KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." --Ellen DeGeneres

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money." --Kevin Meaney

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? 'Don't eat pork. God has spoken.' Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne Boosler

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." --Rita Rudner

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." --Winston Spear

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That maybe. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." --Ron Richards

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?" --Garry Shandling

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

We Have to be leary of our Online Friends,
The Reason for this, Comes from down deep within.

Throughout our lives, from birth to the grave,
Our Impressions of others come from how they behave.
We can touch them, feel them, see them and hear
The truth of their words through a multi-sensed ear.
We can tell by their eyes, or their language, or look,
If their words are sincere, or out of a book.
But Online, the words we read on the screen,
We Interpret to say what we want them to mean.
Our innermost feelings are brought forth there,
>From the words that appear on the screen where we stare.
Does "I Love You' from them, mean the same as from me?
Or am I only a game to them, and should I then flee?
Are they laughing, or joking, or smirking, or worse...
While I pour out my heart in short little spurts...
And that night, on the phone, when we spoke those same words,
Did they hang up and say " Good God, What a Nerd .." ?
In all other places, we choose friends with care...
Online, It is sad, We must truly BEWARE...
To all of you whom I've poured out my heart...
Remember, be gentle, even though far apart...
Because " I LOVE YOU " from me, comes from deep down inside,
Where Trust, and Hope, and my true feelings hide...
And no matter the image, I show to the rest...
My Online Friends know the real me the best...
While with you I share my fears and my dreams...
And I pray when we meet, I am all that I seem...

There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer's funeral. "Here's a hundred," he said. "Bury 10 of 'em."

A lawyer went on vacation to a western dude ranch. Awed by the scenery, she went for a twilight stroll among the cattle. Suddenly, she stepped in something soft.

"Honey!" she shouted to her husband. "I'm melting!"

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover.

His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost

friend from his old hometown. He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill. Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He started swimming toward the far-off shore, wondering how he could make it safely. As he was swimming, the sharks seemed to make way for him, helping him reach shore safely. We suspect it was professional courtesy.

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office-I forgot to lock the safe!"

"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle.He had always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple, just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, that you rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike, I won't need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the new owner an old tube of vaseline, and he puts it in his pocket.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a proud and happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic! (being a harley fan too) That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. since, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm: "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. In they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks there are dirty dishes, that must have been there for years. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course, no one says a word. "Her mom's kinda cute," he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again no one says a word. Then, the boy friend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the new motorcycle. He pulls the tube of vaseline from his pocket. The father jumps up out of his chair and shouts:

"All right, I'll do the dishes!"

16. "This is your brain. This is your brain on my naked thigh. Any questions?"

15. "Could you help me get this tie tack out of my hand?"

14. "Towards what end does a substantially empathetic demoiselle such as yourself inhabit a locus such as this?"

13. "What say we skip this nerd-fest and hit an all-night symposium on Euclidean Geometry?"

12. "Perchance, would you be inclined to participate, at my domicile, sans apparel, in a modicum of copulation?"

11. "It doesn't take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it did, I'd be overqualified."

10. "You'll have to excuse me -- Your presence excites me beyond all capacity for cognitive discourse."

9. "Vini, Vici, Va-va-voom!"

8. "You must be tired, because you've been running quadratic equations through my mind all night."

7. "That tape on your glasses really sets off your eyes."

6. "According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be making love right now."

5. "If I were to mention to you that you have a bellus corpus, would you take umbrage?"

4. "I bet your brain stem reaches almost down to your gluteus maximus."

3. "Ooohh, your IQ is 145? I like 'em dumb and strong!"

2. "By visually measuring the wrinkles in the front of your pants, calculating your body mass based on your height and weight, and dividing that number by your waist size -- I conclude that you have absolutely nothing in your pocket and are, in fact, glad to see me."

and the Number 1 MENSA Pick-Up Line...

1. "Baby, I'll have you barking like a *canis familiaris*."

I remember my first ISP. You always remember your first. Halcyon.com in Seattle. So quick, so light, so ... responsive. She was never too busy for me. It felt almost wrong, we were both so young. But how can love be wrong? It was a magical time.

Then we were ripped apart. I moved to Boulder, for a job. How many relationships have been ruined by money? We tried to pretend at first, we told each other that nothing would change, it would just be a long distance relationship. But I couldn't afford the phone bills, and there was the time zone difference. So we had to face reality, and parted ways.

I soon discovered that I can't bear to be alone. There was an emptiness in my life. I tried reading the Halcyon newsgroups from work, but of course I was blocked. Probably best, it was an unhealthy thing to do. What was next, fly to Seattle and stand outside the POP, in the rain?

I searched the yellow pages, hoping I could find a relationship that way. But I was fearful. What if long distance got in the way again? Then I found what I thought I needed. Netcom. They were everywhere! I could travel, or change jobs, and never be without my provider. And they wanted me. They told me so, right on the phone.

It was a relief, but looking back I'm sure it was a rebound relationship. And I kept getting mixed signals from Netcom, busy signals. She said she wanted me, but at the same time she implied that she wouldn't be creating any new shell accounts. But a shell account was the foundation of our relationship. I felt insecure, I couldn't be sure she'd always support a shell account. And she was always after me to use this GUI. She said she could get it for me for free. Well, what you do with yourself in the privacy of your POP is up to you, I won't judge, but I'm just not into that GUI stuff.

I finally had to leave, she gave me one busy signal too many. I cancelled without even taking my files.

Well, then started a time in my life I'm not too proud of. I bummed around from ISP to ISP, anyone who had a POP, local or national, I didn't care. I was a slut.

It got to the point where I couldn't even remember the name of the ISP I was with. I woke up one morning, bleary eyed, staring at my monitor, and couldn't even remember what state my ISP was in, or even if it was in the East or the West.

I'd hit bottom. Next stop Hell.

I cancelled my account by sending mail to support; I don't even know who's support it was. Still don't.

Somehow I hooked up with Dimensional. We've both been around. We don't ask too much from each other, give each other a lot of space. I think the key to a lasting relationship is realistic expectations, of both yourself and your partner. And never be too busy for each other.

The keyboarding is satisfying. Nothing wild, just ten fingers up, 101 keys down. It works for us.

But sometimes, when I'm keyboarding late at night, I think of Halcyon. You always remember your first.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, " I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.

"You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."

Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Q: Mr. Arbuthnot, as an expert in the use of the cliche, are you prepared to testify here today regarding its application in topics of sex, love, matrimony, and so on?

A: I am.

Q: Very good. Now, Mr. Arbuthnot, what is love?

A: Love is blind.

Q: Good. What does love do?

A: Love makes the world go round.

Q: Whom does a young man fall in love with?

A: With the Only Girl in the World.

Q: Whom does a young woman fall in love with?

A: With the Only Boy in the World.

Q: When do they fall in love?

A: At first sight.

Q: How?

A: Madly.

Q: They are then said to be?

A: Victims of Cupid's darts.

Q: And he?

A: Whispers sweet nothings in her ear.

Q: Who loves a lover?

A: All the world loves a lover.

Q: Describe the Only Girl in the World.

A: Her eyes are like stars. Her teeth are like pearls. Her lips are ruby. Her cheek is damask, and her form divine.

Q: Haven't you forgotten something?

A: Eyes, teeth, lips, cheek, form--no, sir, I don't think so.

Q: Her hair?

A: Oh, certainly. How stupid of me. She has hair of spun gold.

Q: Very good, Mr. Arbuthnot. Now will you describe the Only Man?

A: He is a blond Viking, a he-man, and a square shooter who plays the game. There is something fine about him that rings true, and he has kept himself pure and clean so that when he meets the girl of his choice, the future mother of his children, he can look her in the eye.

Q: How?

A: Without flinching.

Q: Are all the Only Men blond Vikings?

A: Oh, no. Some of them are dark, handsome chaps who have sown their wild oats. This sort of Only Man has a way with a maid, and there is a devil in his eye. But he is not a cad; he would not play fast and loose with an Only Girl's affections. He has a heart of gold. He is a diamond in the rough. He tells the Only Girl frankly about his Past. She understands--and forgives.

Q: And marries him?

A: And marries him.

Q: Why?

A: To reform him.

Q: Does she reform him?

A: Seldom.

Q: Seldom what?

A: Seldom, if ever.

Q: Now, Mr. Arbuthnot, when the Only Man falls in love, madly, with the Only Girl, what does he do?

A: He walks on air.

Q: Yes, I know, but what does he do? I mean, what is it he pops?

A: Oh, excuse me. The question, of course.

Q: Then what do they plight?

A: Their troth.

Q: What happens after that?

A: They get married.

Q: What is marriage?

A: Marriage is a lottery.

Q: Where are marriages made?

A: Marriages are made in Heaven.

Q: What does the bride do at the wedding?

A: She blushes.

Q: What does the groom do?

A: Forgets the ring.

Q: After the marriage, what?

A: The honeymoon.

Q: Then what?

A: She has a little secret.

Q: What is it?

A: She is knitting a tiny garment.

Q: What happens after that?

A: Oh, they settle down and raise a family and live happily ever afterward, unless--

Q: Unless what?

A: Unless he is a fool for a pretty face.

Q: And if he is?

A: Then they come to the parting of the ways.

Q: Mr. Arbuthnot, thank you very much.

A: But I'm not through yet, Mr. Untermyer.

Q: No?

A: Oh, no. There is another side to sex.

Q: There is? What side?

A: The seamy side. There are, you know, men who are wolves in sheep's clothing and there are, alas, lovely women who stoop to folly.

Q: My goodness! Describe these men you speak of, please.

A: They are snakes in the grass who do not place woman upon a pedestal. They are cads who kiss and tell, who trifle with a girl's affections and betray her innocent trust. They are cynics who think that a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. Their mottoes are "Love 'em and leave 'em" and "Catch 'em young, treat 'em rough, tell 'em nothing" These cads speak of "the light that lies in woman's eyes, and lies--and lies--and lies." In olden days they wore black, curling mustachios, which they twirled, and they invited innocent Gibson girls to midnight suppers, with champagne, at their bachelor apartments, and said, "Little girl, why do you fear me?" Nowadays they have black, patent-leather hair, and roadsters, and they drive up to the curb and say, "Girlie, can I give you a lift?" They are fiends in human form, who would rob a woman of her most priceless possession.

Q: What is that?

A: Her honor.

Q: How do they rob her?

A: By making improper advances.

Q: What does a woman do when a snake in the grass tries to rob her of her honor?

A: She defends her honor.

Q: How?

A: By repulsing his advances and scorning his embraces.

Q: How does she do that?

A: By saying, "Sir, I believe you forget yourself," or "Please take your arm away," or "I'll kindly thank you to remember I'm a lady," or "Let's not spoil it all."

Q: Suppose she doesn't say any of those things?

A: In that case, she takes the first false step.

Q: Where does the first false step take her?

A: Down the primrose path.

Q: What's the primrose path?

A: It's the easiest way.

Q: Where does it lead?

A: To a life of shame.

Q: What is a life of shame?

A: A life of shame is a fate worse than death.

Q: Now, after lovely woman has stooped to folly, what does she do to the gay Lothario who has robbed her of her most priceless possession?

A: She devotes the best years of her life to him.

Q: Then what does he do?

A: He casts her off.

Q: How?

A: Like an old shoe.

Q: Then what does she do?

A: She goes to their love nest, then everything goes black before her, her mind becomes a blank, she pulls a revolver, and gives the fiend in human form something to remember her by.

Q: That is called?

A: Avenging her honor.

Q: What is it no jury will do in such a case?

A: No jury will convict.

Q: Mr. Arbuthnot, your explanation of the correct application of the cliche in these matters has been most instructive, and I know that all of us cliche-users here will know exactly how to respond hereafter when, during a conversation, sex--when sex--when-- ah--

A: I think what you want to say is "When sex rears its ugly head," isn't it?

Q: Thank you, Mr. Arbuthnot. Thank you very much.

A: Thank you, Mr. Untermyer.

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bulletproof windows.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

Your mouse has only one ball.

You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains "significant others".

Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.

You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the closets.

When "the Dead" are best live.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch".

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

When all highways into the state say: "no fruits".

All highways out of the state say: "Go back".