KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. Man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

* Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

* A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her;a man, of the woman who didn't.

* There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, all the people in tiny Smithville wake up early and go to their local church. Before the service starts, the towns-people sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc...

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears. They all start screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

"And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

* A visiting Englishman was being given a tour of some of the finer older homes in Baltimore. After about a half-hour, he said, "My word ! What hideous architecture. Whatever is it ?" "Well.." his host replied, "it's known as Victorian."

* I was telling Bruno, a Texan friend of mine, about a fish I had almost caught off Hilton Head, South Carolina. Bruno listened skeptically for a while, then said, "About the size of a whale, was it ?" I said, "Hell man ! I was baiting with whales !!!"

* Y'all may remember my neighbor Babette, who can be as acid- tongued as I when dealing with the Yuppie set. Once at a fund raiser in Columbia Maryland, she was approached by a Yuppette who said, "So glad to see you. You're the first person I've seen tonite worth talking to. These people are so boring." Babette looked at her and replied, "I must say -- you're far more fortunate than I."

* Got another "fan letter" this week. The lady was amazed at the volume of material I churn out. I wrote back and said, "Well yes, but I wonder if the people on the list will still love me when I can't think of any more funny jokes." Her reply, back within minutes, said, "Of course we do !"

* Skirted disaster this week with Mrs JimJr. I made the comment that she had changed a lot since we were first married. She frowned and said, "That's a little ambiguous -- for better or for worse ?" Thankfully I was able to fashion an acceptable reply by saying, "Why, you could only change for the better of course."

(Went right over her head. Yes, I do enjoy living dangerously)

A HUMOR reader was inspired by the Bad Prose postings to attempt to write the worst CV ever written. I have permission to share it, if I find it amusing, which I do. I withheld names, changed locations and titles, to try and make the company, a large American corporation, unrecognisable.

Name ...... ....... Joined XYZ in May 1978 as Junior Briefcase Carrier. Reason for joining XYZ: Nobody else offered me a white-collar job. I believe I was the result of some esoteric Affirmative Action, being English-born with a Kurdish maternal grandfather, who emigrated to the US and converted to Christianity. Mainly based in London and Brussels which alternated as International Headquarters depending on which political faction was having the upper hand in the ongoing internecine wars. I was also based in the field, in Cairo and Dubai. I suspect that it was the result of Personnel assuming that I spoke Arabic because my grandfather was a Kurd, except that Kurds speak Kurdish and not Arabic and equally, my grandfather always spoke to me in English with an accent that, when I was a kid, I thought it was Kurdish until my mother explained that it was American. However, through devious manipulations and shameless politicking, I succeeded to be transferred back to the Headquarters of the day, where I could continue honing my skills at brownnosing (sic), backstabbing and buzzwording. Those skills, coupled with sheer inertia forces, finally led me to be promoted to Marketing Director, Middle & Near East. In that capacity, I was able to realise the full potential of my personality, by bullying my minions, playing favourites and, satisfyingly, be at the receiving end of some brownnosing. At last. At the time of the Great Downsizing of 1991, I was requested to put my stuff in a cardboard box and leave the building and was given a package which, whilst not being uncharacteristically generous, was not too stingy either. This was not as much the result of past brownnosing as to the fact that I knew what skeletons were in which closet. Skills: All those indicated above. Also, I can hold a pen and a phone and look busy, intelligent and purposeful.

Our Pastor likes to use humorous stories to underline points in his sermon. This one was so good that most of us missed the rest of the sermon because we were writing it down.

It's a couple of days before a big wedding. The Bride comes up with some bad news for her mother: she's found out that the young Step-Mother of the Groom has bought the exact same dress to wear to the Wedding that she (the mother of the Bride) is planning to wear.

The Bride's Mother tells her not to worry because she will just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony.

"But mother," asks the Bride, "What will you do with the dress that you've already bought?"

"Well," says mom, "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?" Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.

A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

There once was a snake farmer who had a pair of vipers he was trying to breed. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local herpetologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes, and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and made two tables out of them. Put the table and snakes into a cage, and leave them alone for a while." Well, the breeder thought this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later, he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the expert, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, your snakes are adders, and everybody knows that ADDERS CAN MULTIPLY ONLY ON LOG TABLES."

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, the population was declining at an alarming rate. Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a toss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean...?" said Jim. "Yes," said Tom. "THEY NEED MONO-SODIUM GLUE TO MATE!"

Some Nuts Are Bad For Business

Mad scientists and the science-fiction horror stories often give us reason to wonder as technology whirls forward at a dizzying pace. Technology has created an opportunity for some to become obsessed with numbers and analysis that can lead to equally science-fiction results.

On the job at one time or another most of us have experienced a fear ful fleeting thought about this. Perhaps in a way that a proprietor of a short order establishment at 118 State Street experienced.

When Cecil the accountant came into the restaurant for his morning coffee he saw the new rack of peanuts by the cash register. "Sam," he yelled at the proprietor , "Do you realize what that peanut rack is costing you?" Sam said, "It's not gonna cost. The rack is only 25 bucks and I get ten cents a bag for the peanuts that only cost me six cents. I think I will sell about 50 bags a week to start. In 12 weeks he rack is paid for and I make four cents a bag from then on."

Cecil shook his head sadly, "Wrong Sam, those peanuts are part of your operation now and must carry a share of the overhead. You know Sam, the rent, heat, light, salaries for your waitress, cook ." Sam broke in, "The cook? What's he got to do with it? He don't even know I got peanuts." Cecil began writing rapidly on a napkin. "Sam, just quickly, your peanut operation is going to have to pay $1,278 a year toward general overhead costs. Well, maybe a little more like $1,313 when you consider window washing, soap for the washroom, etc." Sam held up his hand. "The peanut salesman said all I got to do is put 'em on the counter and every bag I sell is four cents more profit.

Cecil sniffed with contempt. "Sam, he is not an accountant. Do you know what that space on your counter is worth?" "Hey, it ain't worth nothin'," said Sam, "there's no stool there." "Sam you have 60 square feet of counter and you gross $15,000 a year. That space is worth $250 per year." Ya mean I gotta add $250 a year to the peanuts?" "Right Sam, add that to your operating costs and that comes to $1,563 per year or 60 cents per bag if you sell 50 bags of peanuts per week. If you pay six cents per bag, that's 66 cents cost per bag. If you sell them for ten cents, you will be losing 56 cents on every bag you sell." Okay Cecil, you're so smart, what do I do?"

"You have to cut operating expenses," said Cecil, "move where the rent is lower, cut salaries, take the soap out of the washroom. If you can cut operating expenses by 50 percent you can cut your cost per bag to 36 cents. In order to make four cents per bag, raise your price from ten cents to 40 cents." Sam said, "Forget it. I'll just throw the damn nuts out. All I lose is 25 bucks for the lousy rack and three bucks worth of peanuts." Cecil shook his head. "It's not that easy Sam, you are in the peanut business. If you throw them away you add $1, 563 annual overhead to the rest of the operation you can't afford that."

Sam looked at the ceiling, "Last week I made money, now I'm in trouble because I wanted to make a few extra bucks on peanuts." Cecil smiled, "That's right Sam, you can't avoid making these poor decisions unless you consult with a sharp accountant like me first."

Cecil patted Sam's shoulder and assured him that survival in the business world was not easy. The modern science of market management is very complex.

Husbands
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* Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

* Married men live longer than single men, But married men are a lot more willing to die..

* Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use for two people to remember the same thing.

Wives
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* Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

* Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.