the social was last night...but where was i?.. home, crying.
it seems that through everything, i'm still the one in the end with the empty feeling.
he said that his parents wouldn't let him go. i accepted it. i believed him. amazing how when you put your feelings out for someone, you end up trusting everything they say. so, anyway...i found out that he was going with this girl kristin(of whom i totally hate).
my theory is that he lied about the social to me from the beginning. and when he found out that i might be going to the social, he had to cover in case i saw him there...so he said that he convinced his parents to let him go. but in reality.. he had asked her from the beginning. and instead of him feeling guilty about hurting my feelings, he lied. but it seems that he's hurt me more by lying to me.
right now, i'm just in another down kinda mood. no ambition to get dressed.. no ambition to do much of anything. i don't have that excited feeling about christmas rolling around anymore. the old me has died.. and all that's left of that old thing is this hardened shell of a person.. who shuts people out when she doesn't know what to do...who ignores her feelings and just thinks about that world without her inside of it.
i don't know what to write anymore..i dont' know what to feel, who to trust, who to love, who to talk to, who to look at. i don't know much at all. it seems that you can only depend on people unless you pay them to be there to depend on.
i'm quitting dance. no longer a ballerina...in fact.. i'm nothing. i'm just there.
lola mentioned something about the junior prom... but if i can't even get a date to the social.. how am i gonna get a date to the prom? no one will go with me.
i was reading my horoscope in another shallow teen magazine friday morning(before i learned of garrett's truth), it said that male leos(which garrett is), will fool around with girls at the moment.. but they won't find true love until the new year. all i could think was that.. maybe it was me that he'd find. that was the optimism coming out. i should never let that out...
being optimistic just leads to disappointment.
"well it's these little times that help to remind, it's nothing without love."
