KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Four surgeons were taking a coffe break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to opperate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangable."

A small boy walked into a men's room. He saw a sailor in full dress uniform. The little boy got really excited, and asked the sailor, "Are you a REAL Sailor???"
The sailor replied, "Why, yes, son, I am. Would you like to wear my hat?"
The little boy said, "Yes!!" and put on the hat.
A Marine entered the bathroom.
The little boy, very excitedlyasked, "Mister, Mister, are you a REAL Marine???"
The Marine answered, "Yes, son, I am! Why, do you wanta suck my dick?"
The little boy exclaimed, "I'm not a real Sailor! I'm just wearing the hat!!!"

Warning! The following may be hazardous to your health. Consult your doctor before attempting any of the actions listed.

1. Make sure your wills are in order.
2. Move close to check if you're with the right partner.
3. Lock walkers.
4. Mash dentures.
5. Get nurse to guide you to a bedroom.
6. Remember to ask nurse to leave.
7. Grasp whatever you can reach easily.
8. Remove as much clothing as you can without getting exhausted.
9. Place bodies together and hope they remember what to do.
10. Ring for nurse to resuscitate your partner.

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

A stern father was taking his little son Johnny for a walk in the park when a honeybee landed on a rock in front of them. The little boy stepped forward and crushed the bee with his shoe. The father said, "That was cruel, you'll get no honey for a whole year."
Later, Johnny deliberately stepped on a butterfly. "Just for that," his father said, "you'll have no butter for a year."
When they returned home, Johnny's mother was fixing dinner. As they walked into the kitchen, she spied a cockroach and immediately crushed it.
Johnny looked at his father impishly and asked, "Shall I tell her, Dad, or will you?"

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

"I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend.
"I gave a poor beggar $25."

"Thats a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did you husband say?"

"He said, 'Thank you'. "

Retorts her husband :"That's so true. But I was in love and didn't notice."

The next day he received 100 responses.

They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Man who is not qualified keeps pesting this taylor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job. Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody is interested in it. Owner: "Yes, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest."
Two hours later the new guy call his boss for his next assignment. The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he witnessed the new salesperson bleeding, scratched and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling. "Congratulations, the job is yours. Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit. But what in the world happened to you." Salesman: "Thank you for the job. Oh, the man loved the suit. As far as my injury he had a real sensitive seeing-eye dog."