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Episode 4: Starry Eyes for Subotai!

From the gates of the Genji household, Reiko watched the flight of horse and riders as they swung overhead.  She heard a loud splash from inside. Pushing the gates open, she started to run.

Just as she expected, they were in the  the courtyard garden's carp pond.

Now her eight other cousins came pouring out of the house, looking with amazement into the pool.  The normally clear waters were now black with mud and were bubbling and steaming slightly.   Presently there was movement, and
the pile in the middle began to untangle itself; Hotaru desperately trying to wipe the mud off his fine clothes, Subotai grimacing under his dripping whiskers, and the horse Conan wallowing delightedly in the muck.

"Oh my," Reiko said.  "I think we had better help these poor fellows."

She and the other eight cousins advanced to the pool's edge and extended their hands.   Hotaru was hauled up first, then Subotai - where was Subotai?  Hotaru looked back and saw the ex-Unicorn still in the pond, the fingertips of one hand just touching the fingertips of his cousin Haruka. Subotai's eyes had assumed the form of fat pink hearts beating in triple time, and his mouth was slack and fixed in a decidedly silly grin. 

His cousin looked no better; her eyes were all misty and shining, and a smile of utter mushiness lit her whole face.  In fact, she was slowly beginning to levitate while mushy theme music played from some mysterious invisible source.

Behind them, Conan was gawping in stupid horse puzzlement. 

Hotaru coughed.   "Ahem!  Well, er, AHEM!  Haruka, my dear cousin, perhaps you should help that handsome stranger out of the pond and get introduced properly before making eyes at him like that?  Haruka?  Helloooo?"

Haruka's elder sister Michiru stepped in front of her, waved her hands experimentally inches from Haruka's nose, then turned to Hotaru shaking her head.   "Sorry, Hotaru-chan, there's no reaching her right now."

Reiko clapped her hands.  "Oh, how romantic!  Love at first sight, have you ever seen such a thing?!  Why don't we all go inside and have some tea? Wait, no, I have a better idea - why don't we introduce these two with a tea ceremony?"

A single large sweat drop appeared behind Hotaru's head, fortunately out of Reiko's view.   Reiko wanted to play hostess again - Reiko, the klutz, the violent maniac, the most culinarily challenged of his (with one exception) culinarily challenged cousins  ....

Reiko might not have seen the sweat drop, but she certainly saw the thought bubble forming.   "HOTARUUUUUUUUU, you jerk!"  A huge mallet appeared in her hands and Hotaru went sailing into the stratosphere for the third time in less than ten minutes.  Not to mention the nth time in this crazy PBEM. Reiko blinked.  What was a PBEM?

In the meantime, Conan had gotten bored.   Still dripping muck, he ambled over to Subotai and Haruka and nuzzled the girl's hand, hoping it held a sweet.   Now, there is a law of physics that clearly states two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time.    In the one occasion where this anime followed the laws of physics, Subotai disappeared - and the spell was broken.

"Oh, naughty horse!" cried Haruka in dismay.  She took the reins and led Conan out of the way, revealing a flattened and gasping Subotai underneath.   Michiru and Maki then  hauled Subotai up, just in time to clear the pond for Hotaru's landing. 

Reiko shot a warning glare at her errant cousin.  "Now, Hotaru-chan, why don't you introduce our guest to us and get ready for the tea ceremony?"   A phantom hammer floated above her, with the clear message: don't you dare
refuse!

The introductions were made, and Hotaru endured a repeat of the dreamy scene starry-eyed scene between Subotai and Haruka.   There were Setsuna the elegant courtier, Haruka and Michiru the duelists, Hinako who wore two wakizashi like Hotaru, Maki the artisan and the only Genji cousin who knew anything about the kitchen, her sister Emi the poet and calligrapher, and Asahi and Chibiko the shugenja.   He was glad when they were through with all nine cousins, giving him and Subotai the chance to change into clean clothes.

When they came out again the main hall of the house had been laid out for the tea ceremony; all the utensils arranged just so, an ikebana arrangement in the center of things, the garden doors opened, and Reiko in a gorgeous kimono presiding over the kettle and mixing implements.   The rest of Hotaru's cousins had ranked themselves, kneeling, around the table leaving the places closest to Reiko (and Haruka) open.

Reiko bowed  formally.  "Irrashai-mase!  Would you do me the honor of sharing tea with this humble person?"

Subotai bowed back and answered for them both.  "We are honored to accept your invitation.  Arigato gozaimas."

Reiko led them to their places and they knelt.  The other "guests" bowed from where they were, first to Reiko as the host, then to Hotaru and Subotai.   More bows, then Reiko began mixing the tea.   With precise, infinitely graceful movements that amazed Hotaru and impressed even the tea-master Subotai, she took each guest's bowl, spooned green tea powder from a plain brown-glazed tea jar, poured in the hot water and whisked the contents into frothy green tea.   Elegantly she offered the filled bowls back to their owners, made one for herself, and bowed.

Everyone ceremoniously took up their bowls.  As Hotaru lifted his, he became aware of an aroma that did not seem right for green tea.   He started to shoot a suspicious glance at Reiko, noticed the tea powder jar, and broke into a cold sweat.

Before anybody could notice him, however, the front panels of the hall caved in with a loud splintering.   "HOTARU, MY BELOVED!"

Paying no heed to the splinters and paper scraps strewn all over his armor, Hida Nakasone marched in with earthshaking tread.   The first thing he saw was Reiko, frozen in consternation with her tea bowl cupped in her hands. Nakasone jumped to the only logical (for him) conclusion.   "Hotaru, my love!   You should not have troubled yourself!   Oh, but my heart is ready to burst with joy - you have welcomed me with a tea ceremony, which can only mean you are ready to accept my love!   Yes!  I shall be honored beyond all description to take tea with you!"

From behind the walls, a handsome young man in hakama and haori, with a bokken in one hand,  turned away in disgust.   "Urgh!  That sounds baaaaad," he spat.

A pigtailed girl suddenly appeared beside him.  "Hey Kuno!"

"My pigtailed goddess!  O my beloved!  Come thou to me and we shall make the very heavens ring with wondrous music!"

Subotai scratched his head.   *Doth mine ears deceive me, or are those two fools verily cut from the same mold?*   Then he caught Haruka smiling shyly at him, and his mind went spinning away again happily into the Void.   They took each other's hands and looked into each other's eyes ...

Nakasone strode the last few steps to the dais and took the tea bowl from the still-frozen Reiko.   "I drink to our love!" he cried, then drained the bowl in one gulp.

Nakasone fell silent.

His face purpled.

His eyes went wide.

Twin puffs of steam shot out from his ears, then from his nostrils.

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"   Nakasone reared back, raised his face to the heavens, and emitted a roaring spout of flame from his mouth. 

Subotai stared in shock, rudely torn from his starstruck contemplation of Haruka's eyes, then got a nudge in ribs.  Hotaru was silently holding up the brown-glazed jar from which Reiko had made her tea.  On its sides were painted the characters Wa, Sa, and Bi.   A humongous sweat drop appeared on Subotai's brow.

Togashi Jo Shimito literally popped out of the woodwork, his termite tattoo still glowing.  On his face was an expression of dumbfounded awe as he stared at the flame-spewing Crab.   "You have returned!   Behold," he cried, "the first Togashi is come back to us! The Dragon is reborn!"  Then; "But ... O Most Revered First Ancestor .... forgive my impertinence, but why did you have to come back as HIM?"

The reincarnation of Togashi paid his supplicant no heed, though, but instead took the straightest line to the garden and the carp pond.   Which line, coincidentally, Jo Shimito was standing in.   When Hotaru and his cousins tried to examine the damage, they found an  ukiyo-e poster of a tattooed man pasted on the tatamis, drawn in the strange twisted pose common to the ukiyo-e style.

Hotaru and Reiko watched Nakasone drain the carp pond then crash through the back fence in search of yet more water.   They smiled at each other.   "Thus fare all those who dare offer insult to the Butterfly!" they pronounced 
through the microphones that had suddenly materialized in their hands. "Takahashi-no-kami is all-powerful!  O Sweet Anime-style Vengeance!" they sang.

Suddenly Hotaru paused.  "Now waitaminnit," he interjected, "weren't you expecting me to drink that stuff?  Reiko you klutz, what did you think you were doing?!  Can't you tell the difference between wasabi and green tea, you ignoramus - "

*POW*

"Hotaru, you jerk!"  Reiko called after the rapidly retreating object that had just gone through the roof.

Maki stepped into the host's place.  "Reiko, dear, please help me make and serve some new tea while we wait for Hotaru to come back."  She smiled sweetly at everyone, and was soon able to restore a relaxed atmosphere to the room; perhaps more because of the fact that she was the only one of the Butterfly girls who could be trusted to cook, or make a proper bowl of tea, than anything else.  The tea served, trays of sushi were produced and leisurely savored.

Subotai picked up a particularly choice tidbit and turned to offer it to Haruka, and found she was thinking exactly the same.   Smiling into each other's eyes, they tenderly popped the morsels into each other's mouths. Then, again in unison, they put their chopsticks away and went back to holding hands.

"Oh, Subotai ..."

"Oh, Haruka ..."

Strawberry jam and honey began to drip ickily from the rafters.

"Haruka-san," Subotai said earnestly, "my heart is smitten with you.   I can never look at any other woman again.  Wilt thou marry me?" 

"Oh Subotai," answered Haruka, "how could I even think of refusing you? From the moment I saw you life without you had become unimaginable!" 

The flow of strawberry jam and honey became a deluge, forcing the rapid evacuation of the house.

The sun was setting as they came out, and with infinite sadness Subotai realized he had to leave.   Bidding a long and affectionate farewell to Haruka, which the author dares not describe lest he throw up on his keyboard, Subotai collected his swords and led Conan to the gate.   He swung into the saddle with practiced ease, shook the reins to get the horse moving,  turned to wave one last time -

And Conan gave a violent start, throwing Subotai off his rump and onto the ground.

Subotai glared at the offending animal.   "You dare call yourself a horse!" he shouted angrily.  "For shame!"   He grabbed Conan's reins, turned the animal in the right direction, and essayed to get on again.

Again Conan bucked him off.  Subotai landed hard.

"Oooooh," Subotai rubbed his head where it had struck the ground.   "Perhaps I was in error.   Conan, please forgive me!  I apologize!"   He caught up with the animal, which allowed itself to be pacified.   Then he put his foot in the stirrups and got in the saddle.

Conan promptly threw him off again.

Subotai landed even harder this time.   He stared at the horse, scratching his head in puzzlement.  Conan had never thrown him off before, and three times in a row was certainly no accident.   "By Shinjo," muttered Subotai, "if you weren't a horse I'd swear you were jealous!"

Jo Shimito appeared and put a companionable arm over Conan's neck.   "My dear friend," he said soothingly, "I know it is difficult, but please remember that Subotai is a man and you are a horse.   It was simply not meant to be ..."

Conan and Subotai together punted him into the stratosphere.

Only then did the impact of Jo Shimito's words come home to Subotai.   There was something wrong there ... something very, very wrong.   Subotai tried to figure it out, but it wasn't easy with Haruka leaning over him and fussing over the bumps on his head, which put the opening of her kimono right under his nose.   As he tried to stifle the inevitable nosebleed, Subotai reached enlightenment - and he knew what was wrong.

Conan ... was ... not .... a mare.   Quite the opposite, in fact.

Subotai shivered.   *The horror .... the horror ....."

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