KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Another man walks into a bar with a big Parrot on his shoulder and a leprechaun(spelling?) following close behind. He sits down, orders a double of the most expensive whiskey in the bar and two packets of peanuts. One packet he openes and gives to the parrot that immediately starts to eat with his paw. The other packet gets thrown to the leprechaun. It falls on the floor and the leprechaun picks it up, openes it and starts throwing the man with the peanuts. It falls in his whiskey, in his hair, then he throws the parrot. Eventually the peanuts are finnished.

The man finnishes his whiskey, orderes another one and two packets of peanuts. The one is opened and given to the parrot and the other one gets thrown to the leprechaun. He picks it up from the floor, openes it and starts throwing peanuts again.

The barman had a look at the situation and could not help but ask. "Excuse me, sir. May I ask what you are doing with a parrot and a leprechaun and why he is acting that way?" he asked, pointing to the leprechaun.

"One day I walked on a beach and picked up this old lamp which I gave a good rub. To my surprise a genie pops out and grants me three wishes and this is what I got." the man said.
"So what did you wish for?" aksed the barman.
"I wished for three simple things:I asked for a $1000000 (Rand is not worth anything) and a coulored bird with a little cunt and this is what I got!!"

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West.
4. During each traverse
a. Catch each animal seen
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those who do.

Operations research consultants can measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant hunting strategies, if someone else will identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his staff will try to ensure that all elephants are completely prehunted before he sees them.
If the VP sees a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

These are from actual resumes: (CVs)

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, 'can I speak to Alf, pleas?'
'No, there's no one called Alf here.' The person hangs up.
'That's irritation,' says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.
'No...there's no one here call Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police.' End of conversation.
'That's aggravation.'
'Then what's frustration?' asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time, 'Hello, this is Alf.
Have I received any phone calls?'

Three couples, an old couple, and middle aged couple and a couple of newly weds, went to a church, to speak to the priest to ask if they could become members of the congregation. The priest said they would first need to show their commitment to joining, by abstaining from sex for 2 weeks. They organised to talk again after the 2 weeks. Upon returning, and being asked whether they managed the two weeks, the older couple replied that it was relatively easy for them, since they were older. The middle aged couple said it went alright, but after about 1 week, they slept in separate bedrooms to remove the temptation. The younger couple, however, said that they only lasted 2 days. The priest asked them what happened. The husband said, "Well, my wife was reaching up to the top shelf to get a can of baked beans, when the can dropped to floor. She bent over in front of me to retrieve the can, and that was when I just couldn't resist anymore, and we did it right there and then." The priest, looking disgusted, asked, "Do you realise that you are no longer welcome in this church anymore ?", to which the wife replied, "Do you realise that we are no longer welcome in Woolworths anymore either ?!!!"

On arriving at heavens gates, Harold noticed a group of people to the left of the gates having a good time. They were singing, dancing, drinking and there were a lot of woman.
He turned to St. Peter and asked, "what's the party all about?".
St. Peter answered, "Those are the gates to hell."
Harold asked, "Why should I go in heaven if it's so much better in hell?
Just look at that party."
St. Peter replied, "That is your choice. If you rather want to go to hell than heaven, suit your self."
So Harold left the gates of heaven and entered hell. When he got there he was ushered downstairs. On arriving at the bottom he was given a shovel and he had to shovel coal in the tremendous heat and was whipped and beaten. Finally he couldn't take it any longer and he demanded to see Lucifer. When Lucifer arrived he asked why he was bieng treated so terribly when there were people on top having a party.
Lucifer replied, "Oh, that's our marketing department."

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the Lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the Lawyer.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day,it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. Then it suddenly gets -very-very-quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK?
The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.

The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die.

After dressing, he drives very cautiously to work, fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the postman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."