KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Dear Ms. Ezell:

Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
Matt Taylor

A truck driver is passing through New York City and stops at a bar for a couple of beers. Shortly thereafter another man enters the bar, wearing a suit, bowler hat and bowtie, and carrying a briefcase. The bartender asks, "Are you a lawyer by any chance? You sure look like one" "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am," the man replies. Without another word the bartender pulls out a shotgun from under the bar and blows the lawyer away. The truck driver is stunned and asks the bartender for an explanation. "You must be from out of town, pal. It's lawyer season in New York City this time of year. You don't even need a license." "Sounds like a great idea to me," agrees the truck driver, who has recently lost his shirt in a nasty divorce and is nursing a serious grudge against the legal profession.

Upon leaving the bar, the truck driver doesn't get more than a mile down the street when he hits a pothole, blows a tire, and crashes his truck into a light pole. While trying to extricate himself from the cab of his truck, he sees a growing crowd of men and women in expensive suits surrounding his wrecked truck, thrusting their arms in through the broken windshield and waving their business cards in his face, all the while screaming at him not to move until an ambulance arrives. The truck driver reaches into his glove compartment, pulls out his handgun, leaps from the cab of his truck and opens fire on the now-scattering flock of attorneys, winging several of them in the process. As he pauses to reload, a policeman arrives on the scene and orders him to drop his weapon. He complies, whereupon the the officer promptly handcuffs him and informs him that he is under arrest. "But they're in season, aren't they?" the truck driver protests. "Well, sure, but you can't bait them."

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig.

Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat."

Santa responded, "With all due respect, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go."

As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa asked, "What's the shotgun for?"

To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

15. While watching "Star Trek - The Next Generation", they always scream, "Wrong! Wrong again!!"

14. No amount of arguing will stop them from voting Republican.

13. Mom has finally kicked her oxygen habit, but Dad still guzzles Prestone like it was Gatorade.

12. Your mom once moistened an envelope with her tongue and sealed it...after you had dropped it in the mail box.

11. Two words: Sansabelt slacks

10. Your first clue? They named you Jon Benet and you don't live in France.

9. Them: three-toed marsupials with pouches. You: love eucalyptus leaves and talk with funny accent.

8. They freak every time a Sigourney Weaver movie comes on.

7. Billy's parents -- the paddle. Timmy's parents -- the belt. Your folks -- the probe.

6. They claim they brought you from France, yet no one in the family is surly.

5. Your navel is threaded.

4. You've escaped countless punishments by distracting them with the sound of the can opener.

3. Your backyard satellite dish is larger than your neighbor's, by about 700 feet.

2. Your chore list includes the item, "polish coffins."

and the Number 1 Sign Your Parents Aren't Human...

1. In addition to milk, breast feeding menu includes hors d'oeuvres, salad, and an entree.

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

Here, he said to the 'statue' ......eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!"

A young punker gets on the crosstown bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelery and his earrings are big bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets self conscious and spits at the old man: "What 'er you starin' at you old fart, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!"

Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was in the Navy I got real drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you was my son."

TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.

TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.

TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.

TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.

TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.

TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.

TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."