Willy Wonka.....

Granter of wishes or.....

Bloodthirsty slave driver!?!?!

Many people consider Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to be wholesome entertainment that the entire family can enjoy.  But, have you ever looked beyond the slick veneer that envelops Willy like so much candy coating to the nefarious beast that lurks within him, enslaving an entire population to do his dark bidding?

Those poor defenseless Oompas.  There they sat in the lush, rolling plains of Oompa-Land, living out a pacifistic lifestyle characterized by strong family unity and total devotion to furthering the Oompas as a race.  When, out of the blue comes Mr. William Wonka, an avaricious businessman who saw an "Oompariffic" opportunity by exploiting the good nature of the region's indigenous folk.

    Wonka began his subversion of their race by overemphasizing the "imminent danger" presented by the Vermicious Knids and WangDoodles of the area.  While it is true that the Vermicious Knids did enjoy the tender flesh of the Oompas, their attacks were few and far between, and certainly posed no immediate threat to the community as a whole.  WangDoodles were, in fact, an invention of Mr. Wonka's.  They were loosely based off of creatures Wonka discovered in books on Oompa mythology.  In Oompa beliefs, the WangDoodle (or Nehtzri, as the Oompas knew them) were the vindicative right hand of Asweh (the Oompa god of fertility) sent to purge the land of the sinful. 

(Artist's conception of a WangDoodle)

   Between the lies about Asweh's soldiers returning to destroy the land, and Willy's legion of heavily armed guards, the Oompas were soon shackled, chained, and locked into the cramped, stinking hull of Willy's barge, on their one way trip to Wonka's Slave New World.   Only 30% of those onboard survived.

    Conditions at the factory are no less deplorable.  Oompas are beat and tormented by their cruel captor on a daily basis, forced to work 18 hours a day, and subsist on nothing but stagnant water and stale bread.  Their quarters are cramped cement rooms, approximately 4'x4', with no electricity, no plumbing, no beds, and no water.  An average of 10-15 Oompas are forced to share each room at a time. 

   The female Oompas fare no better.  Oompa milk is a valuable commodity at Mr. Wonka's, so the females are selectively bred in order to produce as much milk as possible.  Those that are infertile or have stopped producing milk are escorted to the Killing Floor, where they are summarily executed, one by one, with a single bullet to the back of the head.  The carcass is then processed and used in the making of the Wonka Scrumdiddliumptious Bar. 

  For the unfortunate Oompas that could not survive the harsh conditions of Mr. Wonka's "care", it's too late.  But it's not too late for the rest of our Oompa friends.  I beg of you to write, fax, phone, and harass Mr. Wonka until he ceases his senseless exploitation and sets the Oompas free.  Help us help the Oompas.   Thank you for your time.

Aww, come on, you know you're curious......