| 2761. God?
A confused 9-year-old goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?" 2762. Elevator Laws There are un-written rules that everyone who rides elevators follow whether they know it or not. It's not something that anyone has placed into effect by law...It's just the way things are.... 1. When you are waiting for an elevator and there are two sets, the one that is the greatest distance from you will open first. 2. While you are riding the elevator, it is not permissible to look anyone in the eyes. The proper place to stare is at the floor or at the numbers. 3. The person at the very back of the elevator will always be the one who needs off first. 4. If you are on the top floor of a 32 story building and needed to go the 1st floor, the elevator will stop 31 times before you reach the ground. 5. If you get off on the wrong floor and realize it the instant your foot hits the ground outside the elevator, it's much too embarrassing to admit you are wrong, so you stay outside the door and act like you know what you're doing then catch the next one and hope all the people you were with have gotten off. 6. When there are six elevator doors, the one you stand in front of will be the last to open. 7. When the elevator is the most full, one of two people will be on with you: an extremely sick man who coughs constantly and then gets off on the same floor you do, or a lady with a baby that screams through the entire ride. 8. Don't pass gas in an elevator even if you are all alone because when you do, the very next stop will have ten people waiting to get on. It's always best to wait until the elevator is full then no one knows who to blame. 9. If you speak to a stranger in an elevator there will always be nervous laughter. 10. The friendliest person on the elevator that insists on talking to you will always have bad breath and body odor. 11. Elevators force us to be close to people that we would never choose to be around otherwise. If you want a cultural experience, spend a day riding elevators around town. 12. The first person to get on the elevator gets the command position next to the buttons so that they can feel important when people ask them to punch their floor for them. 13. While waiting on an elevator, there will always be one person to comment on how slow the elevator is and then push the up or down button over and over as if that will make it speed up. 14. Once inside the elevator that same person will repeatedly punch the button for their floor thinking that this also will speed up the elevator. 15. On top of the list of the most annoying elevator pet peves is the parent who will allow their child to push the buttons and then smile at you after the kid has pushed all 26 buttons while you are on the first floor needing to get to the 25th floor. Then at every floor the kid will yell "Is this where we get off?" 16. The floor that is la bled the 1st floor is not really the 1st floor but is in reality the basement. Ther 1st floor is actually la bled the 2nd floor. 17. If you are not in any hurry, there will always be an empty elevator just waiting with the doors open just for you by yourself. 18. In buildings where smoking is allowed, there will always be one person who insist on taking the last drag off their cigarette putting it out then waiting to exhale until the elevator door closes with you trapped inside. 19. If a child rides the elevator, they will have a balloon that just happens to be at your face level and there is no place to turn. Popping the balloon is a strong temptation. 20. I would rather ride the elevator with people than take the stairs alone! 2763. Wisdom From The Walls From a book called, "Wisdom From The Walls" by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget Snyder: Beauty is only a light switch away. Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, MA Amendment 2 and OCA, soon you will be DOA. On a tombstone used as part of a Halloween display, Hamburger Mary's, Seattle, WA If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C. If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice. Smoky Joe's., Philadelphia, PA Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia Beware of limbo dancers. On the bottom of the stall door, Women's Restroom, Broad Ripple Brew Pub, Indianapolis, IN Rome wasn't built in a day. That's because it was a government job. Women's Restroom, City View Tavern, Cincinnati, OH I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. Bailey Howe Library, University of Vermont. Burlington, VT Hey, your karma just ran over my dogma. Blueberry Hill, St. Louis, MO Flush twice - It's a long way to the kitchen. Restroom, Washakie Cafeteria University of Wyoming, Laramie, WY
God made pot. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
To do is to be. Descartes At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ If you can piss this high, join the fire department. On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet, O'Ryan's Irish Pub, Ashland, OR Don't switch dicks in the middle of a screw. Stick with Nixon. Nathan's, Washington, D.C. Chris-Just remember that this dollar is not to be spent until everything between us is over (completely). Please remember I love you!-Tori On dollar bill F602225237. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
God is dead. A word in the mouth is worth two from George Bush. I don't understand. That's okay, Dan. H.L. Mencken's Cultured Pearl Restaurant and Bar, Baltimore, MD If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Revolution Books, New York, NY
This bubble gum tastes like rubber. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C. Just 'cause it's clean don't mean it's fresh. Port O'John, Acadia National Park, ME If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C. Bill Clinton threw up here. The Oyster Bar, Little Rock, AR LSD consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality. Men's restroom, The 400 bar, Minneapolis, MN I used to be into sadistic bestial necrophilia and... but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse. The Cellar Restaurant, Blacksburg, VA If it wasn't intended to be eaten, it wouldn't be shaped like a taco. Nathan's, Washington, D.C.
Why do drunk men miss the toilet? What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. Men's restroom Lynagh's, Lexington, KY Hey Nike, I just did it! Tastee Diner, Bethesda, MD 2764. WHAT THE ORGANIZATIONAL CHART DOESN'T TELL YOU In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them has window offices. So I have listed -- from lowest to highest in order of prestige -- and described the 10 most commonly used job titles in a data processing shop. A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of these positions . . . usually all at the same time.
10. Programmer: The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability. Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to Systems Analyst.
9. Systems Analyst:
8. Team Leader:
7. Project Leader:
6. Operator:
5. Systems Programmer:
4. DBA:
3. Manager:
2. Department Secretary:
1. Contract Programmer: But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession: He will be able to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for desperate managers by putting in all kinds of extra hours... and will be paid overtime for every one of them. 2765. Hubby ate the cat food This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great! Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. "You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends. Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass." 2766. The Stage Is Set A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient 1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient 2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient 1 what Patient 2 was doing. Patient 1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient 2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient 1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient 1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" Just remember... A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. 2767. THE TOP 15 SUPREME COURT PRACTICAL JOKES 15. Out with the legal brief, in with the legal thong! 14. Leave the seat up for Justices O'Connor and Ginsberg. 13. Clarence sat through the entire morning session with an "Impeach Me" sign taped to the back of his robe. 12. Rehnquist always sneaking references to Baywatch into his dissenting opinions. 11. "Officially" changed national anthem to "Gangsta's Paradise" and re-worded Pledge of Allegiance to say "One nation under Coolio." 10. Solemnly telling death row inmates they've overturned their conviction and then yelling, "PSYCHE! Turn on the juice!" 9. Tell the guys at Court TV that the Supreme Court will rule on the existence or nonexistence of Santa Claus. 8. Load everybody into Souter's Taurus and drive by Bork's house blasting Aerosmith and honking the horn. 7. Secretly replacing the courtroom's Secret Service guard with Rusty the Bailiff. 6. Calling up Dominoes and sending 55 pizzas to the White House when the President is hosting a State Dinner. 5. Replace U.S. law books with Singapore law books and watch the wackiness ensue. 4. Can of white paint over Justice Thomas' chamber door just as funny now as it's always been. 3. Spend a couple of days on your deathbed, just to get the President's hopes up. 2. Announce the decision to hear the controversial case of Spy vs. Spy. 1. Radio-controlled "whack-a-mole" too much for any gavel-holding judge to resist. 2768. Welcome to the Church Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either." 2769. The Top 12 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets 1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt. 2. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars. 3. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener. 4. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows. 5. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around. 6. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds. 7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass. 8. Always scoot before licking. 9. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much. 10. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year. 11. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock. AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets... 12. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND. 2770. Beer Prayer
Our lager, |