This is where it all started.
Go Back 20 Years Or So
November 20, 1975 "Thoughts, the will to think" MF
I started this book because many times I have had exciting thoughts and if I wrote them down on a single piece of paper they would be lost for sure. To start this book I will have to tell you a little about myself if you are to understand any of it.
I live in Mentor, Ohio on Hayes Blvd. off Ohio St. off 306. I go to Lake Catholic High School. I swim on the West End "Y" Swim Team. I enjoy Math and Science mostly advanced but not too advanced. I usually make predictions, fantasize and create drawings of strange objects or mechanical devices. I design houses. I love to figure out unproved facts (or if they're proven, I don't know about them). My hobbies are collecting coins, listening to rock albums, raising fish (or any other pet for that matter), shooting off rockets (when I feel like doing these things, but not all of the same things at the same time), playing Monopoly, Swimming (as I mentioned before) and that's about it. Oops I like to read Science Fiction, and this writing may show it in some places.
April 1998
Thoughts, the will to think. That's a very nice comment on something most people take for granted. Yes, beings on this earth have the ability to reflect on their actions. One must pray that that reflection will influence growth and development of each individual. In fact, your comment strikes me as being a bit odd to be presented as a revelation. In any case, I am glad that you have discovered self reflection, and I hope many others will be introduced to this concept.
I too like to swim, read, write and listen to music. Perhaps we can discuss this further at a later time.
November 21, 1975
Here I sit in study hall, no homework to do, so here I sit writing in this notebook. I am straining my brain to think of something interesting to write in it.
(10 Minutes later)
OK, Thought of something!!
1) If you have an arc can you find the size of the circle and the degrees of the arc by some arithmetical equation?
Find the length AB by the use of ruler. Use metric. Do you know the answers? I am going to work on this one at home where I can use a compass, protractor and ruler.
2) If a rocket that weighs so many grams, has so many newtons of thrust, aimed at some angle. What is the equation used to figure out where the rocket will land if the wind factor is zero and the air resistance is A.
If additional information is needed or if the information doesn't make sense (It should, there aren't many numbers used) I will make corrections later.
3) Theory: Einstein said that nothing but light can travel at the speed of light (c). But I say light or radio waves are made up of electrons, protons, etc... So is matter. You may have to change matter radio waves to make it go that fast but it will be possible. My problem is how can the radio waves be converted back into matter?
April 1998
1) If you draw two perpendicular lines, one from two different points on the arc they will intersect at one point, the center of the circle.
2) If you sum all the forces acting on the rocket, Thrust, Air resistance, Gravity and areo dynamic lift, the resulting vector will yield the force applied to the rocket.Taking this the initial position of the rocket and the initial velocity the trajectory and the timing can be calculated.
3) Oh, to dream. In my youth I had such dreams. I always dreamed the world would be the way I wanted it to be. It wasn't until much later that I learned the restrictions placed on us actually provide many of the challenges presented to us every day. These challenges make life very exciting.
November 24, 1975
At this time my worry is that Bill Dunn (our swim coach) doesn't even know what's going on in the effect of our swim team. He thinks that we are great, but he has a surprise coming. He thinks that AAU doesn't exist, but you look at all the good swimmers and they compete in AAU. He would have never get a team even worthy to compete in Regionals.
April 1998
Some people believe competition is meant to be fun. Maybe he doesn't think winning is the worlds greatest lesson, there are others. Team cooperation, getting along with one another and learning how to lose gracefully are important as well. Just remember to try your best.
November 25, 1975
Nothing to say.
April 1998
That's a very interesting comment. I believe you felt something in your heart and you wanted to express it, but when you attempted to write it down you couldn't think of a way to express yourself.
December 12, 1975
The base 26 number system:
a = 0 b = 1 . . . w = 22 x = 23 y = 24 z = 25
That was an example how a base 26 number system. This may not mean anything at all to you but try to figure out this code:
it = 219 = 8 *25 + 19 we = 554 = 22 * 25 + 4 cool = 4036 out = 9269 far = OK = eat = us =
April 1998
This is actually a very simple code based on encoding words as units. If you were to give the space a significant value, for example 0 and begin a=1 you could encode entire sentences as very large numbers. This is a very crude encryption algorithm.
December 13, 1975
Saturday Night is all right for fighting.
Guess what happened today? Well it had to do with swimming. Today we had a meet at Talmage. The bus ride there wasn't bad and I got all psyched up for the Medley. We had a 2:03.34. The time was great, 2 seconds off Regionals. and this really got me psyched up. I knew I could do just great in the IM. I did the first 2 laps of fly with no problem. I think I loafed a little because the kid next to me kept up with me. So I put out harder on my back. I crossed under the false-start line and glanced to my side. I was a body length ahead and was gaining more. I hit my turn perfect and was heading back. I think I glided to much into the wall but it didn't matter much, or did it. Breast was next and I was tearing. I got to the end of the pool everyone was yelling, this made me push harder still. I was on breast still and I glanced at the clock, 1:50 at my turn. Just think if I could pull a 30 for the 50, I had the record. I poured it on, my arms felt like lead. I struggled to the end and flipped perfectly. I noticed that kid was catching and I realized how slow I was going. I made an effort to pick up speed. I managed to get ahead of him. I won the race! The thing was I had 2:27.??. Don't get me wrong, it was my best time, but I couldn't understand a 37 split for the 50. But just then I thought about how far I was away from the wall when I saw my time. Since it was my best time I couldn't wait for the 100. I was very, very tired from the IM but I knew I'd live. The thing is, "How would I feel in the 100?" and " Would I get enough rest?" I was soon to find out because they were swimming the 50s already. I watched Alice swim, but Lori won. I was really psyched and I was yelling 'till my voice went hoarse. Fly was swum and the 100s just started. I stripped down to my Lycra and put on my cap. We flexed and I found I was to swim in lane 1. The whistle blew and we were on the blocks. The starter said " Take your marks". I was about to false-start, but too late the gun went off. We were off in the water. I sprinted as hard as I could. I took a breath and heard the fans roar. I stuck my head in the water and pored it on. I flipped perfect and took a breath. Nobody was close, but I was going for time, the record (55.7) to be exact. I flipped a little to close to the wall, but I pored it on more to make up the time. I flipped the last turn, closed my eyes and moved like crazy. When I hit the wall I stood up and heard someone say "56.8". My heart sank, I didn't want to look at the time board, but I thought I'd double check. The time board read: Lane 1 Place 1 Time 56.14. I was happy and pleased. I felt like I wanted to do it again yet I knew I was too tired. Then I went to the stands. Some of the people said that they had a 55.8 for me on their watches, others said that the guy timing was late with his watch. What could I do? There was no evidence but I think I'd use the 55.8 on my entry forms instead of the 56.14. Wait! That's not the end of the meet, there was still the free relay. I was super psyched and Regionals. is a 1:45.0. I cheered a lot but spent most of my time talking to relax myself. The 500, back and breast went by and the Free Relay was up. I was to go last. Scott went first and false-started. He was off and had a good split. Mike Laurich had a 28. Schuster was off, I went up to the block at his flip. I started leaning at the backstroke flags but I held up because we had the lead. He touched, I left and burned before I knew it (about 10 seconds) I hit my flip. As I burned through I tried to catch a breath. A wave broke and down it came into my mouth. I spit it out and tried to burn and get it over with so I could cough it out. It was painful but I kept going. I hit and coughed up all the water and managed to look at the time -- 1:48.3. Just think, 3.3 seconds and we got Regionals. I got out of the water and walked to my mom. She had taken the splits. She showed me the watch -- 24.4. Wow, great, superb, magnifique.
The next stop was McDonald's and everyone was starved. The bus ride home was very much fun. When Bill Dunn said "of course many small objects will fly through the air, the Juniors will pick up all the scraps... The rest of the team will help the Juniors." That set the stage for the greatest spitball fight of the century, Using smuggled straws and napkins it was like monkey island and the zoo. Mr. Bezzily was hit. He got mad and told us to stop. They stopped for about 30 seconds to hear him and again we started. Mark McCloud got hit in the face and got mad (He's 16). He was on an excursion to get straws. When he stood up and was hit by almost everyone. I didn't like shooting at the little kids (it wasn't fun). So I aggravated the older kids (Mark 16, Bob 16 and Todd 17). I hit Mark and Bob mostly because Todd was asleep (impossible). Mark got mad and came up and tried to take my straw (heaven forbid). I handed it to Jim Fakalt who handed it to Mike or Danny who in turn handed to me. When they found out I didn't have it. Soon they figured this out so Mark took me and Bob took Jim (too bad). I had to revert to some other way. So the next time I stuffed the straw into my mouth. When they found I didn't have it they let me go and I was back to shooting again. Jim made a great dare, he said if I would run back to Mark and shoot him in the face he'd give me a dime (not worth it). I said OK, because what could happen that was too serious that I wouldn't live. I did it, I got back and requested my dime. As I shoved it into my pocket I turned around and there was Mark. He hit me a few times and I finally managed to put him in a head lock. This wasn't any problem, he just picked me up and walked of with me clung around his neck. I finally gave up and let go. This didn't stop me though. I enjoyed this because it would be boring otherwise. I may have excluded some items that may be of interest to you but you see I got home from the meet at 10:15 PM. I turned on my record player and its 12:33 AM (Good Night).
April 1998
This is a very exciting story.
December 15, 1975
Jim just made me write this:
" My very best congratulations to Jim Fakult who had a 1:23.6 in the 100 Breast stroke." (It's a swimming stroke, not what you think.")
April 1998
Don't you think that you should write things down the way that you see them and forget about the critics. So you forgot to write about Jim, is this Jim's account or yours? Let Jim record his own experience in his own way. If someone becomes important to you and you feel like writing about them, then you should, otherwise, you should decide for yourself what you should write about.
December 15, 1975
Here I sit in Theology, the best class of the day (Ha Ha). Just think if she calls on me now, I don't know what she's talking about. What's this? Oh, it's a paper that says: "Christ's Emotional Self" So what does that mean? Who really cares? This isn't a class on emotions it should be a class on theology. Like Miss Stokich (Mrs. Black), I heard many kids talking about flying kites for final exams last year. I presume that the final for Goretti will have a test that will take two class periods. And it will ask questions like these examples:
1) Are you Emotional?
2) Name the emotional stresses on your life.
3) What temperament was Peter?
4) What is Cholic, Sanguine, etc...?
Notice how it starts out easy and gets harder. Notice the dumbness of #1. What's this? A paper on anger. She said read it and be ready. Be ready for what? Oh no, there's the tone (change classes). What do I have to be ready for? So she says I wasn't listening and that's my tough luck. The thing is she never finished the sentence.
April 1998
Learn to ask questions. You are writing these questions down for no one else to read. You should go ask your teacher what she means for you to be ready. Asking questions is not a sign of weakness, instead it is a sign of strength. It shows how much you have been following along, and it shows that you are interested in the material being presented in the class. So go back and ask that question.
December 26, 1975
Your right, its the day after Christmas. Christmas was great. I got a strobe for my Minolta, 6 records, some science fiction books and finally I got some new clothes. These were all great gifts and I can use them all. THIS WAS A GREAT CHRISTMAS. If you think was good, wait for tomorrow's entry. I am bringing my camera for a better remembrance.
April 1998
That's great, now you can illustrate your journal.
December 30, 1975 11:31 PM
I am here writing of the last week I spent on Christmas vacation. I'll start with Friday night. I was at my brother's basketball game. It was a tournament and it wasn't very exciting. My brother didn't get to play because it was a close game, but they won.
After that we went to my Aunt Peggy's house for dinner. We were late but we still ate leftover chicken. We met sam. He was a giant poodle. We sat around in the living room talking about our family. We left there at about 12:30 or 1:00. When I got home I set up the recorder to record some albums for Saturday.
Saturday I was up at 5:45AM. I ate breakfast, finished getting ready and we were off. The next stop was the corner of 305 and Rt.2. This was where Mr. Schuster was to pick me up to take me to the North Canton Christmas Relays.
I'll continue tomorrow because it's late: 11:48PM.
May 1998
I know what you mean, its late here as well. I am sitting here listening to Bruce Springsteen, while I am reading what you have written and contemplating life. I can see how some of these important events in your life mean so much, while others seem so insignificant. Which of the two events mentioned above is more important, visiting the relatives or the swim meet? Which will be more important when you look back on it 20 some years hence. I am just thinking about the importance of events in our lives in general. Sometimes the importance assigned early on will take on a new significance as time marches on.
December 31. 1975
Well, as I continue my story from yesterday. We got into Mr. Schuster's car and we turned on the cassettes all the way there. When I got there we got changed and headed for the gym. Soon enough the team congregated around the place (with a sign stating: West End Y) in the corner of the gym. Some of the kids were just sitting around waiting for warm-ups and the others were playing some sort of game. I decided this would be a good chance to get a team picture. I went into the locker room and got my camera. I came out and took a good picture. I shot a few more and heard it was time for the boys warm-ups. I put my camera away and headed for the pool. The water was freezing. I did a few laps and a few flips . I got out and there was Paul. I talked to Paul as he told me about how he tried to do his paper route and get ready to go at about the same time. After that we went to the gym where they were calling event 2. I was in it. We sat down and rested while we waited. We were seeded 4th and didn't think that we were in for much more than 3rd. We walked into the pool area and stood behind the blocks. The girls (who I let use my camera) took pictures of each of us while we swam. Eric Schuster was off in the backstroke 1st. He pulled our team into 3rd place. Bob (remember the spit ball fight) was out breast stroker. He pulled a gigantic lead over all the other teams. We were in first and it looked like we had it with ease. But, it was my turn to do the butterfly. I was in the water swimming away. But, a thought occurred to me, if I kept swimming this fast I wouldn't have any energy left to finish the day. So I slowed up a bit. Before I knew it I was approaching the end. I looked up and Mark was off. I got out of the water and looked at the girls who couldn't operate my camera. So I told them to advance the film. They did this and found out that it worked so they told me to pose for my picture. Meanwhile Mark was finishing the race. I turned and looked. We won the race. Yea! Yea! Not only that, we set a meet record. We went into the stands and got our splits. I had a 1:03.5 by Jim Fakults watch and a 1:05.5 by Mr. Schuster's watch -- impossible. But later it will be proven that I had a 1:03.5. We went into the gym and picked up our awards. I told Alice to hand them out, but not to let anyone have the medal unless they kissed her. She kissed me back and we went into the gym. Eric came by and Alice told him to kiss her. He wouldn't and so he just walked away. Mark and Bob came by and she just gave them the medals. The only reason we did it to Eric was to bug him.
The next event was the mixed medley relay.
January 1, 1976
(Shortening the rest of the story)
We were standing behind the blocks and Alice kissed me good luck. I kissed her back. I was doing freestyle (the last stroke). We ended up fourth overall and got ribbons. Next was the Butterfly relay. In this race Alice promised to kiss me if we won. The race started and by the time it was my turn to go we were 11 1/3 yards or 34ft. away from winning. I was off and by the time I got to the other end of the pool I could see him so I pushed harder still. When I finished we had lost by 3 tenths of a second. Not everything was bad, I had a great split -- 25.8 and Alice still gave me my kiss.
Next was the 400 yd. Freestyle Relay. We got 2nd but I didn't get a kiss because Alice was mad at me.
In the backstroke relay we got 3rd. Then there was a break and I talked it over with Alice and we made up. We had a long talk and we went into the gym to listen to tapes and take pictures. Finally the mixed freestyle relay came up. I went last and caught up. We tied for 3rd, but got 4th by a judges decision. When this was over we went to the car and road home.
January 5, 1976
Study hall today is average. I just finished writing my half page for Goretti. I sort of got carried away and wrote 1.5 pages. I certainly hope that she won't take off for that. Besides that the school day is fine so far. Oops, there's the tone -- on to Science.
May 1998
It sounds to me like you are a very motivated student, are you writing so much because of your interest in the assignment, or because of your own self interest. What is it that motivates you to do what you are doing? Are you acting out of something other than grades. What are your goals, and what are you doing to reach them?
January 8, 1976
Why cannot anyone move faster than the speed of light? Look, if time slows and slows until it reaches the speed of light (c). So if c is the medium then if space and time are relative then if you increase past c then you fall backward in time according to the velocity exceeding c. Maybe this is not true, but I want to believe this because I want to create my first theory on time travel. How can you come to an excess of speed? Easily, the faster an object moves the more mass, soon enough the mass will be great enough that the object will not move any faster.
May 1998
I see that you are frustrated with the facts of physics. What you wish the world to be and what it is in reality frustrates your view of the future. The speed of light only limits how fast light travels. Relativity gives us more than just limitations, it gives us possibilities. Relativity tells us that we can get anywhere we could want to go within our lifetimes, limited only by the energy we can supply to get there. Not only that, but Relativity also tells us where to search for the energy we need to do this. Relativity tells us that the matter around us is the energy we need. It also tells us the fate of the universe. The universe will be turned into electromagnetic radiation in the end.
January 15, 1976
This is a history class and tomorrow are finals, so he gave us today to use for a study period. So I will use the rest of the page for doodling since nothing else is interesting.
May 1998
Don't you think you should be studying for a history test?
January 17, 1976
Here is my actual factual on the scene report of what happens at this meet. First I'll rephrase you on what happened so far. At 12:00 I left the house for the "Y". Not much was said in the car except that my dad said that if I was to better any of my times I would receive a quarter. You know what that means, it means that I am now a professional athlete. I am being paid.
We reached the "Y" 15 minutes early, but still there were people there. I walked down the hall to the trophy case and looked at the pictures, trophies and other awards. Alice came and we walked down to the gym. We talked a lot about nothing. We went back upstairs and found that it was more crowded.
They told us to sign in for the buses. You should have seen the buses, they looked like green school buses. We sat down and this little fag named Dan Gauntner sat down. Don't get me wrong, his sister isn't that bad. Dan must take after Eric Schuster, they make a perfect pair. I wonder when they will announce their marriage.
Back to the story. Well, he/she sat down next to Alice making it all the more crowded. We tried to get him/her off and then Alice pulled his/her hair and he/she decided to remove him/herself from the area. By this time they were boarding the buses.
Of course they would have to separate the buses (boy/girl). They should have been separated (older/younger) kids. I traded some rubber bands for some food because I was hungry. Then I sat down and began to write in this notebook. Since I don't have anything else to write just yet I will close this book until I have something else to write down.
January 17, 1976
First of all, my name does not happen to be Mike Forbush. Instead it is Jim Fakult. I'm writing to tell you of my day in Talmage. Second of all (or rather first, but since I said first of all already I'll start with second of all). So back to the story I got a really good time in the 200 IM. My time was 2:47. It might not sound very good, but I hardly ever do the 200 IM. So don't laugh. I did a %$*$%#@*!! time in the 100 breast. (Not what you think.)
May 1998
Do you think it is right to let others write in your book?
February 2, 1976
I feel guilty about not writing in this book for a while, but lots of things have been happening so fast and I am trying to calm down so I can get psyched up. First of all I am trying to make Nationals. Second, I am trying to keep my grades up. Third I feel kind of strange like I know I can do both but everything I do is a disaster. The only thing that has worked out since I wrote last is that I got an A+ on a Religion project. That didn't really work so hot because I came up with a B- for the Semester. Now I looked at what I wrote in this notebook a couple of weeks ago. I think that I did a 1:01.2 for the 100 butterfly. It was the worst pool in the league. Disasters happened all day. Mark McCloud ripped up his face on the bottom of the pool. Laura Mog hit ripped her heel and everyone else got bumped and bruised etc... What's wrong? What can I do? At Painsville I set the Junior backstroke record, but I couldn't get excited. Last week, or really two days ago I did the 50 free. Nothing happened, I mean a 25.0, right on. I did that 3 weeks ago and there's only five weeks to the Nationals deadline. I got to get going. (As I write this I notice an inner tension releasing. Maybe I should write on.) I know I am being rushed and pushed. Next Saturday and Sunday is the Berea "A" meet. I should make nationals in the 200 butterfly, the 400 medley relay, the 400 free relay and the 100 butterfly. I've got to "get down". The bad thing about this is I feel like I am coming down with a cold. At this time I have another proposition. It has to do with the 200 Medley relay. I figured out that this new way: Forbush,back; Reed, breast; Mann, fly; Millet, free comes out 4-5 seconds faster than the old way. My dad says that you can't just come up with a new relay, instead you must challenge for the new position. This means that I have to challenge Shuster for the backstroke position Reed needs to challenge Laurich. This is fair because neither comes to practice often. It is getting late, in fact it is 10:58 PM now. So -- Good Night! (What a relief)
May 1998
First of all, don't feel guilty about not writing. You are writing for the pleasure of writing. When writing is no longer a pleasure then it is time to stop and evaluate the situation. Write when you feel like writing, because writing when you feel the dread of writing will lead to a piece of shit. But, writing about how you feel sometimes helps you to understand what is driving your reactions. I can feel your frustration in the tone of your emotional dump. You are beginning to learn the politics of any human organization. Sometimes people don't realize the value of team sports until much later in life. Learning how to move the political structure may be more important than your failure to qualify for Nationals. Learning how to deal with the failure to qualify for Nationals may be more important than qualifying for them. This may be hard to imagine with your goal specific focus, but the lesson could help you later in a more difficult failure.
When I was a graduate student I had to deal with a much rougher failure, the failure to pass the qualifying exam for the Ph.D. program. Previous failures taught me to pursue my goal with ever more effort, instead of giving up. I knew I had failed in the past, and then succeeded by exerting even more effort. I knew I had another shot at the qualifying exam, and I knew by studying even harder I could pass the exam. In the end I did pass the exam and went on to earn my Ph.D.
February 15, 1976
My Birthday's Eve.
Today wasn't the greatest day because our dog, Whiskers, died. He was really sick for a few weeks, so it may have been better for him than all the suffering. Besides that, my birthday party was today. I got four neat shirts, two pair of pants and two records. The records were Kiss -- Alive and Aerosmith -- Get Your Wings.
Yesterday we had a swim meet against North Canton. I couldn't get psyched. I must have used it all up at the beginning of the year or something like that. Bill Dunn says I am platueing, but something else must be wrong. I cannot see a 1:04.0 for the 100 butterfly when I did 1:01.2 in the worst pool in the league. I've got to get down before our next and last duel meet, not to mention the Pentathlon. I wish that someone who had already gone through this would tell me what to do. Another thing was my 100 back. I was four seconds off my best time in that as well. What's wrong?!?! I have gotta solve it in less than six days. I hope its not to late. THINK! THINK! THINK! THINK!
May 1998
Well, happy Birthday! I am sorry to hear about your dog. It sounds like you had an enjoyable birthday party otherwise. It sounds to me like you are putting a lot of emphasis on the emotional component of your race. You need to remember to put as much emphasis on your physical conditioning. You can do this if you remember to focus, not just think. You need to direct your focus to swimming and school and forget about the distractions.
February 16, 1976
My 15th Birthday.
Things really started out great today. Since we were off of school today I could sleep in. My dad forgot that we had a free day and he woke me up. Besides that we spent the day at the Mall and Uncle Bill's. I got another album: Gary Wright -- Dream Weaver. It's a great album and I'm listening to it right now. Nothing bad happened yet, but I am wondering what will happen at practice tonight. In fact, if it is unusual enough I'll write about it.
May 1998
I guess I don't understand, it's your birthday and something bad is supposed to happen? I wish you would elaborate a bit more. I really hope the rest of your day goes as well as the first part.
February 26, 1976
I forgot to write about it. It wasn't so bad. Since it was my birthday Scott Mann threw me in the pool. He really got me good.
What I was actually going to write about is very personal. But, no matter what, it's what I think. Not only that, it has a tie-in to a dream.
O.K. Here's how the dream went. I was in this big locker room getting ready to swim. There were four doors. One I just came through. This one was on the far wall. (I will draw an aerial view of this room below.)
The second was to the same place as the door I suppose. I didn't use door 2. I was completely naked and my curiosity was aroused to door 3, so I went over there. As I came to the door I first looked through, then I walked through. I noticed about 5 girls that were partially naked. I walked over to them and started to talk to them. But then a teacher (Mrs. Bruggerman) came over to me and said, " Go into the other locker room." But I first went over to see what was in door 5. I found that it was another entrance to the pool. The instructor or coach struck me as a teacher type although I can't place the name. I then walked toward the showers and noticed a few girls showering. Then I went back through door 3. I headed toward the bench where my stuff was and a group of girls came in. A few went to the lockers and started changing into their suits. The others came up to me and started talking. (They asked me if I was new.) One girl caught my attention, she looked great. I sorta said "Lets go to the corner" or "Want to fool around?" To my surprise she said "sure." So we went to the corner and she said, "Let's lay on the soft carpet." She also told me to undress her. She told me to let my hands run wild and I did. She did the same and we were in a locked embrace.
That's the end of my dream but it was such a great story that I thought that with this beginning information I could continue this story from my imagination. Another thing that struck me was the great freedom that everyone had and no one was embarrassed. If this was more relevant there would be less secrets which would decrease the amount of wars, fights etc... In fact, the human race would probably merge as one sex in which ANY two people could produce a baby in reproduction.
May 1998
I am glad you wrote about your dream. Of course these dreams happen to everyone and they are part of growing up. When it happens to you, you find yourself wondering about how special the dream is to you. Well, the specific content of the dream will vary from person to person, but the sexual nature of the dream happen to everyone in one way or another. This may be natures way of telling you to look at the opposite sex and consider the opportunities. These dreams may actually foster an unrealizable fantasy, if you imagine something unobtainable. At your age, everything should be unobtainable, at least for a year or more. The boundary between obtainable and unobtainable changes with time, and as it does so does this fantasy of unobtainability.
March 3, 1976
At this time I am upstairs in my bedroom, the usual place where I write. My dad got all hot and hairy because of a deficiency report in Science. (I was just called down stairs.)
Now my mom is saying all this about my capabilities. I just can't see why I should spend 2 or 3 hours on something I can't stand when I would gladly spend 2 to 5 to 8 hours on something exciting like astronomy, chemistry, physics, math, algebra or trigonometry. Now me are studying the rock formations of the earth and stuff like that. Its all right and I do believe that I am doing better than at the beginning of the year. The problem is that Mr. Micco, our earth science teacher, is grading harder and harder. This is unfair.
Today at school in theology we were discussing " The Diary of Anne Frank" and since what this book is forming into is a Diary. It was originally meant so that a year or so from now I can look back on this book and see how I thought and what I felt or visa versa. So, I'll put a little more of what I think and feel down right here:
I really THINK that I could do well on the track team. My best events should be the 220 and 440.
I THINK that I really want a girlfriend that I could relate to. Alice Layton is really a bundle of problems. Now that swimming season is nearly over Alice probably won't come to practice any more. I really like Ann Hiess but now she wears a back brace. She will wear this for two or more years. So, I don't want to get involved with her. Actually, I would like to find a nice girlfriend that I could talk to and also goof around with. I have seen many people just find one, but I think this is really difficult.
I FEEL that if you have noticed that since the beginning of this day 3-3-76 I have been printing. I started printing since the day that I got a letter from Dave Watson. I have been printing letters to Alice and Ann since then.
So, there are a few of my thoughts. I think that these might be insignificant to some, but they play a role in my life at this time. I have homework, and a few letters to write, so that's all for now.
May 1998
From this short passage I can see there are a few things you are having trouble dealing with. You do not yet understand why it is important to learn things you are not interested in. In fact women are not always interested in the same things men are. You do want to learn about some aspects of women, but you will have trouble unless you are willing to learn about the total woman, not just the pieces interesting to you.
I can also see your lack of ability to express your feelings.I believe whether or not you have been printing is relative to what you are feeling. You really must learn to express yourself. I believe you are miss using the words THINK and FEEL in a blatant way. You may believe you have the abilities to do well in track, and you may want a girlfriend, but do you THINK it? You should know it at this point.
March 13, 1976
I have a thought and that is what this book is for -- so here it is:
Maturity, what is it? Most people claim maturity happens when you learn to control yourself. That counts out 98% of the people on the earth. Just look at how people gossip, drink and smoke. The other people that are left can not have any fun because fun is not considered to be mature. According to this definition no one is actually mature. How many people can you think of who can actually control themselves?
By the way, I am coming out of my slump and I've got to absteigen. Tomorrow is the big day and I've got to get psyched. I wish something magnificent will happen.
Some other things that have happened are: Cindy Villani wrote me a note that I swiftly acknowledged. She will probably return me a letter Monday or Tuesday. (Mom, don't read this next part until 1980.) Last Thursday, I served a detention for Mr. Micco. It was a lot of fun. (Ha Ha) He told me to add up all the numbers between 1 and 150. He also said that if I finished I could go home. I made a mistake right away: I put 36 + 9 = 47 instead of 45. After about 45 minutes of making mistakes and only getting to 50 I decided to slow up and take my time. After that I didn't make one mistake. I was finished at 4:30-- An hour and a half of work. Would you like to hear some other things like the pin-up of Miss October or the brick of fireworks. Well, I won't bore you with these facts. It's just that I wanted to mention them here. Maybe when I re-read this I'll know what I'm talking about. Right now I'm going to get psyched up for tomorrow.
March 27, 1976
Ann hasn't written back in a week. I wonder what's eating her. What could be wrong? She used to write back every night. Now, since I wrote last I waited for her reply. We still talk a lot, but it seems different. I wonder if it is something I wrote or said. I haven't had any good dreams lately, but I sure wish that I would. Another thing is that lately I feel different. My attitude is changing. My dad's attitude is also changing. He is getting very selfish and everything that I say he contradicts it and makes me sound as if I offended him. I would like to get a girlfriend, but this is a problem, since I don't know if any girls like me. I have a few ideas about who I would pick and here they are:
1) Sonja Balli-David
2) Jan Gasel
3) Jan Mossier
4) Ann Heiss
Ann Heiss has a neck brace so that would rule out dances and other fun stuff. I don't know if Sonja still like Greg Popelka. And both Jans are sort of shy, although I am trying to get to know them better.
By the way, I got 11th in the 50 yard freestyle at the YMCA Regionals. with a 24.7 seconds. Our Relay got 9th with a new team record. Mansfield is next week and I think I am slumping a little. I am sorry this is such a short summary of such a long time but I can't think of anything except the fact that I certainly would like a girlfriend that I could go to dances with and confide in.
Absteigen and Auf Wiedersehen!
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