October 26, 1999

Well, i said that it was going to be some time before i got back here. And even though shevette managed to weather Hurricane Floyd as well as can be expected, she says that she's had to spend a lot of time recently with someone else online who was in more desperate need of her time. i was kind of hoping to wait until she had a drawing for me to put up here, but i guess that will have to wait for later.

In truth, i feel like i have been failing myself in my journey to womanhood. Due to what could happen in my "real life," i can't go into much detail about many of my personal situations, but let us just say that i am lacking a good deal of independence in my life right now. My transformation into a woman is, in fact, contingent on that independence.

Recently, though, i have become more and more obsessive about that quest for independence, and that obsession has led me to, at times, neglect my quest for womanhood.

Part of this transformation i am undergoing is radical modification of my behaviors - walking, talking, sitting, eating, almost everything in my life. i'm trying to change those behaviors slowly, so that when i finally "come out" to the rest of the world, the changes in me won't be quite so abrupt, either to myself or those around me. But because i've obsessed about my independence recently, i haven't been working on those things, and in some cases i'm finding myself regressing back to my old male mannerisms.

The real problem i have is time. Right now it's difficult for me to find time to think straight, with all the other pressing things i've got going on right now. If i could just get some of these things surrounding me finished, get some of the weight off of my back, i think i'd be able to go back to working on my blossoming into womanhood.

It sounds ridiculous in a way, and i know that. i am most uncomfortable with the gender which was genetically assigned to me, and i am 110% committed to having the changes made to me so that i can finally make me comfortable with myself. It's not like i don't have reason to be worried about other things right now. Like i said, my independence will be necessary before i can complete my transition. But the fact that i've neglected my development feels like i've betrayed myself, and i feel very bad because of it.

That's why i had to get this entry in my diary. It's been over a month since i wrote, and i figured that writing in my diary would be a good first step in reaffirming my commitment to my change. i especially made time out of my day to do this, although there are other elements of my transition which demand my time as well. (i am SO overdue for a pedicure at this point it's not funny.)

If you remember what this site used to look like back when Master Cloud was a part of it (and a part of me), you know that i am very submissive. Unfortunately, while my older sister shevette may be helping me a great deal in making my transition, she does not want to be a disciplinarian to me. That may be the problem i have right now, is that i don't have someone providing that discipline for me.

shevette's motives in not playing that role are noble enough: she wants to make sure that what i am feeling right now is real, and not just a sexual fantasy of mine. She wants to keep me grounded in reality, and make sure that what i want is womanhood and not, as it is known in the community, "forced womanhood." i can appreciate her for that, but i really do need that discipline that someone in that role would provide. And since shevette is my best friend when it comes to bondage-related things, she would be the best person to do that for me, especially since she's already playing such a supervisor-like role in my life right now. But if she does not want that role, i must respect her wishes.

Anyway, "real life" unfortunately calls me to other things right now, so i must drop off here. Hopefully shevette will be back in contact with me soon, so i can continue work on this site. More importantly than that, though, i must continue my transformation with or without her, and now that i've at least done this much, i feel confident that i can find even more time in the future to work on the other things.

Kisses, slave aeris

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