Humorous Horoscopes
Humorous Horoscopes
 Aries:
A stranger will make a big impression on you this week. You will only have a few minor crushed bones when the rescue workers pry that retired Sumo wrestler off of you. |
 Taurus:
If you are planning to travel this week, be sure to pack a gas mask. The beautiful scenery surrounding the local landfill can be quite breathtaking at this time of year. |
 Gemini:
That rash you've been worrying about should clear up by the end of this week. That doctor's remedy will do just the trick. Just remember that the pharmacy does not carry virgin's blood or newt testicles. |
 Cancer:
It has been said that some people bathe more than once a week. That information just may help you get lucky but remember to take a bath even if you're date is not on Saturday night. |
 Leo:
The stars advise that you think about paying a few debts this week. If you're not careful you could end up heavily in debt to a big guy named Bubba who sells newt testicles. |
 Virgo:
Life will appear to be getting easier for you this week. It may be because you left the phone off the hook and your mother hasn't been able to get in touch with you. |
 Libra:
There will be an important change in your life this week. You will decide to have the two piece dinner instead of the liver dinner at KFC. |
 Scorpio:
A good book will play an important part in changing your life this week. Unfortunately, a subscription to Hustler is too expensive for you right now. |
 Sagittarius:
Financially, you may begin to feel a bit of a strain. Didn't your friends warn you not to spend all of your money on table dances at the Platinum Club. |
 Capricorn:
Don't forget to give to a charity this week. Remember, that the Platinum Club is not a home for needy young ladies. |
 Aquarius:
You will find yourself pondering important issues this week. Eventually, you will figure out how they got that big ship into the bottle. |
 Pisces:
A new experience will be coming your way this week. You will finally get to try the new grilled steak taco at Taco Bell. |
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