of brown lumps. The sign above them explained matters, and so, without further ado (and with only one obvious spelling correction) I give you the story of one of the more bizarre products I have ever encountered, the:

PooPets (TM)

Handcrafted by Amish Mennonites in Lancaster County, PA out of 100% cow manure, Nature's finest fertilizer. All of our friendly, functional fecal figurines will last for years, and constantly releases fertilizer at a controlled rate that will not burn plants. With seeds for eyes, they are completely organic, biodegradable and safe. These small art works are the easiest way to effortlessly fertilize, take care of and nurture your plucky plants for years while adding the beauty of hand-crafted ar[t]works to the setting of your flower pots.

Yes they are a real product.

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."

"Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn-out so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore."

"Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' So, here we are!"

PERSONAL STATISTICS

name: cybercyndy@cybernut.net

address: http://www.alwayspluggedin.com

phone number: 613.432.3415

domain: login cabin at Homesite, Geocities in the Netherlands

language: html, binhex, javascript, cyne language

birth: Juno, 1969 in Arpanet

death: January 1, 2000

FAMILY

married: don't remember; once was cyngle still searching for my mirror site can't find any embodied persons with whom I click

children: archie@cybernut.net, veronica@cybernut.net mother, Tilde, Ms.Dos, died in 1995, now in the Netherworld

father: My I.S.P. is cybernut.net; he was Pop3

siblings: 731 cybersiblings, gender unknown

pets: Browser, a cyberdog; a moo-cow named Pegasus; Arpa, a gopher

BODY AND APPEARANCE

sex: cybernecking

operating system: baud, mousey, but often a hot bot

height: 480 width: 640 stature: compaq

unusual features: webbed feet

number of feed: dos

health problems: recovering from a virus; prone to a hacking cough; frequently cyck; terminal diagnosis;

vision: eyecyte 600/800 pixels

clothing: always wears a zipped macintosh; known also to to wear shareware, softwear, hardwear doctor: Dr. HTML

EDUCATION AND OCCUPATION

education: got my scroll at Virtual University

major: ergonomics

grade average: c++

occupation: uniform resource locator; net work

previous occupations: school monitor

publications: ask my agent

POSSESSIONS AND INCOME net worth: 5.2 gigabytes

income: POP3

means of transportation: cable modem

vehicle: explorer

license plate http www

PERSONAL PREFERENCES favorite color: Eudora green

hobbies: lurking, surfing, browsing, chatting, flaming, filing, trashing, downloading, uploading, reloading

favorite activity: searching

favorite place: iquest.net

favorite music: opera, Iomega jaz

creative talents: mime

reading: OpenText; cybrary books

favorite tv show: Dragnet

travel: by webcamera; to Java, various ports and netscapes, and alta vistas

sports: metacrawling; surfing; playing cache

relaxation: MUD baths;

favorite restaurant: Hard Drive Cafe

eating habits: downloading applets, cookies, bytes of spam

affiliations: Mouseketeers

memberships: 371 mailing lists

Friday night activities: hanging out at the toolbar

what you want for Christmas: an optimized gif

PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE

diagnosis: hyper; easily nettled; fuzzy logic attention span: c-span, 3 seconds

speed: 450mhz; known to drag when network is slow

favorite sayings: ICQ Yahoo!

I think Icon I think Icon No Wais least favorite saying: faq you traumatic experiences: when there was no mail in my inbox; when I was framed happiest experiences: double clicking; pressing the escape key; linking urls gender orientation: attracted to hotmail connections, prefer men inclined to drag sense of humor: baudy earliest memory: ibm strengths: a committed server flaws: lacks resolution; lets go of the control key prematurely; shift too easily; too quick to press the send button; takes too much download time criminal record: once arrested for palette flashing

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.

She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

What do have when you're holding two little green balls in your hand?

Kermit the Frog's undivided attention

A-void negative sources, people, things and habits.

B-elieve in yourself.

C-onsider things from every angle.

D-on't give up and don't give in.

E-njoy life today: yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.

F-amily and Friends are hidden treasures. Seek them and enjoy their riches.

G-ive more than you planned to give.

H-ang on to your dreams.

I-gnore those who try to discourage you.

J-ust do it!

K-eep on trying, no matter how hard it seems. It will get better.

L-ove yourself first and foremost.

M-ake it happen.

N-ever lie, cheat, or steal. Always strike a fair deal.

O-pen your eyes and see things as they really are.

P-ractice makes perfect.

Q-uitters never win and winners never quit.

R-ead, study and learn about everything important in your life.

S-top procrastinating.

T-ake control of your own destiny.

U-nderstand yourself in order to better understand others.

V-isualize it.

W-ant it more than anything.

X-ccelerate your efforts.

Y-ou are unique of all of Nature's creations. Nothing can replace you.

Z-ero in on your target, and go for it!!