Go Back 20 Years Or So
September 24, 1977
Last night I saw a vision. (Had a dream) It was pretty far out, meaning outer space. It was pretty cool. It was
like a movie. It had a plot. It had, most important of all serveral pretty cool ideas. First of all the ideas.
There was a space station that had just been completed. It was orbiting the Earth and many qualified people were
waiting in line for an oppertunity to go to the space station. Somehow I managed to get a permanent occupation.
(To be continued later.)
September 25, 1977
The government managed to get the people to pay to go into outer space and work there, because it was such a privledge.
That might have been pretty cool to talk the people into paying. Anyhow, the best idea that I had found in that
dream was that there was a dome on the space station. The dome broke up all of the light waves from the sun into
the bluish sky color of earth. It gave it an earthy look durring the day.
September 26, 1977
I don't know now what else was in my dream. I can only remember interesting facts. That is probebly because I now
only see some things as being interesting. Instead of all things are interesting. My memory is growing short. I
feel as if I am living in spurts. It's strange, I have to recall things mentally. Thinking reflexes feel so slow.
I feel apart, distant from the world. Maybe someone who can understand how life is supposed to feel like can tell
me if this is wrong or right. I feel as if I am acting in a dream. Sleep living. Or, am I in contact with myself
only? I need world contact to experience it all. Every possible experience is mine to be had, remembered and charished
forever. To be related to other human beings. The problem is that it is almost impossible to remember all of your
experience at one time. Your life flashing before your eyes syndrome must be ultimate think if you could think
with the speed of a computer. Remembering each digit.
Life is strange
Ununderstood by all
Clear to some
Coudy to others
who can tell
what is a dream
what reality is all about.
Outgoing are some people yet others like myself must find myself must find myself before going outward looking
for more souls to save. If I can't save my own, what can I do for others? At times it seems wrong to be pent up
inside myself. People get angry if I don't recognize them at first glance. Why are others so important? I know
that the time will come when I realize this but I guess that deep down I am a loner.
Each new idea causes puzzlement within my mind. My consentration wanders with every new idea. With that idea I
am aquainted with what my sister does. She askes the question, but doesn't wait for the answer. Therefore, she
learns absolutely nothing. The mind must function orderly for it is a precision instrument. Scholastic work is
normal, but the sense of thinking is different. Strange, really strange.
In rereading some of my previous work and noting mistakes that I found found. I mainly forgot some minor words,
this happens when writing quickly. So, I give the editors the right to add the needed words to allow this to make
sense. The most important parts of this journal are my poems. Although the story ideas are good, and the historic
information is excellent. The bits and pieces range from uneducated guesses to excellent perception.
October 6, 1977
Time is short, work is great. Time must be spent constructively. Sleep
is relished. Good Night.
October 10, 1977
Insight, the seed of creativity must be produced by a flower. In the report, project, I am doing for Sister Roberta.
The flower is Rock and Roll. Therfore there is evolution of thought. This evolution is built on progress.
October 12, 1977
I had an excellent dream. It was some kind of cross between a nightmare and a victory. Hopefully you will understand
this better after you read this.
We were driving down 152nd street by my Grandmother's house. I was talking to my mother about something and I suddenly
remembered that I needed a book. My mother suggested going to the library by my grandmother's house. Then we just
passed by, because the library wasn't there. Finally, my mother said, "Let's go pick up something at the grocery
store." (So far this is very normal.)
In the grocery store there was a kid, about 4'10" or so and he was very bright. This kid scared the hell out
of me. He began moving things with his mind.
Then I went to talk to this girl; this little kid (about 9th grade) disliked this intensely. He kept making things
happen to me -- most of which I can't recall and others are hazy. The only thing that I could think was that he
was a ghost or something of that nature.The way he pursuaded me was really creepy.
The set outside the store changed to a somewhat more residential area. Walking down the street I met this girl
and then I looked across the street and noticed David Feldkamp. Walking down the street behind me was that little
kid again. David tried to make some type of verbal pass at the girl. I, by this time, had figured out what the
little kid wanted. He wanted chicks for himself. I began to explain to David who the little kid was and what he
he was doing to the girl. I was interrupted and I said "watch this" as the little kid knocked a box off
the roof with his thoughts. It hit Dave in the head and he said "now look what you've done." Then as
he felt his head and said, " don't worry, its only a hole."
The girl said "that kid is psychic." The kid came over and acted like a hot shot. Another girl walked
by and said to the kid, "I saw that." I still felt uneasy around the kid. The gils asked him what color
tuxes he had in his bedroom.
He said, " Three patterned grey, brown and tan. The girls said "wow." Instead of fear, I began to
sense hatred. Suddenly I felt strong. I could handle that little shrimp. I just use that gut feeling and stood
up to him. He fell through a window and then he began to run. The dream was really strange although it may not
sound that way. It was an emotional dream. I really liked it though.
October 23, 1977
There comes a time, as I see it, when one must make decisions. Not that I haven't for the last 16.5 years. Its
just that before not much was important and that which was very important. I mean, like, when every day would go
casually by and I would actually think about very little.
(I wonder what triggered the first thought in my head. I don't know for sure, but the first thing that I remember
contemplating was a blue ceiling. It was like, there it was. I think that that was because when I was very young
I thought about what was the first thing that I saw. The first time I remember trying to figure out remembering
something was when we were at Teceviks celebrating _______'s first communium. Meg was a new born. (I am awful with
names.))
Anyway, if something inportant would come up, such as fighting with Henry in the car on the way home from the store.
I could remember actually thinking about it. Now it is all different I have overcome almost all fears. This is
done by simply not caring. I mean, I just don't care to much about life. Of course if something interesting happens,
I do it. (I am thinking about recently putting a new speaker in the van.) If it doesn't work out I don't care enough
to do anything about it. Now I am interested in putting my energies to use. I have been thinking and I realize
that I don't have a goal in life. All that I have is a bunch of interests and nothing more. They are not hobbies,
because I don't spend much free time on them. Swimming really seems like it has all been done. (Except Nationals
etc...) I'll never make it to the important meets with an attitude like that. My attitude resembles that of a Hindu
Samana who tries to lose his mind from his body. The only way that this can be accomplished (without drugs) is
by fully denying the world. When I do lose my mind from my body, my mind functions in Greek thought. This happens
to often, my consentration is thrown off key and I have trouble thinking about many things at once. Examples of
this can be found in my life when I begin to daydream about the outcome of something and lose concentration in
what I am doing. That is the problem that I am suffering. Now, but how do I solve it. The way that I solve my problems
is ussually very extreme and this would not be good for me.
October 25, 1977
Some people act and then think about it. Other people think about it but act wrongly. Yet, others think wisely
then act wisely. But if you don't care and you still have the knack for thinking you end up thinking about one
thing and doing another. The story of my life.
October 31, 1977 HALLOWEEN
One short one -- The most dangerous thing that one can ask a person who is high is: What is the real meaning of
awareness in ones life? If the person does understand the question it will puzzle him or her until the person is
sober again. The person will go on questioning if he is really aware of the nescessary things. While pondering
this question the person the person will wonder things like: Am I acting normally? Is this morally right? and the
answerless question What is the meaning of life? These questions may entrap the person and he may not listen therefore
making the person feel even less aware. This will provoke more questions which entraps the person even deeper.
All though the first question must be presented in the proper manner in order for this to be true for all people.
Therefore this is only a hypothesis, not a postulate or even a theory.
January 1, 1978
I don't care what anyone says, no matter how old I get I won't lose interest in doing things. Walking around the
Mall or walking around the block, traveling to Washington or Wickliffe, wiring a telephone or putting up a basket
ball hoop, I don't care, living is doing things and not vegitating around the TV. My adolesent view is to get out
of the house and no matter what I will try my every opportunity. I know that this phase of life is not natural
and my resistence is normal. But, someone please tell my parents. I feel like a caged animal, I want to explore
the world and the problem seems to be that my parents restrict my needs and natural strains.
Today I will tell the story of my misfortune. I know that every person alive has a different perspective on life,
so I will tell the facts as I see them and the way, I believe, my parents see them.
Sunday on the way home from the swim meet I told my mom that I wanted to go roller skating on Tuesday. My mother
says, "I don't know." I believe that she wasn't really listening. Monday I told my mom that I wanted
to go roller skating on Tuesday. She says, "Maybe, we'll talk about it tomorrow." I figured that she
would let me go because it wouldn't be any problem to her. I mean, when I was younger she would have to drive me
there and back.
Tuesday when I got home and I asked if I could go roller skating we had an arguement that happened every time I
wanted to go anywhere.
Why do you have to go roller skating?
1) It's a social function.
2) Why not?
3) You did when you were my age.
Why is it on a school night?
1) Why not?
2) I don't have any homework.
How are you getting up there?
1) Either by driving
2) or you can drive
3) or I can get a ride.
Will you leave early?
1) Why?
Finally I asked and complained because that works the best. It was set that Henry and I would go up there, pay
our own way and come home at 10:30. Then, bad news broke. Henry came home and stated that he couldn't go. My mother
said that I couldn't go. My mother said that I couldn't go because he couldn't go. I'll tell you, that was the
poorest excuse that I ever heard. I figured that she was afraid that I would act crazy or something. I don't know,
but I probebly screwed up everything with Lisa. Lisa Calovini is this really nice Freshman Chick.
If any one wants to know, I'll tell them, my school grades are being screwed up because of chicks. It's because
I am going crazy. I can't ever talk to one. I can't go to any social functions. I day dream to much and I lose
concentration because of this. The solution is simple, but my mother must really be afraid that she is going to
lose me. Or some other bull shit.
Auf Wiedersehen.
November 3, 1978
I reread some of this journal and I see that I can remember what I say, although I have said some very important
things. I'll tell you, its really strange, it is so strange. How my ways of thinking have changed so much.
I also just saw a program on TV and I think that it expressed love perfectly, the way that I feel about it right
now. It was the 2nd program of "James at 15." I really can't believe how his life parrallels mine, except
they broaden it to make it interesting. I mean, he is really rich compared to me, therefore I am more limmited.
Do you know what? I need a friend, I mean I need a really close friend who will share these experiences. The first
step, I suppose, would be to open myself, and believe me I have tried. Its like a real habit and I can't break
the shell. I always fall back into this journal.
I remember at one time I said that I tought to much. I probelly meant that I contemplated unsolvable problems.
I never really thought to much of earthly problems. I still don't and I may never.
By the way, after rereading my journal, at least a little of it I find that my life in High School is really the
boringest thing ever. But, I can't write what's not true because life is the truth and the truth is life. Like:
Life if and only if truth.
English is pretty desent -- we are reading The Last Days of Socrates by Plato. I like it, because it helps to show
me that some people can think the way I do. The lesson that I have learned is that I must slow my flow and concentrate
on seeing as much of everything that I can and understand that I know very little about anything at all. The trick
is to retain this knowledge and live by the word. Ha Ha, good luck, back to my main thought, I need a real friend,
one that understands me.
November 6, 1978
I am back to being confused. I read a lot of my previous journal and agree with some and disagree with other parts.
The best statement in the part that I have re-read is: "You must live life to the fullest and do what you
believe as long as you don't harm another person in any way, mentally or physically." I know that this is
an important thought, although I had completely forgot that I had said it, but it has more restrictions than I
had thought about when I first wrote this thought. The people that I don't want to hurt most are those that are
the closest. Therefore, what they don't know will hurt them until they do know. So, by living by this philosophy
I must not let my parents have knowledge of anything that will make them hurt.
That is so funny, I talk about my family life so seriously, but in a few days it means very little. Is that because
love is of the moment. Science is of all time, therefore knowledge always means something but emotions mean little
after they are gone. A quote that is read of a person crying hysterically doesn't mean the same a year later.
Times relationship to life is very different and probebly is not realized until age 30 or beyond. It is a frame
of mind, and there are so many frames of mind. A person must look at a thing in more than one frame of mind. This
must be difficult for many people, I know it would be difficult for me. I am saying that that would be the idea
way to make the propper dissisions. By looking through each emotion.
November 8, 1978
I wonder for midst our hands lie a spy. For I am being pressed for the most precious of lifes, for the answer,
for the truth. Ist thou a person amoungst thee or thou? For or against? For to live is the truth and if thee is
to wonder then thou hast cast thyself amongst the wolves. They will tear and claw until only the relative form
of a human has been lost, yet saved in a new life.
In other words, curiosity killed the cat. This is because the sighs had been left and the cat wished to know more
and more and even more until he O.D.ed. Knowledge is a great gift yet it is not deserved for all. In fact it is
not deserved by those that do not have the right, the privledge or the fact. Therefore, life is for those who take
the chance?
November 10, 1978
The more you learn the less you know, but the wiser you get.
November 14, 1978
I just thought of a pretty neat story and this is how it goes:
There once was a small city state existing somewhere in Greece in the BCs somewhere. They had two common belifes,
one major and one minor. The major one was that you should do everything for the other person and nothing for yourself.
This worked out fine until King Alloot came to power. The king organized the town into a few sectors and gave each
group a job. This lads us to the minor belief which was that no one knew any one elses trade, because there were
many trade secrets.
The flaw showed itself when the farmers all grew their food and gave it all away leaving themselves with nothing.
This lead to the starvation of the farmers and with their death they took the secret of growing food to the grave
along with the secret of raising livestock etc... That's the end of the story. I guess it was interesting, but
it needs a little work. The story says that if the farmers die the rest of the people die. I the contropositive
correct. If the people live then the farmers live. Think about it. Of course, if the people are living they must
be supplied with food produced by the farmers therefore the farmers must be living. Probebly living on the beer
produced by the Brewers from the wheat given to them by the farmers. Thinking about it this could really be a good
system. There are many flaws, For example, the automobile worker couldn't drive to work.
Well, closed for now.
November 16, 1978
I just read a Greek poem and I thought to myself: It must be true. The more educated you are, the more possibility
of being remembered by others. Yet, no matter how long dead and gone you are there is a record left that someone
will remember you. At least in modern day. Yet, really only a select few reach immortality.
Should I ask why or what?
Socrates or Aristotle?
I have a Greek mind with Eastern Oriental thoughts living in a modern westernised world. People ask why the beliefs
go that way -- and I understand. Yet, I dislike Confusionism. Rest.
November 18, 1978
Why? Why isn't there more time in a life? More time to have everything plus one. TIME! Time to do what you want
twice -- three or four times. Time to think. Time to learn and have fun. Time to do all the possible things in
life, and eat, sleep, write... etc. It seems as though every day you must narrow down what you like and what you
like better. Why?
Why can't you like everything just as well. Treat everything as an experience, not good and not bad? Why the hell
do we call something good or bad? It must be with respect to misfortune or maybe some pure moral beliefs. Misfortune?
What is misfortune? Is it always bad?
Perhaps misfortune can be defined as displeasure due to circumstances. But displeasure is soon healed, well maybe
not always so soon, but eventually. And, all displeasure is ended in death. But, in the long run misfortune can
be good. Suppose a man won $100,000.00 and lost it later. The misfortune could be good because greed is an evil
ready to form in the mind of man. But displeasure is there.
Why cann't I talk to a girl who has the making of a philosopher?
November 19, 1978
Things I like:
Girls - Pleasure
Parties - Pleasure
Swimming - Satisfaction/Skill/Supeiority
Chemistry - Knowing
Math - Knowing
Logical Order:
1) Knowing - The most important thing is to know. This is because knowing
is what sets human beings apart from other animals.
2) Athletics - This is not as important as knowing, because this is closer
to the animal level. Animals fight to show superiority using skill and
getting satisfaction in victory as humans do.
3) Pleasure - A shear physical and emotional function. Complete animalistic
behavior. Opposite of knowing, therefore the least important.
So, is pleasure important?
There must be something to it. It's probebly not evil as some religions
say.
An interesting but impossible experiment would be to equip a computer with sensory attachments and a program for
gaining knowledge and a free will. Then study it to see if it seeks pleasure. It would be interesting to see what
a computer calls pleasure. We would then know if knowledge were the opposite of pleasure. Programming a computer
to react and reprogram itself would be very difficult indeed. Strange, very strange.
Pleasure must be important, because man must sleep. Sleep is a pleasure. So suppose that it is 1:00am and there
is a choice between studying and sleeping. Who wouldn't pick the sleep. Is sleep evil because it is preventing
us from knowing. It could take about 6 generations to learn what I could without sleep, eating or any other time
consuming pleasures. I know that this is absurd, but so what, this is my thought. Nanana. Immaturity comes easier
than knowledge, therefore it is evil. Well,
maybe not evil, just as bad as eating of sleeping.
November 28, 1978
We got home from Mount Vernon, Ill. today at about 1:45pm. My way of thought has changed slightly I think and that
its for the better. When I got there last Wednesday I felt buzzed. I was a stranger in a strange land. I didn't
know what to do next. What, where or when? I began to talk to Mary Pat (My cousin) and I felt that I was apart
from everything and everyone. It was strange and I was mentally not there. We went out to get some stuff at the
store and I felt that I couldn't remember anything, where I was or ways to find myself around. I couldn't remember
the simplest landmarks. I kept thinking that my mind was deteriorating. I think that I spent more time inside my
head than outside. I would mentally or psycologically block out the outside world. I really don't know why.
Then came the first party on Friday after Thanksgiving and a tour of St. Louis. This was good because I found out
that pot and booz don't really block your memory as much as I thought. I could play cards and remember rules and
album song and order. I could be fairly strait, or let my mind wander. I learned to enjoy myself and not analyze
what was going on and forget to interact. This was a new experience for me. At this party I met Dale, a girl and
a friend of Mary Pat.
The next day, Saturday, the last day of our stay was very boring during the day, because the only thing we did
was go to Dobbs, a discount department store. I noticed that I could remember more clearly, for example landmarks
with respect to where I was in the store. Mass was at 5:00pm.
That evening I let my mind wander and I thought that the vacation was over. Nothing had really happened, so I prayed
for three things:
1) That I should see Dale again before I leave.
2) That it should snow so that the vacation would be longer.
3) That I should enjoy my last night there.
I came home from church and Mary Pat was there to greet me. Aunt Pat said, "Don't you have something to tell
Mike?"
She was reluctant to say anything, but I egged her on. Finally she said, that she had set up a double date. She
had to wait for Rick to call, but somehow I knew that nothing would go wrong. We told everyone that we were going
bowling, but a party was really planned.
It was funny, but the house was empty when we got there. We got out the beer etc.. Then we had to go out again
because no-one was supposed to be there while the family was there. We went and parked, partied, and went back
to the house. Everyone just sat around and watched TV. I was pretty stupid, but it really cleared my mind. I will
probebly not be that stupid anymore. We went to Pizza Hut and thats when I found out that I could really think.
I worked out some puzzles and I found an error on my check. When I got home I think that I really surprised Mary
Pat. She probebly thought that I would never straighten up. But I did, it wasn't hard.
November 29, 1978
Logic must begin with a postulate. Therefore anything could be true based on the needed postulates. If you lived
somewhere where logic was based on different postulates you would not be able to live in this world. The same goes
for your mind. If your mind were to work like a computer then you could be programmed and deprogrammed in different
areas of logic. The way I see it now, ( which, as I've said before, may not nescessarily be so) is that the minds
of every animal species has been programmed to logic by a reaction of some sort.
If evolution holds humans hold the most programmed logic. I feel that a cat believes that it is superiour and holds
a high place although it may be frightened of humans as we would be frightened of dinosaurs, alligators, sharks
and snakes. Each animal believes (like us) that it is superiour. It follows suit that each animal seeks sexual
pleasure. This was probebly the earliest program. Room was left for improvement. Every mistake that was made was
covered up. This covering up created problems causing the need for developement.
This basic logic at the root of humans is that of developement. Humans must learn and know!
I wish I knew what makes a chick hot. I mean, how can you get her into that mood? How can you tell if a chick likes
you? I mean besides the obvious. I mean, sometimes they'll neck with you and sometimes they say NO! Sometimes its
sex but sometimes it grosses them out. Are they always that moody? Can you be honest with them or do you have to
bullshit them? Can you be crazy? I know some of these things for some girls, but then again every girl is different.
Is there a universal factor? Look at me, I am analyzing everything again. Can I ever act human? NO. Or maybe.
December 1, 1978
There are two worlds to live in, yet every person must live partially in both worlds. One is the world of thought
and one is the world of action. Which is more important?
Without action you are as good as dead. Without thought you are as good as an animal. In order to increase man's
superiority, which world should man increase? Thought, of course, that is what puts man on the plane above the
animals. Once man becomes satisfied with all that could be done on earth, then the only thing left is to think.
Yet, we are still in the process of acting, so action continues to be important. Debate.
December 4, 1978
Forget the past and remember what is new. Don't worry about the old is what I'm told and you'll find what's true.
December 5, 1978
I have said before that a wide interest span is impossible to support. I Therefore less interesting things gain
less support. I could very easily make school an obsession, but that's throwing common sense out the window. I
could just live for school, just live for swimming, or just live for the hell of it.
Either one I could become the best in my field, but that is stupid, because when you make that decision you narrow
your thought scope. Then you lose life, for you must remain open. It was funny today when sister Margariet asked
what was giving off heat energy in boiling water. I answered "rapid oxidation - I mean fire, or the heat source."
That just shows how my mind works. My memory works great and I could probebly restate the entire day point by point,
but that would be boring, So I'll just say that it snowed like hell.
December 10, 1978
I am pretty sure that I know what I have to do. I have to figure out what is supposed to happen, but I don't know
how, why or when. Really, I am back to where I've started. But, it has not been wasted time, for I learned that
your attitude creates your mental state and not visa versa. I also learned that I feared more than I once thought
- I feared people. In fact, I admit that I still do, even though I know its wrong. It must be because I fear things
that are unpredictable. People are, at least the way I think, the most unpredictable things in the universe. Yet,
they are predictable, and very much so, when you when you learn about each person. I must remember that most people
behave and react the same. I really don't understand this fear, and that is what scares me. I want to prove that
I can over come this fear, yet I should know that it is unnescessary to prove myself. I should act as myself, yet
something inside is pulling me to do something, something that would be unusual and different to break a normal
fear in everybody's mind. Like running through the girls locker room, like breaking a windshieldon a truck, like
running away from school, like knocking Wolf's head against the wall, like writing an obscene story as an underground
novel, like cutting lunch practically every day of sophmore year, like being a class clown in 6th grade, like plain
talking about sex to nearly everyone imaginable, like throwing John Helt against the wall in the middle of study
hall, like mouthing off in the playground
in second grade, like crayoning on the wall in first grade, like putting "79 is divine" on a desk in
huge print freshman year and probelly strangest of all begining this thought book freshman year. I could go into
detail on each of these incidents yet it really doesn't matter. This is my life, travelling from one thing to the
next. Remebering the bright spots, forgetting the dull. But isn't life the whole thing? Why do we forget the dull,
the comercial between the action? I will tell: life is the action. So, from now on I will try to begin (it as if
from past experience begin maybe be all I do) to know that I am the boss and what I do can make things happen.
Yet, I am afraid, because I love my parents and my parents are very sensitive to changes. By creating actions at
times it may become sticky. But, if I do direct my energies in right direction... Well, you never know.
People don't take to a change in ones personality. That must be why I don't have real friends. I am to unstable,
to radical, and to self centered. Nobody knows.
December 13, 1978
I can't believe what's happening to my life. It's my attitude - It's not like it used to be. I am living in the
dark. I do not observe, and that is dangerous. It is very dangerous. I think that I should begin to think about
the frills of life - not the psychology.
To begin:
Today Rick Anderson called. He lives in Berea and I know him from swimming. As usual we talked about 3 major subjects:
Sex and Drugs and Rock-N-Roll. Plus Swimming. It is funny how I can talk to him, I mean we are really friends,
because more about him than almost anyone I know. Strange, and I only see him once in an eon. Life goes on.
School wasn't all that bad today because I learned the name of this foxy chick that I've had my eye on for a couple
of weeks. Her name is Lisa and her friend (who is just as foxy and a little blonder) named Diane. I know her name,
sure, but how do I make an aproach? By "accident or by direct. I know that everyone is human and the world
won't stop because I make a mistake, but I am afraid of the pain. I am so afraid of the pain. (See how hard it
is to break the habit of analyzing the psychology behind my reactions.) One final word: Pain won't kill you. I
learned that from myself along time ago, when I wasn't afraid. I must learn to live this philosophy. That is the
hard part of life, living it. Yet, I cann't stop thinking: what will happen when I try to talk to her? Will she
kiss me off, or will she like me? As in science, you can figure on paper all you want, but you cann't be sure of
the answer until you experiment. Forget Philosophy.
December 15, 1978
Strange how life goes. I've got the emotion up, you know, the way you feel when you want to do something real bad.
I have found some goals, small at the beginning and larger as they go. I want to drop my times and I know that
I can do it. You just gottawannadoit and thats how I feel right now.
Thats just the good news and I have the boring or other news. As I haven't mentioned I am going to two dances on
the 27th and the 28th of December. Thats not bad, but I certainly did not hook any dream girls. I don't know, I
just must be to
friendly or something. I attract the girls that I don't care about one way or the other but the ones I like - NO
GO.
I certainly hope that they both have nice friends, but I do know that if they do they are already hooked. Sounds
hopeless, if you ask me. As time is working out, I began this journal #2 with a great Disco-Bowl and time is running
out in this journal. It looks as if I am going to end this one with another dance. Which one? I don't know if what
is coming up is good or bad but it'll really have to be something to top my great date in Mt. Vernon, Ill.
Excuses are a way of life and everyone needs them in his/her mind, but in reallity you could except things the
way they happen. I was just recalling today in school during Pre-Calc Miss Tedeshi, our teacher, told me to get
a student who had just left the class. I got up walked out into the hall and yelled "come back." It may
or may not sound funny, but the echo of my voice ringing through the empty halls was..., well... I didn't have
an excuse. I just accepted it and felt different. It felt like 6th grade in Miss Dodge's class - My best year ever...
so far!
December 18, 1977 1:00am or so!
I can not take it. I don't know what is important and what is not. Every person thinks that his own interest is
important. Even on a small scale this is true. Like, is it important to notice a certain piece of scenery while
driving somewhere? Then, someone's reaction when you didn't notice it is something like "What the hell are
you looking at?"
All this aside, I learned a lot today (12/17/77). Today was Carl Forbush's wedding. Carl is the son of my Uncle
Dick who is a brother of my grandfather Forbush (Everett). That's putting it simplely because all of this hereditery
stuff can be a drag. Any way, most probebly any one who would be reading this would be a relative in some way.
The Family is pretty interesting to study, in being that it is unique. Well, that's what we did after the reception.
We looked at old pictures and the adults talked about earlier life experiences. Every person lives a story of his
own and parts of the big story are always interesting.
I just thought that if anyone 100 years from now were to read this the names and places would be unfamilier. That
is practically how it is for me, and I am living now. Yet for some people names are the most important things of
all. So goes life, nobody is ever satisfied any way it goes. All I can say is that if my journal is any help then
great and if it isn't then tough!
There was a swim meet today at Ridgewood in Parma. I did pretty good, or I should say excellent. This is because
my times are dropping rapidly.
200 IM - 2:24
100 Free - 55.2
Nacht ------------------
December 23, 1977
What is the purpose of life? That is a very simple question with a very hard answer. Perhaps someone near the end
of time will realise the final outcome of all man's work. All we can do is speculate. I can tell you one thing
though, everything that motivates us falls back on some type of pleasure. The most pleasureable of all pleasures
is, of course, love. This is the very basis of many peoples existence. On the other end of the spectrum is hate
and war. It is pleasurable to live and to be alive. All decisions that are made are linked back to pleasure. Money,
Love, Sex or whatever are all linked back to pleasure. God is the figure that gives security or the pleasure of
being secure. All matter flows to find the equilibrium. So does our lives pleasure. God is also the figure that
gives us challange and in the beginning disrupted the origional equillibrium. God is the entire universe and in
the beginning warred with himself for the pleasure of change. This disrupted the equillibrium and created a mass
flowing to find it's originallity. Time and space are divided once again, yet God is still one, yet he is all time,
all matter and he is all nothingness. The existance between these three is energy and that is how I believe it
to be today. My belief is not faith, therefore it may not be true. (If anyone reads this they will conclude that
I don't know this for certain. This is true, I did have a hunch, but when I went to write it down everything was
changing. Nothing applied to the way I thought about it before.) But the one thing that I do know to be true no
matter how it works is that life is based on faith. It can be tested but faith is very hard to come by. You aquire
it as a child and it builds from then on. Counter acting faith is caused by people who don't believe and there
are many on this earth. The secret is to have a greater faith than anyone. Anyone in the universe.
December 26, 1977 11:57pm
I know the time because yesterday was Christmas. (One of my presents was a new clock radio - the old one broke
a while back.) This is the Christmas that I'll remember as the one that we sat in the basement and watched TV.
The TV was attached to our Tele-games system. It was a very different Christmas for me, it seemed less complicated
than I was used to. It came and went very fast - to fast. That's it for now, I'm saving paper for tomorrow or Wednesday.
December 29, 1977 Actually 1:37am 12/30/77
This is probebly the last entry in this notebook. So I'd first of all like to say that both dances were O.K., but
the second was more fun. (Catch my drift.)
Tonight we had a family get together at my aunt Peggy's. She isn't a sister of either of my parents. She is the
sister of my grandfather. Anyway, it was pretty much fun, considering that family reunions aren't a blast.
Finally I'd like to say that if you've enjoyed reading this little journal, I have written many other things. As
you should know, this is the second part of a two part journal. The first is blue and in a box marked Mike's stuff.
You will find many scraps of paper that would be interesting to look at. In the back of any of my school notebooks
I should have at least some writing. I recommend the Pre-Calc notebook. In English there is at least the beginning
of some stories. I will most probebly put a copy of "My House" in this box. We have a theology journal
at school which may be the rest of my junior year. I could write and write but space is short.
Remember:
- The object of the game of life is pleasure.
- The highest pleasure is love.
- Faith is life and life is faith.
- Life and dreams are both reality.
- Let life treat you fine and fine is your life.
Good Luck!
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