KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

1. You're upset because an obituary fails to mention the deceased's new E-Mail address.

2. You try to order a movie from Blockbuster video by downloading it at 28,800 BPS.

3. You try to download chips and beer for the movie.

4. All the household pets mimic the soundblaster card for attention.

5. You hide the phone or ISP bill from the spouse because you may have to sell the family car to pay it.

6. You start naming the children, Prompt, Enter, Retry, & Abort to Continue.

7. The kids respond to Archie, Veronica, & Jughead only and you call your pet dog Gopher.

8. The pizza in the fridge asks to be moved further from what used to be the meatloaf.

9. You try to pay the paperboy via electronic transfer.

10. You've been surfing all day, have no tan, and the only water you've come in contact with is in the glass next to you.

11. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

12. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.

13. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.

14. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

15. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

16. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

17. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.

18. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.

19. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real" world is at your fingertips.

20. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

21. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.

22. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than

23 people, you inform management that there is an error.

23. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.

24. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for their GIF.

25. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.

26. You know what a "snert" is.

27. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".

28. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.

29. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.

30. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing they'd be on AOL so you don't have to meet them in person.

31. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

32. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

33. You have met over 100 AOLers.

34. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.

35. You understand the humor in all of this.

36. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.

37. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you, and think they can.

38. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

39. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL".

40. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).

41. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

42. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say good-bye to everyone in a room.

43. You stop speaking in full sentences.

44. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.

45. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.

46. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.

47. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.

48. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

49. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and you think , "Uh oh, cyber sex perv."

50. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

51. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

52. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this one...If so, you've been hanging out in *strange* places).

53. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.

54. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

55. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.

56. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.

57. You don't know where the time has gone.

58. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.

59. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.

60. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.

61. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

62. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.

63. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

64. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".

65. You type faster than you think.

66. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

67. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

68. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

69. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

70. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

71. You dream in "text".

72. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

73. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored.

74. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

75. You double click your TV remote.

76. You can now type over 70 wpm.

77. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

370.01 Any person with a valid in state Rodent or Snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse.

If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2 ; Two-faced tortfeasors, 1; Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act)

ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

A penguin can swim a lot faster than a salmon.

The "cycle" in "bicycle" and "tricycle" rhymes with "pickle," but the "cycle" in "motorcycle" and "unicycle" rhymes with "Michael." Explain that.

Small men love big women. So proclaimed the German philosopher Schopenhauer. He convinced generations. Modern surveys prove him wrong. But the notion persists. When a small man teams up with a big woman, it's the exception, but you do take notice. Schopenhauer also averred a man with a short nose prefers a woman with a long nose. He didn't get any closer to the truth with that one.

Men walk from the knee. Women walk from the hip.

A second century Roman writer named Apuleis was hauled into court for wooing a rich widow by feeding her lobsters, oysters and cuttlefish. These, it was believed by his prosecutors, were sexual stimulants. They didn't have a lewd and lascivious conduct charge for this sort of thing. It was supposed to excite the widow. They called that sorcery.

Sprinkle salt on a garden slug and it will dissolve. Not the salt. The slug.

One day while Bill Clinton was doing his morning jogging he noticed a little boy standing outside the white house gates. As curiosity got him, Bill jogged over to the gates to see what the little boy was doing.

As he approached the gates Bill was taken by suprise when he noticed a sign that said, "Democratic Puppies for Sale". Bill approached the boy and says, "What's up son?". To which the little boy replied, " I am selling Democratic Puppies, Would you like to buy one Mr. President?".

"No Thanks", Said the President, "but good luck". He then continued on his morning jog.

Thinking about how cute the puppies had been, Bill went to Hillary and told her about the Demoratic Puppies. THey bouth laughed about how cute, "Democratic Puppies". So they decided the next morning to go down to the gate to see about purchasing one of the Puppies. Bill and Hillary were glad to see that the little boy with the puppies was still there.

But to their suprise, when they appoached the boy, they saw the sign but this time it stated "Republican Puppies for sale"

Bill inquired about the sign stating, "Young man, yesterday when I was here you had a sign up stating that there were Democtratic Puppies for sale. Now today it says Republican Puppies for sale. What's the deal?"

To which the little boy replied, "Yes sir Mr. President, But today they all have their eyes open."

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

TIMETRAVELLER 1.02 JUST RELEASED!

Microsoft has just released it's update to TimeTraveller 1.0?, the popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time machines.

The first version of TimeTraveller?, Microsoft now concedes, was not without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the support line with calls. "My son was trying to go back a week earlier to do his history final a second time," one unhappy father from Johannesburg reportedly complained, "and he ended smack dab in the middle of the Boer War. What key do I push do get him back?" A caller from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a few hours in the past. "Me an' the missus can't agree on tea-time anymore," he grumbled, "an' she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives. "

TimeTraveller?1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first release. The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to distant eras have been promised complementary copies of Widows '95.

But in addition to angry consumers, Microsoft has also received criticism from politicians and pundits for the effect of TimeTraveller? on history books. At Senate hearings on Microsoft's domination of the timetravel market, a photograph was produced showing a beer hall putsch in 1930s Munich, with what appears to be a grinning Bill Gates at the foot of Hitler. A Microsoft representative countered that employees and executives of the Seattle-based firm are free to time-travel like anyone else with the software. "To suggest this is some nefarious world-controlling thing on Bill's part is crazy," the Micromouthpiece testified. "Besides, he couldn't work with Goebbels."

In response to criticism, Microsoft has issued some tips with TimeTraveller 1.02. Here they are, from the release notes:

* CHECK THE TIME. When installing TimeTraveller, make sure your computer clock is correctly set. Failure to do this will result in your immediately ending up a few seconds or minutes in the past or future, in a state of perpetual confusion like Jim from Taxi.

* WATCH YOUR MOUTH. Timetraveller uses Billzebubr, an occult algorithm developed in a Microsoft-IBM-Satan partnership. Do not grumble, cuss, or otherwise invoke the powers and principalities when installing Timetravleler. You'll be smoked like a gnat on a bugzapper if you do.

* MEMORIZE YOUR PASSWORD. When working with large intervals of time, remember that there may not be much of an information age at your destination. It's important to memorize the PowerWord, your registered incantation that will speed you back to the present. You don't want to end up running around a tar pit, hopelessly yelling your mother's maiden name with a velociraptor in hot pursuit.

* DO NOT PESTER THE BABY JESUS. A popular destination for many Time travellers is Bethlehem, and it is not appropriate to make a scene around the manger. We suggest you pay some token amount in Roman currency to the innkeeper, and dress appropriately. There are some alarming passages showing up in the Bible regarding "the strange visitors from beyond Galilee, their heads anointed with visors, and possessed of much loudness and stretchpants."

* BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CAMCORDERS. Remember that these devices may look like weapons to people of the past, and a gentle request to 'say cheese' may result in a broadsword to the head.

* CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Archaeologists will resent digging up the can of Pepsi you brought back in time. Particularly if the can became the religious centerpiece of a newly unearthed Mayan temple.

* DO NOT USE TIMETRAVELLER? TO CHANGE HISTORY, even if it's just to travel back with a witty rejoinder for someone's cutting remark a few days before. Do not use TimeTraveller? to cheatdeath, taxes, or Bill. Attempts to do any of the above will result in the termination of the TimeTraveller? licence agreement. And Microsoft will tell Satan to give you a hotfoot. So there.

A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale." Signs like that have a way of attracting small children and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign. "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked. The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50." The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?" The store smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur. One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?" The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame. The little boy became excited. "That is the little puppy that I want to buy." The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you." The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for." The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies." To this, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!"

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!