KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A man and his grown daughter go fishing but only catch one small fish. It's not enough to feed them, yet it would be a shame to throw it out, so they decide to feed it to the cat.

The man puts the fish in the cat food dish, but kitty turns up her nose at it. Thinking quickly, the daughter picks up the dish and walks over to the kitchen counter. Putting the dish down on the counter, she runs the electric can opener for several seconds, then puts the dish back in place. The cat chows right down.

It was extremely unusual for a Foy to be dying on earth, as they were virtually {immortal.It} was believed that this was

due to the fact that every Foy had five large hearts. This Foy, however, was forlorn because of an unattainable love affair and had lost the will to live. Maude Stevens, earth's

foremost zenobiologist, wished to study the Foy's hearts to deterrmine the cause of their longevity, but had been unable

to do so because of the Foy's taboo against dismemberment. She asked Ray Jones, the Foy's only human friend for help. Roy spoke to the Foy, telling him that if he consented to the autopsy, the Mormon Tabernacle Chior, led by John Harold, would sing a dirge for him that would be powereful enough to transfer his soul immediately to his home planet of Sortibackenstrete. The Foy did not make an immediate decision until the last minute, when on his deathbed he called his friend to his side and told him, GIVE MY BIG HEARTS TO MAUDE, RAY. DISMEMBER ME FOR HAROLD'S CHOIR. TELL ALL THE FOYS ON SORTIBACKENSTRETE THAT I WILL SOON BE THERE..."
(Thanks to Isac Asimov for this story)

I know I haven't known you for a very long time and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I need it very badly. I haven't had it for a long time and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me, no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think I have a lot of nerve, but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juice until it's very dry. It has been on my mind all day and I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore...........

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.... Can I have a piece of gum

NYSE ADMITS: THIS IS ALL MAKE BELIEVE NEW YORK--New York Stock Exchange officials released a statement Monday admitting that the exchange, one of the primary means by which the nation's economic health is measured, is in reality a made-up and largely random mishmash of numbers and meaningless statistics. "The whole 'stock exchange' idea came about around the turn of the century at the request of publisher William Randolph Hearst, who was looking for something to fill the back half of his New York Journal," NYSE's Ian Silver said. "So a man named Henry Tillman came up with the idea of a 'stock-ticker' device, which spewed out reams of bogus numbers for Hearst to reprint." NYSE has no plans to disband.

* I'm not so sure that evolution is indeed a valid theory. I mean think about it -- if it were, wouldn't all blondes have grown handles by now ?"

* Two young sexy singers were sipping stingers at Chasen's in Hollywood. "You remember that backless, frontless, sideless evening gown I wore to the awards last week ?" "Sure !" replied the other. "It was a sensation." "Well... I just found out it's a belt."

* "May I be of some help Mr. Gates ?" asked the impeccably attired, haughty salesman in the new car showroom. "Yep." replied Bill. "My wife isn't feeling all that well. What have you got in the way of a get-well car ?"

* Pity the two lil' Hollywood boys who couldn't even exchange their taunts the way boys do the world over. "My Father can beat-up your Father." boasted one. "You big silly." laughed the second slightly older boy. "Your Father IS my Father."

* Watch out for one new expression in the Yuppie set. If you hear that someone is truly "electric", that means everything they own is charged.

* Two Yuppettes met for lunch and were talking about a couple they both knew who had announced their plans to get remarried. "It was just one of those divorces that didn't work out." said the one sadly.

........just in case you were wondering:

* All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
* On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
* If she were life size, Barbie's measurements are: 39-23-33.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
* "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
* All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
* Almonds are members of the peach family.
* Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
* Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
* There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
* The longest place-name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokai- wenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
* Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
* A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
* Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
* In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
* Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
* The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
* The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
* The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
* A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
* A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
* On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
* The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
* Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Why it's Paul Reiser himself.
* The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
* The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
* The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
* Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
* John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
* The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
* There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
* "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Except for their exellent remuneration, a plumber's life is not a happy thing. As well as the cruddy esthetic aspects of this profession, plumbers have to deal with lead exposure, and most terrible of all, blocked pipes. Since the days of the Ancient Roman Empire, these artisans have worked to develop technology to clear the drains. A site in the plumbing needing particular attention is the place where the pipes make a sharp turn or bend. Here is where the most severe blockages occur. Here is the point at which most developmental activity has occurred. One of the lesser known but more successful technologies to clear pipe bends that are blocked has to do with the proper application of high air pressure and red paint (lead-based, of course). There are those who can explain how the technique actually works . Perhaps, it is a solvating effect of the pigment. Perhaps red paint just weighs more; perhaps it is a pigment of their imagination. Nevertheless, when the red paint is poured into the blocked pipe and allowed to stand for a few hours, the application of air pressure almost always relieves the blockade. The clearing of the block at the bent pipe is usually accompanied by a sound very reminiscent of a gigantic, juicy raspberry, or Bronx cheer. It is this sound that signals the plumber that it is time to present the bill. Everything is OK. This technique is so effective that there is a related maxim within the trade: STOOLS GUSH IN WHERE ANGLES FARTED RED.

THEY'RE TEACHING MATH AT GUNPOINT IN SCHOOL by Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, February 3, 1997

I used to drink gin and I used to take math classes. Frankly, the gin did me a lot more good.

That doesn't mean I think the public schools should require gin drinking. And I don't think they should require more math either.

Well, perhaps they should teach more math to some students -- but maybe not to everybody. Nonetheless, there is a movement afoot in these several states to declare math and science so crucial in all our lives that all children, regardless of interest, aptitude or need, should be required to study a lot more math and science.

Cooking is also important in all of our lives, especially when you consider the drawbacks to eating raw chickens. But that doesn't mean we are all cut out to become cooks.

Nor should we all study a lot of medicine just because doctors and nurses are such a pleasure to have around if you happen to break a leg or some other favorite organ.

And we shouldn't all study law just because, at any given time in America, half the population is suing the other half, often over what some doctor did to somebody's favorite organ.

Nonetheless, there is a movement in the state legislatures to require all children to take more math -- throwing out required classes in physical education and the humanities to make room for it. Actually, I understand some of the urges of the academic technocrats behind these obsessions. We all believe our own realm is so crucial to the future of the republic that it should be crammed down the throats of every child in America, ready or not.

That's why I'm against dictatorship, academic or otherwise. I'm afraid if I became dictator I would have every student in America writing English essays every day for all 12 years they're in school. If I were dictator, I would have people shot for not loving English as much as I do.

But in saner moments, I doubt that prejudice toward my own poison. In saner moments, I notice that the more formal schooling in writing that English Ph.D.s have, the less of what they write I understand.

Scientists and mathematicians are currently in the saddle in American education and mostly should be. We have entered a technological future. But we all need to recognize, even as we spread the gospel of our own professional passions, that there are indeed different strokes for different folks. We aren't all cut out for every field of study.

English is God's truth here on Earth. But I'm not sure I want auto mechanics -- or other scientists -- wasting too much time learning the difference between an infinitive and a gerund. I would rather have them learning the difference between a broken carburetor and one that works.

And you probably should cram some Shakespeare down my throat if I think I want to be a writer when I grow up. But let's not turn a jolly guy like Bill Shakespeare into a god and assume nobody is complete without wading through all that antique language.

Perhaps it is my ignorance on parade, but I have rarely wished I had more than the rudimentary arithmetic -- and the pocket calculator -- with which I go through life. I encounter 1,000 times as many instances when I wish I knew more Spanish (or auto mechanics) than instances when I wish I knew more math or Shakespeare.

Granted, we all need a taste of every subject, if for no other reason than to decide what we want to be when we grow up, what we are cut out for. And we have to have some understanding of each other if we are to work together in life without too much snarling. But this recent attempt to declare every one a scientist or a mathematician, rather than merely declare everyone a beneficiary of those trades, indicates a poor -- even an unscientific -- grasp of human potential and how best to use it.

Math is like gin. Some people dig it. And in moderation, it lightens life's load and does some people a lot of good. But when excessively served, it makes some people dull, robbing them of reason and productivity.

I used to drink gin. I'd like to tell you how much of it I drank over the years but first I have to find my pocket calculator.

Meanwhile, mathematicians are sincerely joyful at the thought of juggling numbers, though that remains a mystery to me. As Shakespeare said, "To business that we love we rise betime, and go to't with delight."

Whatever that means. Sometimes that guy really could be pretty murky.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!".

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test.Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man.

He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair!"

At the Polish Agricultural university (P.A.U), the Professor was talking about increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the class asked:
"Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?"
The Professor answered,
"Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they woke you up, rubbed your boobs for two hours and didn't fuck you afterwards,you'll look depressed too!"