931. To the doctor
An elderly couple goes to the doctor's wondering what is wrong with the husband. After an intense and exhausting examination, the doctor decides to tell the wife in private. "Well", he says. "We've narrowed it down to two things. Unfortunately, your husband has either AIDS or Alzheimer's." "Ohmigod," gasp the elderly woman. "Those are very serious indeed. Is there anyway you can find out for sure?" "Actually yes there is," replies the doctor. "On your way home tonight, drop your husband off 10 miles from home. If he comes home, don't fuc* him." 932. Moon-walking "During the space program, the Apollo astronauts practiced 'moon-walking' in the Southwestern deserts. The strange sight of the space-suited figures wandering around the landscape attracted several Indians. One of them could speak English, and the officials in charge told him what they were doing. When he informed the others, one old man wanted to write a message to send to the moon. The NASA people humored him, and he scratched out a message. When the other Indians read it, they smiled, but didn't say anything. The NASA people couldn't read it, since it was in Indian, and they finally had to resort to paying a willing Indian- for whom they had to search, since most refused- to tell them what it said. The note said, 'Watch out for these people! They're coming to take your land!'" 933. Weenie A woman's husband was watching a football game and she was bored. So she went outside and decided to pick up trash in the yard. After a while the husband came outside and was watching her work when he said, "you know, your butt is as big as that Bar B Que grill." She didn't say anything, she just kept working. That night he crawled into bed and she turned her back to him and he ask her what was wrong didn't she want to have sex with him? And she said "Why should I fire up this big old Bar B Que grill for just one little weenie like that!!" 934. Three flies
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed into each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. 935. Whiskey A guy walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of the best whiskey in the house. The bartender proceeds to fill twelve shot glasses and stares , puzzled, at the guy as he begins to drink them down, one by one. As the guy is finishing the eleventh shot, the bartender asks, "What's the occassion?" The guy says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob!", as he finishes off the last shot. "Well," says the bartender, "in that case, here have one on the house " and he fills another shot glass. "No thanks," says the guy, "If twelve didn't get the taste out of my mouth, one more won't!" 936. The vibrator
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises inher bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
After the wedding, the bride's dad took a taxi to bankruptcy court. As he got out he said to the driver, "You might as well come too."
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The new lumberjack after months of cutting timber in a most remote area asked the foreman what they did for physical pleasure. The foreman stated that 'the barrel' located behind the shed did quite nicely. The new lumberjack pressed for details and the instructions were to insert his member into the hole located on the side of 'the barrel'. And that he could do this any day of the week except Thursday.
The foreman replys,"You can use 'the barrel' everyday of the week except
Thursday because on Thursday it's your turn 'in the barrel.'"
It seems the gentleman had over-imbibed at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
"Are you Mr. _________?" the asked? He admitted that he was.
"Where you pulled over at ________ last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside was the state troopers car.
I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side. |