KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

The following proverbs were collected by a first grade teacher over the years. She gave her classes part of an old proverb and let them fill in the rest.

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You........ Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than........ Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The........ Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before........ Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of........ Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But....... How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... .....Looks Dirty.

No News Is........ Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A........ Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New........ Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll........Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust........ Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The........ Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is........ The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's........ Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who........ Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is........ Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's........ The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What........ You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And......You Have To Blow Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As........ Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not........ Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed........ Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You........ See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... .....Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... .....Aunt Eddie.

10. Look, let's stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians.

9. Don't worry, Billy, those people are Christians - they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour.

8. What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled brothers and sisters.

7. Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?

6. How come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail? Son, that driver is a Christian and God probably protects him from getting arrested. Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that?

5. Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!

4. Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer.

3. No, that's not garbage coming out of their windows, Bert; it's probably gospel tracts for the road workers.

2. Oh boy, we're in trouble. Wow! We just rear-ended one of God's cars.

1. Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!

15. "No, you may not borrow my underwear, Mr. Kaczynski."

14. "In my professional opinion, if I were a 50-year-old virgin, I'd go freakin' nuts, too!"

13. "I give up, Ted -- what's black & red and charred all over?"

12. "Boy" "BOMB!" "Girl" "BOMB!" "Airport" "BOMB!" "Okay, that's enough word association."

11. "Look, Ted -- I'm no lawyer, but I've got doubts about your 'Prairie Oyster' defense."

10. "That ink blot looks like the oppressive technocratic regime attempting to enslave our free minds... or maybe a bunny rabbit."

9. "Would you *please* stop making that ticking noise?!"

8. "Actually, Ted, I'd prefer you *fax* me your manifesto."

7. "Why don't you and I run away together? I know a great little unheated cottage in the middle of nowhere!"

6. "You read the entire manifesto? Geez, and they think *I'm* crazy!"

5. "Now tell me again, Ted -- which one is Itchy?"

4. "I *must* be insane -- to sell name-brand VCR's and televisions at such low prices!!! This Friday only, at Krazy Ted's Electronics Outlet!!!"

3. "Man, that OJ is a nut, isn't he?"

2. "Okay, Marvin Gardens with three houses, that's $875...."

and the Number 1 Thing Overheard Between the Unabomber and the Psychiatrist...

1. "Violent fantasies?! Hey, you're the one showing me all these inkblot pictures of explosions."

With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."

***

The proof that we don't understand death is we give dead people a pillow. I mean if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't think there are any bedding accessories that can make the difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we have no idea what to get these people ready for. I mean, what situation are you going into with a suit and a pillow? There's no business nap meetings.

***

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door!

***

It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good-deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen. They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities. They don't want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation. "Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They've got a security deposit. Now what am I supposed to do?"

***

I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting. They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come on, they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!"

***

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, "Bye."

***

Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

***

Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who's coming in next? Oh no, another head case."

***

Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show, you know? They're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How are we doing on time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast. Stay with us."

***

The main difference between the man's wallet and the woman's wallet is the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time. And every picture's out of date. "Here's my cousin, 3 years old, she's in the Marines now. This is my dog, he died during the Carter administration." They get stopped by a cop, no license and registration. "Here's my fifty-six people who know me." Cop goes, "Alright ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along.....Routine pal check."

***

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

***

Sunday's paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax. "Oh, by the way, here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about." How can they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?

***

Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time somebody ordered a salad." There's a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?

***

One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open. We'll take whoever you got." Do we have to specify "The wretched refuse?" Why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can't drive, people that have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if they don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving...........In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."

***

Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly you're in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes. you're hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap?!" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you, snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's History, Science, Language. There's something off in the whole flow of that day.

***

My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, "So what? Neither do I." Who wants to see a whole community that's been grounded? That's the way they should punish the kids after they've seen Amish country. "All right son, get up to your room. That's it, I've had it, you are Amish, young man. For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me? Amish! And don't come down till you've made some noodles and raised a barn."

Many of us have been there. Something just doesn't click with the new boss. Or maybe we're just horribly incompetent, or miserably incapable of performing up to standard. Whatever the reason, sometimes in our lives, we've got to calculate the odds of being canned. Take this quiz and find out you chances of survival in the job world.

1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...

A) Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.

B) Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.

C) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

A) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.

B) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.

C) Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."

3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

A) Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.

B) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.

C) Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

A) Listen politely, and then apologize.

B) Blame someone else.

C) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."

5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...

A) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.

B) Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.

C) Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?

A) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.

B) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-workers into doing it while pretending to be you.

C) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

7. Your boss' gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react?

A) Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the boss' daughter, but that you would be honored to pay for her to go to the movie by herself.

B) Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up.

C) Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive.

8. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...

A) Clean the office while he supervises.

B) Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.

C) Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

SCORING

Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.

Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.

Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

Hello, nice to see you all again.

As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now - this is hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you like. We try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.

Are there any questions?

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

Off we go...

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you could join them, and Estate Agents.

Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.

AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He realizes put in a lot of work.

The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for the last 9 months.

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.

Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Moonies, maniacs, marite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of exchange scheme with the God, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing.

Well, I have to go now, but Jezzlebeth here will show you the ropes, chains, and electrodes.

- He had only one publication.

- And it was in Hebrew.

- And it had no references.

- And it wasn't published in a refereed journal.

- And some even doubt if he wrote it himself.

- It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done/published since then?

- His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

- The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to repeat his results.

- He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

- He expelled his first two students for learning.

- Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.

- His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

- It's rumored that he drowned nearly the entire sample group to cover up a failed experiment!

1. Be user friendly.
2. Take bytes.
3. Fondle joystick.
4. Spread sheet.
5. Fix surge protector.
6. Activate hardware.
7. Insert disc, all the way.
8. Do it until megabytes.
9. Back it up.
10 Eject floppy.

A little old lady walks into a taxidermist shop carrying the dead bodies of her pet male and female monkeys. She explains they were her favorite pets and she misses seeing them around the house. "Would you like to have them mounted?" asks the taxidermist. "Oh, no," she replies, "standing side by side will be just fine."

you'll need the following

1 Cup water
1 Cup Sugar
4 Large Eggs
2 Cups Dried Fruit
1 Tsp Baking Soda
1 Tsp Salt
1 Cup Brown Sugar
1 Tsp lemon Juice
Nuts
1 5th Whiskey ( Any Brand)

Sample whiskey for quality. Take a large bowl....check whiskey again. To be sure it is the higest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in large fluffy bowl...Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Turn off Electric mixer.

Make sure Whiskey still OK....Cry another tup. make sure mlectric tixer is off. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. murn on the tixer.

Sample whiskey again for tonsisticity. Next, sift the two tups of salt...er something...anyway, getting warmer in kitchen now....lets Check the whiskey again....NOW.....sift your lemons and strain your nuts. Add one table,spoon. OF sugar or whatver ya call it..that brown stuff..NOW Greasr your oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to test whiskey agin for color and flavor.... Throw bowl in tub and get into sink have nice hot bath while waiting for cake to bake...testig whiskey for ...........think everythings done....I sleep at this point! have to try own recipe.