KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling,too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said to myself, "Well, that's wives for you." The children will remember.

The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office ,y secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss - Happy Birthday!" and I felt a little better - someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, "By george, that's the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do you?"

I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment.

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. I allowed her to do so, as I didn't mind at all. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday.

I was sitting there in nothing but my socks....

There was a blonde named Candi. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. So one day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. With her new car, she went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepherd over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.

"Well, thank you," said the herder.

"Tell you what... I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

"Okay," replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman.

"Sure."

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382."

"Wow!" said the herder, "That's amazing. You're exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

The herder watched this and then said to her, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you."

"What's that?" she asked.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither cleric is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says, "So you're a Priest, that's interesting. I'm a Rabbi... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Priest replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!

The Rabbi continued, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Priest.

The Priest shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Priest.

The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Rabbi replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

Two guys are on duty at a French Foreign Legion fort. One says to the other one, "See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air." The other guy says: "No, way!" The First guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches between the camel's legs and crashed the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.

A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy: "I bet you I cam make the camel nod his head to say yes." The second guy says: "You got me last time, but there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head!"

The First guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says: "Remember me?"

The camel nods ...

A guy comes out of his house to see his neighbour digging a huge hole in his back yard. He leans over the fence and, out of curiosity, asks his neighbour, "Why are you digging the hole?" His neighbour replies, "To bury my cat." The guy says, "That's an incredibly large hole for a cat. Why such a big hole?" Replies the neighbour, "Because the cat is inside your Rottweiler!"

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He run towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT !!!!!!!........."

Lesson: Think twice before you say something, but sometimes accidents do happen.

A couple decided to stay at a very exclusive, hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the corning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprised to find the owe $3000. 'How's this? We've only been here one night!' the man was annoyed. 'So?' said the manager, 'this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.' 'But we didn't use any of these!' explained the couple. 'If you didn't use - that's your problem' came the reply. 'In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill,' said the man. 'What do you mean?' the manager was taken off guard, 'I didn't sleep with your wife!' 'If you didn't use - that's your problem!'

Two crows were sitting on an old water-pump handle by a horse trough. Summer was fading fast and it was starting to get a mite cold.

"Brrr! It shore gettin' cold!", said the first crow. "If' I had something to eat, I'd start flying South!"

"Ditto for me!" said the second crow.

Just then, a horse came over to the trough to get a drink. While he was drinking, he dumped on the ground.

"Well, Lookee here!" said the second crow. "Looks like we might be leaving soon after some lunch!"

"Uh-UH! No SIR!" said the first crow. "Don' tell me you're gonna eat that!!?"

"Why not?" said the second crow. "Ain't getting any warmer here, that's for sure! Freeze or fly, take your pick!"

With that, the second crow hopped off the pump handle, pecked out a few grains of food from the horse's generous gift, and, feeling better, flew off toward the South, only to crash to the ground after flying a few hundred yards.

The First Crow, still sittin' on the pump handle, couldn't make up his mind what to do. Finally he'd decided it was too cold for him too, so he hopped off the pump handle, pecked out some for himself and flew off to the South, falling to the earth dead after flying a few hundred yards.

The moral of the story: "Don't fly off the handle when you're full of crap!"