Reflections on Singleness

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As Ross Clark's letter in the October 1987 Shaker demonstrates, singleness is a 'live issue' in today's church, but one that is given little attention. Increasingly, it is also being seen as a 'live option'.

Inspirational Tapes' newsletter reports that a number of young men in the Every Home Fiji Crusade have renounced marriage and all relationships with girls until every home in Fiji has Christian literature in it. Other individual Christians are discovering that, while most are 'called to marriage' (in Joyce Huggett's phrase), they are called to temporary or permanent singleness.

But "to have zeal without knowledge is not good" (Prov.19:2). What should Christians know about singleness?

The Biblical Context

Marriage was instituted by God from the beginning (Gen 2:21-24). Also, although Jesus silenced the Saducees by declaring, 'At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven' (Matt 22:3), the Book of Revelation shows (between Christ and the church) as the state of Paradise.

This is not to say, though, that singleness is inherently wrong or out of the will of God. If we omit those who had a special role in God's plan as founders of families, as well as individuals (David, Aaron and the patriarchs), men of God in the Bible are quite equally divided between the married and unmarried.

Moses was married (Ex 2:21); Joshua, as far as we know, was not. Samuel was (1 Sam 8:1), but Elijah and Elisha weren't. Among the major writing prophets, Isaiah (Isa 7:3; 8:3) and Ezekiel (Eze 24:18) were, Jeremiah (because of the judgement about to fall on Jerusalem) was told not to be (Jer 18:2).

Most of the minor prophets are silent on the subject, but Hosea's wife has an important role in his book. Daniel appears to have been unmarried, as was John the Baptist.

Peter was married (Matt 8:14), as were the other apostles and the Lord's brothers, but Paul and (apparently) Barnabas were not (1 Co 9:5-6).

Jesus, of course, was unmarried. But although so many practiced celibacy, only Jesus and Paul taught on it, and that briefly.

The Biblical Teaching

Jesus' teaching on singleness in Matthew 19 appears almost as a side issue, following his disputation with the Pharisees on divorce (in which he pointed them to Genesis). His disciples, like many fleshly men since, found the teaching of no divorce except for marital unfaithfulness hard to swallow, and exclaimed that it would be better not to marry at all.

Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it" (Matt 19:11-12).

Perhaps at last we will see the application of all of this teaching. Catholics since Jerome (who went against Scripture and reason in his violent opposition to marriage) have tended to ignore Jesus' first statement, that 'not everyone can accept this word', and impose celibacy on all who are called to a religious life.

But Protestants since Luther, in over-reacting to this, have ignored his last statement, that 'The one who can accept this should accept it', and have virtually required ministers and expected lay people to marry. Certainly, a married minister is better placed for marriage and family counselling in the congregation, and has a 'suitable helper' (Gen 2:18). But Paul, in his teaching on marriage and non-marriage, points out the alternative ministry advantages of singleness.

'I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world - how he can please his wife- and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband.

'I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord' (1 Co 7:32-32).

These are verses rarely preached on. Evangelicals are not comfortable with anything that appears to denigrate marriage. And quite rightly - marriage is good, instituted by God before the Fall, and powerfully reflects the eternal relationship between Christ and the Church. Paul elsewhere encourages it (1 Tim 5:14).

But he himself was happily unmarried, and tells the unmarried that 'it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion' (1 Cor.7:8-9).

He who marries does right, but he who does not marry does even better (1 Co 7:38).

Paul's attitude is best summed up in 1 Corinthians 7:7 - 'I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.'

Paul has been accused, wrongly, of disliking women, partly because of this attitude to marriage. But essentially he was expressing the same truth as Jesus.

He calls celibacy (and possibly marriage also) a gift of grace - a charisma. It is not for everyone, though he would like it to be (he makes a similar remark concerning tongues and prophecy in 1 Corinthians 14:5). But it is for some, for 'those who can accept it'.

Oliver Barclay's comment is apposite: 'Eve's temptation was not that the tree was good for food, beautiful and wisdom-giving. Its beauty was God-given in a perfect world and was to be admired. The devil persuaded her to make these genuinely and rightly attractive features more important than God's will and explicit command' (Developing a Christian Mind, p.178).

This applies to both marriage and singleness - both are good, but only one is God's will for you. [Author's note: I no longer believe this. See 'Responsible Christianity: An Outline'.]

The Social Difficulties

The Greek of Matthew 19:12, and the NIV margin, refer to the third class of people mentioned by Jesus as those who 'have made themselves eunuchs' because of the kingdom of heaven. And a eunuch is not regarded as a whole person, even if Isaiah 56:3-5 does promise them a posterity 'better than sons and daughters'.

To society, and sometimes to the church, the single person is abnormal, even threatening. The Christian Broadcasting Association's newsletter for September-October 1986 quotes Rev Ngaire Brader:

'Sometimes singleness is treated like some kind of social disease [sic] with marriage as the only cure . . . Your identity as a person and your sexual identity are also brought into question if you're a single person.

'If you reach the age of 30 or 40 and you're not married and you choose to live with someone of the same sex then people ask a lot of questions about your relationship and your sexuality. Often that's very hard to handle.'

People who remain single can be made to feel that they are failures, that they are not attractive enough. Invitations arriving for 'X and partner' emphasize the image of a lone person as a social misfit. Even groups like the one founded in Auckland for inter-church social activities for singles and solos tend to having pairing up as an underlying expectation.

The Personal Struggles

In the Day One programme on singleness screened on 30 August 1987, the consensus among the christian singles interviewed was that loneliness was the primary difficulty they faced. It was not good for the man to be alone at the beginning, and it is still not easy, especially in spring and summer when parks and beaches fill with couples and the single person feels out of place. But the interviewees also agreed that with Jesus beside them (who after all had been through it all himself), loneliness fell short of being crippling.

The same could be said for temptation. This can be a battle; but the battle is the Lord's. John White's remarks are also worth bearing in mind: 'Just as the fasting person finds he no longer wishes for food while the starving person is tortured by mental visions of it, so some are able to experience the peace of sexual abstinence when they need to. Others are tormented. Everything depends on their mindset or attitude. The slightest degree of ambivalence or double-mindedness spells ruin' (Eros Defiled, pp 32-3).

Tom Marshall's comments on entering into God's will by actively embracing it, not passively accepting it (Shaker 55, p 7) are also relevant here.

Singleness is difficult. So is marriage.

For those who are content in it, the single life can be deeply satisfying and a great aid to ministry. This was Paul's experience. It appears possible from 1 Corinthians 9:5-6 that being unmarried enabled him to devote what would otherwise have been 'family time' to his tentmaking trade, relieving the church of the need to support him.

With money for ministry always in short supply, it is an idea worth bearing in mind for those who, in Jesus' phrase, 'can accept this word'.