KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.

(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world.

(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.

(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring Cycle" in its entirety)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.

(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.

(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of a salamander.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.

(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:

Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.

Day 2: The "Great White Encounter". You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark.

Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears". You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.

Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays". This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.

We hope you will enjoy your trip!

Your loyal employees.

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy.

Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise ________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________

(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

_____________________

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable Mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: "Baaaa", then re-joined the flock.

Excerpt from an Australian edition of Mills & Boon

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

Please be advised that you have been scheduled for an OPTARECTOMY procedure. The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects you rectum to your eyes and, hopefully, alleviate your shitty outlook on life. It has been noted that you have been in less than perfect humor lately.

A man was walking across the road when he met the accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When open his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully : "You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying.." She squeezed his hands as he continued :"When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply..." He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."

Then I finally got another job after being laid off for sometime. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from te day I join the company till now... And you were there beside me"

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband :"And now I met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me.... ....There's something I'll really like to say to you..."

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, and sobbing with emotion.

He said..., " I think you really bring me bad luck.."

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theater, so hegoes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"

Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute
that all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok
life could be so sweet
if we had those special keys
ctrl and alt delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute.
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot.

You'd like to have another job
you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start anew
ctrl and alt delete.