inner strength's December Ruminations
December 1999 December 2000
Addendum 12/21/99:
copyright 1999 by inner_strength.geo
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This month has been the worst in my life so far. I usually get depressed during the holiday season; however, this year it is less depression and more desperation. I have no job, no friends, and family--ha! I never thought I would end up like this. Never! So, I seriously am contemplating what I have thought about as long as I can remember. Ending it all. I would like to see the new millenium but then, if nothing changes between now and then, I will kill myself and be done with all this pain. I don't belong anywhere. Never have--and I now have given up any hope of ever finding that place where I feel welcome. Have a great 21st century all! I don't plan on being in it.
For the past week, things have been looking up. I still grieve over the lost lover relationship and will for some time now. The friend I thought I lost instant messaged me the other night. We talked and worked out our problems/differences. I still do not believe the trust is there that once was; however, I am a bit hopeful it will be regained.
I have been offered a great opportunity to advance my career--a career I thought was slipping rapidly through my hands. I will now be able to pay all my bills on time. I realized the root of my deep depression over the past few months stems from lack of money. Money may be the root of all evil--it is something those of us in a capitalistic society can not survive without. It is as necessary as the air we breathe. Such a shame, actually. I made $1000 in the stock market this month also. I cashed that in to pay my bills since I will be unemployed until the middle of January.
Even though the sun does not shine for me yet, the deep, dark hole shows some glimmer of light. I even almost feel like celebrating the holidays. I think I will go make some fudge like I used to do years ago in happier, simpler times!
December 2000
I am too damned depressed and homesick to write this month.
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