KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A traveling salesman, in the middle of his 2 week stint on the road, walks into a WhoreHouse. The salesman whips out $300.00 and hands it to the Madam of the house. "Give me the WORST lay you have here." he says. The Madam, looking confused, says "But sir, for this kind of money, you can have one of my very BEST girls." The salesman, not to be discouraged, says, "Please, I just want the WORST piece of ass in the house." The Madam, now getting a bit upset replies "Sir, for $300.00, you could get the best lay of your life." Sheepishly the salesman says, "I don' want the best lay of my life, I'm not horny, I'm HOMESICK!"

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)

8. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9. This is your Captain speaking....these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the inflight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh crap...

12. Don't worry that one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

14. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...

15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

* Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California ...... WAS HIS

* Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills..... Making the last car payment.

* The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

* If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.

* Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

* If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me that if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 years?" he said. "Yes" she responded, "so what?" "I would have gotten out of prison today!" he sobbed.

-In 1917 a new recruit was walking down the Company street, and coming toward him was another 'soldier', so he said, "Hey, bub. Do you have a match?" To which the other 'soldier' lit the recruit's cigarette, The recruit said, "Thanks, bub." As the recruit passed the next building, an arm with 3 stripes reached out, and pulled him behind the building. The 3 striper said, "Do you know who that was that you just said 'bub, can you give a light?' The recruit said he didn't, to which the 3 striper said, "THAT WAS GENERAL PERSHING!!!!!" The recruit hurried back down the street, and pulled up in front of the General, saluted as best he could, and said, "General I am sorry about the way I asked you for a match, and didn't salute, but I have only been in the Army for three days."

The General said, "That is alright, son, but for God's sake, NEVER DO THAT TO A 2ND LT.!!!!!"

As told by R. R. Regnier, Lt. Col. USAF (ret)

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"

As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"

At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"

At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to ***READ*** it to 'em?"

A moron takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar.

"Whose dog is tied up out front?"

The moron responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"

"Well she's in heat," says the cop."

"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."

"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."

"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."

At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed.

"Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

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Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech: "Yes, you said that."

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A Kentucky Judge once had a case in which the defendant was accused of kicking another citizen in the stomach. The defense argued that there was no real evil intent. When the defendant took the stand, the prosecutor shouted at him, "How in the world can you possible say that you delivered this terrific kick in the stomach without intending to ?" "Well..." the defendant replied, "He just turned around too damn quick, that's all."

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Are you really American if your ethnicity has to be hyphenated?

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How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, the sockets go with the house.

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.