KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE


2791. Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You

10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day

9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room

8. Ice floating in toilet water

7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep

6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant

5. You can never find the leftovers

4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel

3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.

2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover"

1. Your apartment keys no longer work


2792. Tempting Attempts But No

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says "I'll give you $10 and a packet of sweets."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two packets of sweets?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says. "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the sweets you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.

"Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"


2793. It's a Weird Dog...

A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said.

"Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter."

"Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here."

"All right - how much do you wanna bet?"

"Ten dollars."

"You're on."

So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side.

"I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours."

"Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master, "but he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off."


2794. You Might Be A Pyhsics Major If...

1. If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

2. If you chuckle whenever anyone says, "centrifugal force."

3. If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

4. If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

5. If it is sunny and 72 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

6. If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

7. If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

8. If you always do homework on Friday nights.

9. If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

10. If you have no life - and you can prove it mathematically.

11. If you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

12. If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

13. If you have a pet named after a scientist.

14. If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."

15. If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

16. If you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

17. If you consider any non-science course "easy."

18. If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

19. If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

20. If you can translate English into Binary.

21. If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

22. If you understood more than five of these indicators.

23. If you print out this page, and post it on your door.


2795. Clinton Humor...

1.. Sears is making a tool in honor of Bill Clinton....the Clintondriver...screws everything guranteed.

2.. Bill must have a screw loose...loose women that is...every night.

3.. "Hi, my name is Bill and I ....."

4.. Which rises faster, elevators at the Empire State Building or Bill Clinton?

5.. Bill's words to Hail to the Chief..."Hail to the chief, he's only wearing a leaf...come on upstairs, it will only be breif!"

6.. Chelsea & Socks, the only things Bill hasn't screwed!

7.. Dictionary Entries:
1.. Pre-vert: Roman Polanski,
2.. Per-vert: Bill Clinton,
3.. Post-vert: Woody Allen

8.. Clinton's Alibi for his behaviour: "As you all know, I won't be president forever. I was studying anatomy for this class..."

9.. Clinton's Second Alibi: "Well my first marriage was only in beta...."

10.. Clinton's Third Alibi: "I was just playing doctor...."

11.. Recent Seamen's Furniture Order: Oval Bed delivered to 1600 Pensylvania Ave. Use back door...

12.. Clinton's Favorite line in a Bruce Springsteen song: "...from the front door to my back seat..."

13.. Clinton's Favorite line in a Door's song: "Oh show me the way to the next little girl..."

14.. Question on a logic test in Harvard: "Which amounts to less: women who have not slept with Clinton or the population of South America?"

15.. Clinton's Fourth Alibi: "I was just looking for the Easter Eggs..."

16.. Clinton's Fifth Alibi: "I was looking for a wire..."

17.. Who? What? Where?

18.. What happens when Clinton visits Chelsea at college? They pass out LOTS of trojans...

19.. Clinton's favorite pickup line: "Would you like to meet the First Penis?"

20.. "But Bill, you said I would get to see the space program and that is NOT Venus!"

21.. Do they have Presidential Seals on the condoms? Soon, everyone will know...


2796. THE 10 CYBER SEX RULES

1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.

2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.

3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garterbelt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office - but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.

4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.

5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.

6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). Thats it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!

7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."

8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)

9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.

10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.


2797. If Men could Menstruate....

What would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?

The answer is clear: menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event.

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.

Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)

Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("MENstruation") as proof that only men could serve in the army ("you have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean").

Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month ("you MUST give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.

Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man") or answer praise from a buddy ("Man, you are lookin' good") by high-fiving and saying, "Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!" TV shows would treat the subject at length. ("Happy Days": Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers!")

Men would try to convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself -- though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.

Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets -- and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?

Liberal males in every field would be kind to women: the fact that "these people" have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe, the liberals would explain, that should be punishment enough.


2798. The Genealogy of the Schitt family

The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Now, you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, and the twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, plus Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. There you have it, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, now you can correct them.


2799. Things Grandma Said Before She Died

10. "Come closer." *COUGH*

9. "Hey. Hey! Lemme out of here! Don't you people check for a pulse?"

8. "You're in my will, and yes, my insurance is paid up. Why do you ask?"

7. "That's Odd."

6. "Now, let's see. Left onto the Autobahn..."

5. "What do you mean PURGE? I thought the button said NURSE!!!"

4. "Dang volume control won't work! Hey...why are the numbers on my I.V. machine changing?"

3. "For God's sake, Harold! You're a total IDIOT! Get that live wire out of here! I'm trying to take a bath. Harold?"

2. "Won enough, already??? Well, you tell this 'Godfather' person that I'm not done playing yet. Now, which way to the roulette tables?"

1. "Elevator out? Nonsense! They just want to keep us old people up here. Well, I'm not falling for it!"


2800. The Pope

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind ... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"


[Last page] [Index page 10] [Next page]
© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands