KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

THE KIDDIE PICK...When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
SURPRISE PICKINGS...When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
AUTO PICK...The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.
PICK YOUR BRAINS...Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE...When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
PICK AND ROLL...No explanation needed.
PICK AND FLICK...Ditto.
PICK AND STICK...You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
PAY DIRT...The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt outsection of forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forestfire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask. A post- mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast --some 20 MILES away from the forest.

The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets.

The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it! One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the fire.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!!

A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign thatreads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details." Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize. "You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says. "Just three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining about walking out of the bar $2,000 richer.
"What are the three things?"
"Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncerand knock him out. After that, I've got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and make the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs go nuts." "No problem," the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal yourshoelace is untied." When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut. Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The bartender can heara tremendous commotion from the back room it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy. After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily. "Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??

And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
and the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh to high heaven."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Company Policy.

This Is How Shit Happens.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

A ship wreck leaves three men and one woman on a deserted island. They wanted to be fair, and since none of them were promisucious, they decided to each marry the woman for a week and then divorce her, and the next man one marry her. The one-week marriage arrangement went on for about nine weeks and everybody was happy... until one day the woman caught a strange disease and died. The first week, was bad; the second week was worst and the third week was terrible. Then, on the fourth week they buried her!

These two black guys are walking down the street when one of them spots a sign that reads: turn white for 99 cents. One of them has a dollar and the other only 98 cents. The man with the dollar says, " I'll go in and when I come back out, I'll give you my change". The two agreed and the man went inside. After a while the man came back out and to the other mans' amazement he's white. amazed, the other man says, " Wow man! Your white! Can I have that penny now? The other man says, " Go get a job nigger".

One night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness,when a spectral hound floats in through the door. The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks "yeah, what do you want?". The phantom hound explains, in a haunting voice "I've lost my tail...... and cannot rest until a kindly barman stitches it back-on".
At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog..... "Sorry, but we don't retail spirits at this time of night".

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey. The bartender asks why. The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay." The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.
The bartender aks why. The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay." The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey. The bartender asks why. The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay." The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like p---y anymore?" The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.

"The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.

"The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."