Tommy's Tips

Slightly delayed, but better late than never. Tommy's Tips:

AS WE COME

As we come to a close in this season of seasons we are all charged with the duty of remembering back to times in our most fantastic past. Our past has been punctuated by many glorious events, like the release of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, as well as the equally good sequel of Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey; these two movies taught us many a thing for preparation for either finals or mad Monday.

The first mad Monday that the club celebrated was on the 24th of April 1734, it was a cold winter’s morn but one of the founders of our prestigious club sought out a way that everyone could benefit from the excellence of a drunken Monday. Rick La German was his name and his grand message of “Gin is good….. Yes yes I do enjoy a good gin” was one of the cornerstones of making that heavy headache that is spinning you around either turn into whirlpool or a gentle dull thud that let you know that you were still alive.

The crazy polish man, as Rick liked to be known, was born into a wealthy family of truck drivers who were renowned for there ability to understand the great pleasure of persistence and a never say die attitude. If he was with us at the moment I’m sure that he would have an encouraging word for us all, like, toadstools are not carrots or once you’ve seen a llama you should see another one.

Friday should be remembered as the day that comes before Saturday as if you walk around believing that Friday is followed by laoday, and then Saturday you will find yourself getting into the mistake that you have an eight day week and that can really do your head in. Friday was first invented around the turn of the 21st century to compensate the advent of the telephone and the Reverse cycle air con; it was seen as a great invention that would lead to trees growing more leaves and books being written in Spanish to help compensate burns from toasted sandwich makers.

I was used to be a Friday for the first twenty years of my life until a tragic surfing accident left me without the id in Friday, I was never the same. People once said that toast should be made boiled in cold water, those people died of a soggy toast injury that is common for all young elves when they are growing up near the water pipe. As one great elf once said “I wish I had both backwards and forwards knees it would make for an easier way to run backwards.”



For the seventeenth straight season we see the 1st XI of the St. Bede's Hockey Club start the season off with a record of two wins, two draws and two losses. This has become a regular event for the followers of the slothowian way as they once again try to make things a little too hard for themselves. In a time of questioning morality of the world it is important that we hark back to events that have seen 2-2-2 become the truly great force that it is.
St. Bede himself was born on the 22nd of February 222, in a small enclave on the boarder of Macedonia and Mexico. He was the youngest of a one child family where his father was a privileged land owner, and his mother was a butcher who had a special skill when it came to purveying bacon. In 252 when Bede- as he was known then- was still a small boy of the age of 12 walked into his first comic book store to purchase his first X- men comic came across someone with a leg. In the 252 there were only 3 known people to have legs, while the rest of the population had jofrs, which were a form of bee that they would strap to their underbelly, so that they may be able to move. He was so impressed with these legs that he asked the man to come back to his house for a coffee and a scone. Upon returning home Bede told Man of his wish to one day be the founding father of a brethren of fungi which could heal tears. Clearly confused Man informed Bede of the struggles that he had been through to buy a pair of graspes- now known as trousers- and of the Herculean events that happened in the year of his birth.
The year 222 first came on a Sunday in the middle of March where a chill breeze was blowing through meadows of Arabia. In the year 222 Alexander Severus succeeds Elagabalus. However, as he is only 13 years-old, his Aunt, Julia Maesa, governs the empire with the help of Domitius Ulpianus and a council composed of senators. Also in the year 222 Pope Urban I succeed Pope Callixtus I as the seventeenth pope. Upon hearing of these gravity defining events, Bede thought to enroll himself in yoga classes to help cleanse his body of toxins from years of undernourishment due to eating film from cameras. As he rose in the ranks to the top of his yoga classes he found himself wishing to became more like the ninja turtle Leonardo who like Bede had a thirst for knowledge and pizza. Both Leo and Bede hated anchovies and olives, and refused to bath in water preferring milk to soothe their aching bodies as they grew older and less reliant on materialistic gains and more focused on enlightenment of the soul.
222 has many different ways it can be interpreted but the St. Bede's hockey club has prided itself on the belief that glass doors when you are drunk can be serious problems. 222 (two hundred [and] twenty-two) is the natural number following 221 and preceding 223. There is no solution to the equation x - ö(x) = 222, making 222 a noncototient. Nor is there, in base 10, an integer that added to the sum of its own digits yields 222, making 222 a self number.
I know in years to come people will look back to St. Bede's dying words as his ship sank of the coast of Canberra, and remember with the same feeling of love and passion that we have now. With his passing breath he said 'I know that kirks lemonade is the cheaper variety of solo, but boy do I love hotdogs.' As players of this fine club we keep this belief with us as we advance our way into the future and out onto the patio to have a few tins.



Well here we go, the second instalment of Tommy's Tips. Tom has turned historian and will deliver his thoroughly researched and 100% factual history of the St.Bede's Hockey Club. Umm, take it away Tom...


Established in 1873, lost in 1901 but then found again on the Isle of Man in 1982 the St Bede’s hockey club (SBH) is a place of great tradition, where every move is made with purpose and every comment has a significant meaning.
The colours chosen to represent SBH were a much debated affair, with the two opposing sides disagreeing for many a year of what each should be and what it represents. The first side of the argument was for red, pink, and orange, which were the colours that St. Bede himself wore on the steps of the coliseum just before he was fed to the ligers of Detroit (the most ferocious of ligers known to man). While the second side of the argument wanted blue, yellow, and cd shinny to be the colours that represented the players onto the field of battle. While the first side wanted St. Bede’s colours, the second side only choose there’s because the refused to play in either pink or orange.
Many years went by and still both sides wanted their choice, but it wasn’t until 2 months later when Jason 19 had the idea to merge the colours of red, blue and yellow that the argument finally settled. Red was to represent the colour of blood that each player would spill for there teammates. Blue was used to remind the players of the sky that is always above, while Yellow was used to represent the yellow sunflower that flowered under the sun.
The first few years were like the toast gone cold, not hot but still alright. From the tight playing group grew several stars of the stick and ball game, but not until the winter of 1994 did the club win its first premiership, a table tennis competition held at Mentone, it may not have been much but it was a hard fought win.
As they enter their 25th year of history, the players still pull on the same coloured uniform and still with the same amount of pride as did the original members of the club. Each player striving to get the Loo-dicrus award, and with the never ending amount of dire situations that players find themselves getting into due to alcohol, the competition is surely going to be tough for years to come.
The 4th of April will always be remembered by all players as the day when they lost one of their own, the Golden Apple, which until its untimely demise was the clubs fortune teller and mascot, if only we knew that apples were allergic to lead based paint when we applied it with the golden variety. Not a day passed when its loss wasn’t felt in our hearts and minds, thankfully though we found a three toed sloth that could read and now that sloth represents our club on our logo.
We shall all though remember the last words of the apple “Anus Horribilious Douw Von Dustos Deepious Heatous Reactumartous! Crackieous Burnok Partory” (For God Sake Don’t Let Deep Heat Fall In Your Bum Crack. It Hurts Hell!). As our club motto these wise words have saved us all a great amount of pain, we thank you Golden Apple may your days be golden and applely.


cheers tommyb

   
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